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| Topic: The silent Treatment | |
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It is very common.. and I have learned that most people with the silent treatment going..have serious sad issues and just don't know how to deal with it better. I have done this..however, I view it as my cooling off period. I speak when ready to or else I will regret what comes out of my mouth. 
Cooling off is different than what the OP is talking about, I think. The only time I feel it's appropriate is if you've tried talking out the issues and the other person just doesn't get it, won't work on it, or just doesn't care. At that point, sometimes all you can do is just stop talking to them. You are correct. I actually said in my original post that I don't mean a cool down period. I am curious as to what you think a cooling down period is. A day, 2 days, 3 days? I know with me; depending how mad I get; I may need up to a week to cool down or simple as a couple of hours. If someone actually ignored me for a week to "cool down" that would be a bit much. Have to agree with singme. A week is not cooling off, thats basically the silent treatment and stewing. A couple of hours to maybe a day, two tops, and that would be stretching it. As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single. 
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I'd wager that in your case, you wanted to work out the issues, and the other party was being childish. I just hold that similar situations go down with others where the ignorer was simply processing something difficult and setting boundaries in the relationship, and the ignoree was being selfish. I don't see how you can say its not a matter of feeling entitled to invade other's space. The very process of 'working out the issue' involves having conversation that the other person doesn't want to have. That is exactly invading the other persons space. I've never had to ignore someone to work out problems. So I just can't see it from that side, as I've been the one who has been ignored. And I don't see my wanting to work it out by talking as invading their space. If someone actually thought that, we'd probably not be a good match for dating or friendship, because if they don't want to have the important conversations, things aren't going to work out in the end. Yes. |
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It is very common.. and I have learned that most people with the silent treatment going..have serious sad issues and just don't know how to deal with it better. I have done this..however, I view it as my cooling off period. I speak when ready to or else I will regret what comes out of my mouth.
Cooling off is different than what the OP is talking about, I think. The only time I feel it's appropriate is if you've tried talking out the issues and the other person just doesn't get it, won't work on it, or just doesn't care. At that point, sometimes all you can do is just stop talking to them. You are correct. I actually said in my original post that I don't mean a cool down period. I am curious as to what you think a cooling down period is. A day, 2 days, 3 days? I know with me; depending how mad I get; I may need up to a week to cool down or simple as a couple of hours. If someone actually ignored me for a week to "cool down" that would be a bit much. Have to agree with singme. A week is not cooling off, thats basically the silent treatment and stewing. A couple of hours to maybe a day, two tops, and that would be stretching it. As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
Navy, from what you've said in this thread I don't think you are a bad person at all. I feel that you've made it clear in many of your posts that you are not here to conform to other people's expectations of how you should relate to them, and I respect you for that. |
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It is very common.. and I have learned that most people with the silent treatment going..have serious sad issues and just don't know how to deal with it better. I have done this..however, I view it as my cooling off period. I speak when ready to or else I will regret what comes out of my mouth.
Cooling off is different than what the OP is talking about, I think. The only time I feel it's appropriate is if you've tried talking out the issues and the other person just doesn't get it, won't work on it, or just doesn't care. At that point, sometimes all you can do is just stop talking to them. You are correct. I actually said in my original post that I don't mean a cool down period. I am curious as to what you think a cooling down period is. A day, 2 days, 3 days? I know with me; depending how mad I get; I may need up to a week to cool down or simple as a couple of hours. If someone actually ignored me for a week to "cool down" that would be a bit much. Have to agree with singme. A week is not cooling off, thats basically the silent treatment and stewing. A couple of hours to maybe a day, two tops, and that would be stretching it. As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
Navy, from what you've said in this thread I don't think you are a bad person at all. I feel that you've made it clear in many of your posts that you are not here to conform to other people's expectations of how you should relate to them, and I respect you for that. Thanks, that was unexpected.  I was waiting to be stoned.
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My ex would want to talk, ask me questions and when I tried to answer yell at me. So I would refuse to say anything and then he went ballistic. There are different reasons for going silent.
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I think this depends. I had one partner give me the silent treatment for two weeks. It didn't frustrate either of us - it disappointed me, and gave me insight into her mind, while it helped her process some things for herself. I find people who are deeply offended by the silent treatment feel they are entitled invade other peoples space. I feel that this is up to the partners involved to decide on. If you require a partner with a certain level of availability, great! Stand firm on that requirement! But don't act like there is only one kind of 'healthy relationship', and other people who use periods of non-communication are just 'wrong'. I have a lot of respect for some of the women I've known who choose silence for themselves. While you may be ok with being ignored, most people aren't ok with it. It has nothing to do with feeling entitled to invade other people's space. It has to do with not wanting to deal with childish behavior and wanting to work out the issues instead. If someone were to tell me they were mad or upset about something and needed a couple days to cool off, I'd be ok with that. However, that has not be the case. Anytime I've been ignored, I've been left wondering what's really going on. I lose respect for people who deal with things in that way. I can pretty much agree with this in most cases. It is a childish cop out and a real friend would not pull it I interpret it to mean that the person doing the silent treatment does not want the relationship (so if they DO want the relationship, they are playing games...childish) just my thought |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. |
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My ex would want to talk, ask me questions and when I tried to answer yell at me. So I would refuse to say anything and then he went ballistic. There are different reasons for going silent.
Thanks, that was unexpected. I was waiting to be stoned.
Your comment earlier in the thread, combined with the few other things I know about your worldview, had a lot to do with how I re-examined this topic in the last few days and with the angle I'm taking in this dialog. It's exactly because I don't assume there is anything wrong with your approach, or the approaches of some of my exes, that I'm making this case. As long as we don't deceive or proactively harm others, I feel we should be free to do things our own way. Often when people judge us for our actions, they are really trying to use an appeal to a higher value in order to manipulate us into conforming to their personal desires. At the same time, I respect the 'quality of communication' that Singme and Sweetest and Equus prefer to have in their relationships. |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. |
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my ex has down this to me than she ended up leavin me both times we we were together i personally hate it but some think its easier to do than to talk apperantly.
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My ex would want to talk, ask me questions and when I tried to answer yell at me. So I would refuse to say anything and then he went ballistic. There are different reasons for going silent.
Thanks, that was unexpected. I was waiting to be stoned.
Your comment earlier in the thread, combined with the few other things I know about your worldview, had a lot to do with how I re-examined this topic in the last few days and with the angle I'm taking in this dialog. It's exactly because I don't assume there is anything wrong with your approach, or the approaches of some of my exes, that I'm making this case. As long as we don't deceive or proactively harm others, I feel we should be free to do things our own way. Often when people judge us for our actions, they are really trying to use an appeal to a higher value in order to manipulate us into conforming to their personal desires. At the same time, I respect the 'quality of communication' that Singme and Sweetest and Equus prefer to have in their relationships. Well, the thing I have learned in life is there is no rule book to live by. We all have to figure things out for ourselves and we deal with things the best way we can. Honestly; I find it easier to forgive a friend or family than a lover. I know that isn't fair to do that but as I have said in many previous posts; friends and family have always been there to pick me up when I am down. My lovers, on the other hand have let me down. I guess I should explain its a two way street that even when I haven't spoken for a week; neither has the guy I had a fight with. So, we are both to blame if the silence drags on; however if the person calls, say for example within a day; I certainly wouldn't hang up or not answer the phone. Yeah, I can't get the manipulation tactics personally or the game playing like yes, I will call you tomorrow. Do guys really think I am going to sit by the phone hoping they will call? I don't play that game with them. |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. |
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i was living wit her and trying to talk to her.
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all. 
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all.
You know there never really is any reason to give the silent treatment. I just do it so I don't say something real nasty to the person that I can't take back. |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all.
You know there never really is any reason to give the silent treatment. I just do it so I don't say something real nasty to the person that I can't take back. here is what i say u woman are hard to figure out but than that works both ways lol |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all.
You know there never really is any reason to give the silent treatment. I just do it so I don't say something real nasty to the person that I can't take back. here is what i say u woman are hard to figure out but than that works both ways lol Oh man; you men are harder to figure out than a Rubic's cube. LOL |
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all.
You know there never really is any reason to give the silent treatment. I just do it so I don't say something real nasty to the person that I can't take back. here is what i say u woman are hard to figure out but than that works both ways lol Oh man; you men are harder to figure out than a Rubic's cube. LOL actually im very easy to figure out but just dont let u woman know that i am lol 
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Edited by
navygirl
on
Sun 12/11/11 09:29 PM
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As I said; its up to each individual how long it takes to cool off. When someone really hurts me; yeah it can sometimes take a week for me to cool off. Although I do have to admit that living such a busy life; sometimes I have so much on my plate that I forget to tell the person that I have cooled off and yeah I am know that makes me a bad person which again explains why I am and will always stay single.
I don't think you're a bad person. We just have very different ways of handling things that bother us.
Thanks. I guess I handle things poorly then. The irony is that by the time I think to contact the person; I sometimes forget why I even got upset in the first place. I've been on the other side of it. And if I knew someone had gotten over whatever it was, but didn't think to contact me, it honestly would make it worse. I have been on the opposite side of it too and when the person told me they forgot; I just laughed at how silly the whole situation was. If it's that easy to forget, maybe think about that next time you give someone the silent treatment. Maybe it's not needed after all.
You know there never really is any reason to give the silent treatment. I just do it so I don't say something real nasty to the person that I can't take back. here is what i say u woman are hard to figure out but than that works both ways lol Oh man; you men are harder to figure out than a Rubic's cube. LOL actually im very easy to figure out but just dont let u woman know that i am lol
I guess the biggest problem I encounter is guys don't mean what they say. They say they want more independence; I give it to them and they say I don't care. They say they want an indepedent woman that can do things for herself and when we do; you get upset because you don't feel needed. You say you don't mind if we have male friends but then get jealous when they talk to us. You say you want a relationship; then you shut down or pull away. You say you don't mind going to a certain event with us; then complain to your buddies how you hated doing it. These things confuse me. 
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