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| Topic: Girlfriend with trust issues | |
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Hey there...
Although I'm relatively certain that I know there's likely not much I can do, I was hoping that someone might have some great words of advice for me and my situation. Here it goes... My girlfriend has always told me that she has always had her "walls up" when she is dating, and that she never quite knew why it was different with me and that she was allowing herself to be open with me from the beginning. She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage several years ago and that that was the reason why she put up her walls in most cases, for fear of being hurt. Well, a few weeks ago we had a couple of small arguements and she began to say that she saw similarities in the way that me and her ex argued. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word that I am not in any way the type of guy that would be like her ex, and even she does not believe that I could be that way. However, after the arguements she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. She later said that after she saw those comparisons that she just hasn't been able to shake it and that she has a general dis-trust. Ideally, I would love to be with her because before this we had a wonderful relationship. I guess the million dollar question is if there is anything that can be done to get her to let down those walls and be herself with me again. The only answer I've been able to come up with is "time," but I kind of don't think all the time in the world will help if she's not open to letting me back in. Thanks in advance for your advice. |
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My advice? You aren't going to like it.
Suggest to her that she gets therapy at least once a week and if she's still interested, she should look you up in a year or two to see if you are still single. For her to put this much distance between the two of you over a couple of small tiffs and the emotional manipulation of "you are like my ex husband", those are major red flags to me. If you really care about her, I think therapy and time alone are the best things for her. |
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Run for the hills >She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage You will never be able to atone for her ex's behavior. You will just be the target of that anger. >she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. More proof... She is either doing you a dis-service by being reserved and not thrashing you, or she realizes the need to thrash you and isn't that comfortable .. Yet. Either way, you are to be thrashed, for HIS behavior in HER mind. You're a Third Wheel my friend. Run for the Hills... |
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Disconnect the dots and walk away bro. Unless you are willing to put yourself through the rest of your relationship trying to prove that you ain't him. She ain't gonna let her failed past go and before it is all said and done...you will end up miserable because she will just assume you will do her wrong too.
It is a no win for you man. Hanging on futily to a sinking ship ain't gonna save anything....it will only make it harder. "There's not much I can do"..... Yes there is brother....Do the right thing for yourself. |
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Relationships are always a balancing act.
Because of the episode you related, and the distrust she has endured, the weight has gone to that side on the scale. You counter it by being understanding. She has actually told you exactly what the problem is. Wonderful start, to be able to put words to emotions. You could wait it out. Or you could go proactive and suggest trying to figure out a way, when an argument is looming, to calm everything. Maybe she could offer a different way, from the way it happened in her nightmare. You would want to do that before an..event. |
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I agree with Spider about suggesting therapy. I disagree about the "check back with me in a year" bit.
Truth is, she owes it to herself to seek therapy. Unless she resolves these issues, she will never be able to fully enjoy a seriously intimate relationship. If you truly care about her, you owe it to her to point this out. If she truly cares about you, she owes it to you to seek help so your relationship can work rather than being haunted by the skeletons in her closet. The way I see it, refusal to seek therapy is a deal breaker. You can't make her help herself. And if she doesn't, you're going to be miserable sticking with her. If she does seek therapy, then she is going to not only need your support, but she will need to practice her new "behavior" within the framework of a relationship. Without the latter, the chances of successfully overcoming her issues are substantially less. As with any relationship, you have to first gauge whether or not your partner means enough to you to put in that extra effort. Some may even tell you that if you have to even think about it, then you don't really love her. Don't listen to them. You have to decide for yourself. |
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Therapy can take years. It's either "Come find me when you are cured" or "All the best, I'm outta here". It's a terrible idea to stay in a relationship with someone who has such severe relationship issues.
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Hey there... Although I'm relatively certain that I know there's likely not much I can do, I was hoping that someone might have some great words of advice for me and my situation. Here it goes... My girlfriend has always told me that she has always had her "walls up" when she is dating, and that she never quite knew why it was different with me and that she was allowing herself to be open with me from the beginning. She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage several years ago and that that was the reason why she put up her walls in most cases, for fear of being hurt. Well, a few weeks ago we had a couple of small arguements and she began to say that she saw similarities in the way that me and her ex argued. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word that I am not in any way the type of guy that would be like her ex, and even she does not believe that I could be that way. However, after the arguements she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. She later said that after she saw those comparisons that she just hasn't been able to shake it and that she has a general dis-trust. Ideally, I would love to be with her because before this we had a wonderful relationship. I guess the million dollar question is if there is anything that can be done to get her to let down those walls and be herself with me again. The only answer I've been able to come up with is "time," but I kind of don't think all the time in the world will help if she's not open to letting me back in. Thanks in advance for your advice. You start out saying you are relatively certain there is not much you can do...You say the walls went back up a few weeks ago, and you end by saying you would love to be with her...Without knowing how long you have been together, how many years have passed since she was abused, or how many failed relationship she had prior to meeting you, I would say this...Since you cannot control/change her, help yourself....Ask yourself why she continues to get involved with men when she has walls up, that is careless.......Find out how many failed relationships she had after her divorce and before she met you, this knowledge will help you ....Ask yourself why she has never considered counseling for a problem she admits she has, but is willing to enter into relationships that she is not emotionally or psychologically prepared for..Could she be thinking love, rather than hard work will fix her problems?....You are the only one who can make the right choice for you...Stay or leave....Gather the facts, look at them realistically, make a decision that is best for you.... |
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And Grom, I just want to add this....When she put the walls back up, she put the ball in your court....Stay or leave, either way it will be tough...I feel your confusion and I feel for you...Good luck..
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Hey there... Although I'm relatively certain that I know there's likely not much I can do, I was hoping that someone might have some great words of advice for me and my situation. Here it goes... My girlfriend has always told me that she has always had her "walls up" when she is dating, and that she never quite knew why it was different with me and that she was allowing herself to be open with me from the beginning. She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage several years ago and that that was the reason why she put up her walls in most cases, for fear of being hurt. Well, a few weeks ago we had a couple of small arguements and she began to say that she saw similarities in the way that me and her ex argued. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word that I am not in any way the type of guy that would be like her ex, and even she does not believe that I could be that way. However, after the arguements she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. She later said that after she saw those comparisons that she just hasn't been able to shake it and that she has a general dis-trust. Ideally, I would love to be with her because before this we had a wonderful relationship. I guess the million dollar question is if there is anything that can be done to get her to let down those walls and be herself with me again. The only answer I've been able to come up with is "time," but I kind of don't think all the time in the world will help if she's not open to letting me back in. Thanks in advance for your advice. Fact is abuse is a very hard issue to get over. I know I also put up the walls because of abuse. Perhaps if I had gotten the help earlier in life; things would be different for me but for me its too late. I hope that if she can't talk to you that she can talk to someone else about the abuse and that you two can be back to where you were in your relationship before all this happened.
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wow, i could well iam crying...I do not know how to help other than stand by her..If shes worth it...never defend yourself if you hit a sour spot..just go and hug her be gentil and reenforce your love for her..my prayers are with you..GodBless you both
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You said it, "she has trust issues".
The question is do you both want to try and work through them or not. Ask her. |
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Disconnect the dots and walk away bro. Unless you are willing to put yourself through the rest of your relationship trying to prove that you ain't him. She ain't gonna let her failed past go and before it is all said and done...you will end up miserable because she will just assume you will do her wrong too. It is a no win for you man. Hanging on futily to a sinking ship ain't gonna save anything....it will only make it harder. "There's not much I can do"..... Yes there is brother....Do the right thing for yourself. Ditto. But, don't walk away. Run. |
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You said it, "she has trust issues". The question is do you both want to try and work through them or not. Ask her. You can't work out your trust issues in a new relationship. You have to fix the issues first. Then enter a new relationship. |
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Hey there... Although I'm relatively certain that I know there's likely not much I can do, ****what you can do is decide if you want to keep the relationship. It sounds like you do. If you decide you want the relationship, then tell her that, and have this conversation with her that you are having now with us INCLUDING talking about your feelings - not her actions - but how her actions make you feel. Use "I" messages and avoid "you" - it will look to her like fingerpointing. She had made herself vulnerable to you by telling you the truth, that there is a trust issue - it is a way of her asking for help. No one likes to be "punished" for being truthful. Focus on how you feel and not on blame or negatives when u talk remember the guys up there with the hit & run advice are on here because they know nothing about keeping a woman. don't listen to them IF you want the relationship - if you don;t want the relationship do just as they say*************** I was hoping that someone might have some great words of advice for me and my situation. Here it goes... ******in your heart  you will find all the advice you need - her pain is real - and she's not meaning to cause you any, and she is wanting to trust you. give her a reason to trust you ************************************************
My girlfriend has always told me that she has always had her "walls up" when she is dating, and that she never quite knew why it was different with me and that she was allowing herself to be open with me from the beginning. She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage several years ago and that that was the reason why she put up her walls in most cases, for fear of being hurt. *****to keep some walls up when getting to know a new person is actually pretty healthy. It shows self respect, and good judgement. AND, since she has been hurt before, she is smart to be cautious***** Well, a few weeks ago we had a couple of small arguements and she began to say that she saw similarities in the way that me and her ex argued. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word that I am not in any way the type of guy that would be like her ex, and even she does not believe that I could be that way. However, after the arguements she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. She later said that after she saw those comparisons that she just hasn't been able to shake it and that she has a general dis-trust. *******in the time you spend discussing how her behavior is making you feel, definitely talk about how being compared to another man makes you feel. Ask her if she feels she is really over that past relationship & ready to move on. talk about what that means - does she know what she needs to do to be ready to give you what you need? She doesn't need therapy - she needs YOU & your time to have a non threatening open talk *********************** Ideally, I would love to be with her because before this we had a wonderful relationship. I guess the million dollar question is if there is anything that can be done to get her to let down those walls and be herself with me again. The only answer I've been able to come up with is "time," but I kind of don't think all the time in the world will help if she's not open to letting me back in. *********there u go! U have an excellent foundation to get things back on track - there will be bumps in the road, this one won't be the last - it sounds like this is your first difficult patch in ur relationship. this is a great opportunity to lay the ground work for a functional & non threatening problem resolution style for yourselves as a couple*************************************** Thanks in advance for your advice. ******u r welcome********hey, I can't help it - Ima mom of grown sons ***************8
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I would say it is all up to you. How long have you been with her..and do you believe she could be the one. If so they you both need to seek out some therapy as a couple. The reason I say both of you...is because you will be a big part of how this will go down. You will need to be able to help her and help yourself with the "tools" that will be discussed in therapy to work through this. People naturally carry around "luggage" from their past. It not always easy to overcome especially if this experience has impacted their whole universe of security. I wish you luck.
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Sorry you are having such a rough go with your girlfriend.
My advice is face facts that your girlfriend had bigger problems than even and extreamly healthy relationship from your side of the fence can fix. I am really sorry that you have to pay the misery for someone elses bad behavior because I think we all like to believe if we treat somone well that the past is the past. What so many overlook in abusive relationships most times it is not just one sided. Not saying there is ever justification for abuse some peoples behavior, maturity level, and social skills can really fan the flames. From what you are describeing of your girlfriend's behavior she is not ready for a relationship and has serious communication problems of her own at the very least. You are at the age to be settleing down, getting a home, starting a family, making serious career moves that if you have a chronic running drama with a "wounded emotional vampire makeing it all and uphill battle you are not going to have a chance. Suggesting counseling is really wasted breath on your part. If she didn't get it at the time before she started up with you she is going to continue to blame it on anyone but herself. If you want to take a class in assertiveness training or anger management; or some short term counseling yourself so you can spot these drama queen types or figure out why you are even considering them before you get emotionally enfolved I think you might learn some usefull skills. Good Luck. |
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Thank you all for the kind words and advice.
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Run for the hills >She also was very open with me about an abusive marriage You will never be able to atone for her ex's behavior. You will just be the target of that anger. >she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. More proof... She is either doing you a dis-service by being reserved and not thrashing you, or she realizes the need to thrash you and isn't that comfortable .. Yet. Either way, you are to be thrashed, for HIS behavior in HER mind. You're a Third Wheel my friend. Run for the Hills... |
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Hey there... Although I'm relatively certain that I know there's likely not much I can do, I was hoping that someone might have some great words of advice for me and my situation. Here it goes... Be optimistic. Let's try positively,at least once! Well, a few weeks ago we had a couple of small arguements and she began to say that she saw similarities in the way that me and her ex argued. This of her behavior is abnormal. I see both of you ( her ex & you )are normal. Most probably it is her fault; when both of her companions have argued with her in the same way. She must examine herself if she is interested in a long lasting relationship. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word that I am not in any way the type of guy that would be like her ex, and even she does not believe that I could be that way. Based upon the info you provided,as I already explained above,I don't see any fault even in her ex. However, after the arguements she put her walls up and basically seemed to stop being herself around me. She later said that after she saw those comparisons that she just hasn't been able to shake it and that she has a general dis-trust. Is she quite introvert & much self-centered?? See, if she is much sentimental & touchy type;then may be she is expecting you to try for opening up her again. In that case I think you shall give it a try. But if she is enjoying short term relationship & frequently seeking new partner then your attempt will be in vain. Ideally, I would love to be with her because before this we had a wonderful relationship. I guess the million dollar question is if there is anything that can be done to get her to let down those walls and be herself with me again. The only answer I've been able to come up with is "time," Yes, I also think you both shall give more time to each other for better understanding if at this stage she too is equally interested in you. but I kind of don't think all the time in the world will help if she's not open to letting me back in. hmmm...that's the fight between love & self esteem.Let's see who wins. Actually a successful relationship demands for caring than for worrying,devotion than for demanding. As you are a man,you shall take a comprehensive approach in understanding her,when time comes you shall make her aware of her nature. At this point of time you shall tell her that you need her love(as u said u do)You shall ask her to open up & be with you as she was before.First try to know her expectations after that incident ,then tell her your expectations from her. I guess,whatever the way comes out after this much exercise will be best for you both. Thanks in advance for your advice. You are welcome & thanks for sharing it with us! All the best.
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