Kruppa, I too believe this statement, but this is where I am having trouble. I know Rick would want me to be happy, living life to the fullest, and letting no one hurt me. But my catch 22 is that everything in the past four years that brought me my greatest joy was something we did together. I am not sure I know how to find that again without him. I know I have to re-learn this stuff. I love hockey, yet every time I have gone to watch a game I am always looking for him over by the penality box. Every tv program we watched together brings tears to my eyes. What is the point of comming up with a witty comeback, a gracefull slap-stick stumble or a side splitting joke if he is not here to share it with? And yet, I am also hurting that I have let him down by still being sad. Again I am a disapointment to someone. OP I wish I could help or offer a suggestion, but right now I am in the same boat.

Unfortunatly in this society we live in, grieving = loss and loss = not being worthy. It is almost like being an untouchable in other countries. Shunned and even more alone with nothing but thoughts of your lost loved one. People tell me, get out, socialize, do something. Who has the time or money these days? I sure do not. So what now? Picnic at the park feeding the geese? Great, a romantic picnic without your loved one with you. (LOOSER) How about a comedic movie? Sitting all alone and no one to elbow when the jokes are too lame. (Looser sitting alone in a theatre, where is the long raincoat?) Volunteer at a retirement home,read to the elderly. ( Sure and get attached to someone else that will leave you when they die?) Hell I can't even go to the grocery store without thinking of Rick. His favorite foods or the ornery things we did while shopping. Shoot, I can't even be in the frozen foods section without crying. People think I am nutz. God if only there was a switch to turn this emotional stuff off I would be eternally gratefull.

So untill that switch flipps off of its own accord, I mingle, do my school work and work till I fall asleep in my chair.

My heart aches for you...So much so I am going to throw this out to you as something, in time, you will consider...What you have just described reads like the beautiful love story it is...There are many who are not fortunate enough to have experienced the kind of love, the relationship you had with Rick...You are blessed, you are one of the lucky ones my friend...

I personally tell myself..."Don't cry cause the song is over...Smile cause you got to dance"

It ain't always easy but, it can done.

Imagine if you'd never met Rick at all...

1. Five years ago, I lost my mother and then five more members of my immediat family during those five years. I've found that everytime I hear or even read about death, whether real or in the pages of a book, I take it very personally, as if it's happening to me all over again. Does that happen to anybody else?

2. Is there life after death, and how does one go about obtaining it? I'm not talking about merely existing, but living in every sense of the word.

I do imagine that...I guess I believe that ignorance is bliss...

Never having held in my hands the happiness I experienced with him would allow me to still be happy in my ignorance. Stupid I know. While I cherish and treasure each and every minute we got to spend together, those moments are too close to my heart and hurtfull right now. I pray that folks who tell me time heals all wounds are correct, I just wish time would fly by in an instant.

I do imagine that...I guess I believe that ignorance is bliss...

Never having held in my hands the happiness I experienced with him would allow me to still be happy in my ignorance. Stupid I know. While I cherish and treasure each and every minute we got to spend together, those moments are too close to my heart and hurtfull right now. I pray that folks who tell me time heals all wounds are correct, I just wish time would fly by in an instant.

Give yourself permission to morn in your own time and your own way...Your are the ONLY one who feels like YOU feel, you are unique, the love you and Rick shared is unique...What you are doing right now, to me, is a sign of healing, reaching out...Don't resist the feelings you are experiencing...

There's a book called 'Necessary Losses' by Judith Viorst.

She's done some childrens books but this is not one of them.

Its really about change.

I read it during my divorce, and found so much comfort in it. Its also about dealing with death.

Kruppa, I too believe this statement, but this is where I am having trouble. I know Rick would want me to be happy, living life to the fullest, and letting no one hurt me. But my catch 22 is that everything in the past four years that brought me my greatest joy was something we did together. I am not sure I know how to find that again without him. I know I have to re-learn this stuff. I love hockey, yet every time I have gone to watch a game I am always looking for him over by the penality box. Every tv program we watched together brings tears to my eyes. What is the point of comming up with a witty comeback, a gracefull slap-stick stumble or a side splitting joke if he is not here to share it with? And yet, I am also hurting that I have let him down by still being sad. Again I am a disapointment to someone. OP I wish I could help or offer a suggestion, but right now I am in the same boat.

Unfortunatly in this society we live in, grieving = loss and loss = not being worthy. It is almost like being an untouchable in other countries. Shunned and even more alone with nothing but thoughts of your lost loved one. People tell me, get out, socialize, do something. Who has the time or money these days? I sure do not. So what now? Picnic at the park feeding the geese? Great, a romantic picnic without your loved one with you. (LOOSER) How about a comedic movie? Sitting all alone and no one to elbow when the jokes are too lame. (Looser sitting alone in a theatre, where is the long raincoat?) Volunteer at a retirement home,read to the elderly. ( Sure and get attached to someone else that will leave you when they die?) Hell I can't even go to the grocery store without thinking of Rick. His favorite foods or the ornery things we did while shopping. Shoot, I can't even be in the frozen foods section without crying. People think I am nutz. God if only there was a switch to turn this emotional stuff off I would be eternally gratefull.

So untill that switch flipps off of its own accord, I mingle, do my school work and work till I fall asleep in my chair.

I've been through loss again and again.

My first experience came when I was only 6 or 7 years old: my grandmother died after a long battle with lung cancer. It feels odd thinking back and realizing that understood the concept of death at that age. Even more odd, I didn't mourn for her so much as I mourned for the pain it had caused my father.

My closest uncle died when I was 11 years old. Then one of my neighbors (a close family friend). Then both my grandfathers, another uncle, my remaining grandmother, a close friend of mine, and just over a year ago my mother too. Just two weeks ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. It was sudden, and no one seems to know why he did it.

You learn to deal with it. Each person must find their own way to best handle it. There isn't one surefire way - each person means something different to each person whose life they have touched. It's a very personal process...

The one thing I have learned - and it came as a sudden shock one day - is that forgetting the deceased is the most horrible part.

I was in my freshman year in college, first semester, when I realized I no longer remembered what my paternal grandmother looked like. I couldn't remember the sound of her voice. All I could remember was that she had accidentally broken my Hamburglar glass one day, and she was very apologetic about it. Some 12 years after her death, I suddenly felt the grief of her passing all over again. From that point on, I went out of my way to honor her memory by learning about her Irish roots - history, music, genealogy....I made sure I could never forget her again.

Perhaps that in itself had a special purpose and meaning. It was only a few months later when my maternal grandfather - the one I was named after - passed away. Everyone was worried I would take it quite hard, but perhaps Nana (my father's mother) was looking out for me. Because of her, I learned the big secret to handling my own grief: never forget. Since then, I have always managed death well. I also always make sure I have a way to maintain some link or bond: memories, heritage, heirlooms, shared knowledge and interests, etc. Whatever the connection, it inevitably leads me to some form of self-improvement by spurring me to learn something new. And that allows me to know that the ones I've lost would be happy because even after their passing they are still helping me to learn and grow.

So maybe the experience I've just shared will helped someone else to understand how to handle their own grief.

I'm currently reading a book called, Sweet Temptation and I've gotten to the part where one of the heroines loses her mother to cancer... And this is where I'm tempted to stop reading because not only can I not stop crying, but I'm dreading the happily ever after of her finding life after death.

Which brings me to this:
1. Five years ago, I lost my mother and then five more members of my immediat family during those five years. I've found that everytime I hear or even read about death, whether real or in the pages of a book, I take it very personally, as if it's happening to me all over again. Does that happen to anybody else?

2. Is there life after death, and how does one go about obtaining it? I'm not talking about merely existing, but living in every sense of the word.

I'll leave it at that because I'd hate to start sounding like a whiner, but just out of curiousity, who has loved and lost and is now trying to live again?

The one thing I have learned - and it came as a sudden shock one day - is that forgetting the deceased is the most horrible part.

I was in my freshman year in college, first semester, when I realized I no longer remembered what my paternal grandmother looked like. I couldn't remember the sound of her voice. All I could remember was that she had accidentally broken my Hamburglar glass one day, and she was very apologetic about it. Some 12 years after her death, I suddenly felt the grief of her passing all over again. From that point on, I went out of my way to honor her memory by learning about her Irish roots - history, music, genealogy....I made sure I could never forget her again.

I can definately relate to that. I remember when I forgot what my mother looked like. It felt like such a huge betrayal by me, her own daughter. losing her the first time was bad enough, but having her die in my memories as well seemed like my own fault. Now I have pictures of her everywhere.

I wholeheartedly agree that the process of grief and healing is different for all of us. Thank you so much for sharing.

I'm not a great taker of my own advice, but I've found that curling up into a ball waiting for death, doesn't work.

I lost everyone who was close to me; death now seems more like an abstract concept, a mere inevitability.

So, may I ask? (don't answer if it's too personal)

Why don't you take your own advise? Cause to me, (from what I have read,) you seem fairly smart. (no offence)

It seems like you know the answers.....and curling up ain't it.

I do feel kind of silly and self-indulgent sometimes, like 5 years is long enough for you to stop thinking that it's all been a very horrible dream.

I also tend to feel a tad hypocritical when I tell my friends who go through similar experiences that it will get better, "this too shall pass". I guess it's something to believe in, otherwise we might as well all curl up and die with them.

How long has it been for you, if you don't mind my asking?