It is very common.. and I have learned that most people with the silent treatment going..have serious sad issues and just don't know how to deal with it better. I have done this..however, I view it as my cooling off period. I speak when ready to or else I will regret what comes out of my mouth.

Cooling off is different than what the OP is talking about, I think.

The only time I feel it's appropriate is if you've tried talking out the issues and the other person just doesn't get it, won't work on it, or just doesn't care. At that point, sometimes all you can do is just stop talking to them.

You are correct. I actually said in my original post that I don't mean a cool down period.

If a guy I'm dating, or even someone I'm friends with ignores me for a while, rather than telling me what's wrong so we can fix it, it's not going to last long. Being ignored is one of the worst things for me, so I don't do it to others.

I am curious as to what you think a cooling down period is. A day, 2 days, 3 days? I know with me; depending how mad I get; I may need up to a week to cool down or simple as a couple of hours.

If someone actually ignored me for a week to "cool down" that would be a bit much.

I have an ex who is the king of HISSY FIT followed by silent treatment. The you can email him and he will read all them. You can call him and leave messages and he will listen but not delete until his phone is full. And then when I broke off an engagement to him and called him immature, he called me back to get back together with me so he could break it off with me which did not work because I never took him back. He called and I was upset and did not want to discuss with a non-boyfriend the issue and said "you are not my boyfriend, will never be my boyfriend again, it is is a moot point" Hissy fit hang up day later email breaking up with me. "UH? OKAY repeat to me the last words I said to you?"

However, I have deserve it at times and said "Please tell me to go screw myself and that you'll talk to me later?" to others.

Well you made a bad choice for a partner and I would cut my losses if I were you. My first thoughts are you may have misjudged the status of your relationship, for any adult to do "the silent treatment" is verry telling especialy if you are confused by it and didnt do anything to deserve it.

I would bug out now and cut your losses, so what its the holiday seasone be content to be alone this year rather than nurture some emotionaly unstable person.


What would she do when things realy get tuff? say your dieing of cancer or something ten years from now will she dump you the way Newt Gingrich dumped his first two wives?

Have to agree with singme. A week is not cooling off, thats basically the silent treatment and stewing. A couple of hours to maybe a day, two tops, and that would be stretching it.

Good questions.



Good point.



I think this depends. I had one partner give me the silent treatment for two weeks. It didn't frustrate either of us - it disappointed me, and gave me insight into her mind, while it helped her process some things for herself.

I find people who are deeply offended by the silent treatment feel they are entitled invade other peoples space. I feel that this is up to the partners involved to decide on. If you require a partner with a certain level of availability, great! Stand firm on that requirement!

But don't act like there is only one kind of 'healthy relationship', and other people who use periods of non-communication are just 'wrong'.

I have a lot of respect for some of the women I've known who choose silence for themselves.



Yes. There area a lot of ways that different people try to exercise control in a relationship. I see nothing intrinsically wrong with women choosing silence and non-interaction as a means of establishing boundaries and avoiding the controlling tactics of another.




Everybody is different.

True, but unless you're telling someone upfront that you take a week to cool off after a fight, then it's basically mental abuse.

I guarantee I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

You know lots of men give the silent treatment when they don't call. And then when they do, its always at an awkward time and you've most likely forgotten about them. Women are just more intelligent about it. I think some women don't know they are doing it too.

I fully support you in 'not putting up with it'. And I support people who want the freedom of spontaneously choosing 'non-communication' for as long as they want.

I agree that in many particular situations, the silent treatment plays out as a mild form of emotional abuse, in that one person is knowingly causing another person emotional pain, exploiting that pain, and sometimes is using it to manipulate the other.

However, imo, the behavior of suddenly choosing silence is most definitely not intrinsically 'mental abuse'.

There are many behaviors which are harmless or healthy in one relationship and abusive in another relationship, depending on the people involved.

I'm not sure if this is in response to my post specifying women. You are right, men use the silent treatment. I was just focusing on my experience and my relationships.

After a fight, I would view it as such.

Silence, in general, no problem. I can go days being quiet with not much to say.

But since the problem with fights is usually a lack of good communication, intentionally continuing not to communicate just comes across as malicious.

I'm not really quoting anyone here. Just being specific to my experience.

Aren't we all doing that?

While you may be ok with being ignored, most people aren't ok with it.

It has nothing to do with feeling entitled to invade other people's space. It has to do with not wanting to deal with childish behavior and wanting to work out the issues instead.

If someone were to tell me they were mad or upset about something and needed a couple days to cool off, I'd be ok with that. However, that has not be the case. Anytime I've been ignored, I've been left wondering what's really going on. I lose respect for people who deal with things in that way.

Yes, I agree, that's exactly my point. Just because an opinion is common doesn't make it morally righteous.



I'd wager that in your case, you wanted to work out the issues, and the other party was being childish. I just hold that similar situations go down with others where the ignorer was simply processing something difficult and setting boundaries in the relationship, and the ignoree was being selfish.

I don't see how you can say its not a matter of feeling entitled to invade other's space. The very process of 'working out the issue' involves having conversation that the other person doesn't want to have. That is exactly invading the other persons space.




Probably the person ignoring you was a childish, selfish jackass. I don't deny that they are out there, nor do I deny the trends. I'm just arguing for the edge cases.

I've never had to ignore someone to work out problems. So I just can't see it from that side, as I've been the one who has been ignored. And I don't see my wanting to work it out by talking as invading their space. If someone actually thought that, we'd probably not be a good match for dating or friendship, because if they don't want to have the important conversations, things aren't going to work out in the end.