I will describe a situation that happened to me almost a year ago. This ultimatly lead to the ending of a 16 year relationship.

First let me explain my state of mind as I believe it was a key player in decisions made on my ex's side of the equation.

Several years ago I had a sever back injury. I moved through it. How ever 4 years ago I reinjured the alread weak area of my back. Because I could not afford to take time off work where heavy lifting and long hours are required (70 - 90 hrs a week). I had to take strong pain killers and relaxants just to be able to operate som what effectivly. Well this put me in a drug induced 'low' where I was anti social, and just plain blah. Also started bit of depression. My ex would constatntly nag at me but would never help me, she would also ***** if I had to take a day off work because I just couldn't move.

Now what happened. This part is going to get very graphic so if you don't like stop reading now. I came home from work early, my ex was in the computer room texting someone, I leaned in for a kiss she pulled back and hid her phone from me while she finished texting. This got me curious. The next day she left her phone in the bathroom so i looked (I know invation of privacy, but what I read I don't care about privacy at that point), she texted to a guy from her work "My **** is throbbing thinking of you". I lost it for 3 days. After I calmed down and talked to her She convinced me nothing aver actually happened physically. So thinking that well its not cheating, maybe we can fix our relationship.

I (yes I not we) worked on the relationship, I seen a therapyst for the depression, found a non-narcotic to relieve the pain and have now pretty much got back to normal. I paid more attention to her, helped out around the house in areas I was lacking. Basically brought me back out of a hole I was in. I even took her on vacation to the Dominican Republic.

All that work came to a crashing halt when I found out about 6 months after the first read email that she was telling peple at work she cheated because I beat her (which is total BS), she swears she never said that but I heard it from someone first and who heard her say it and I trust.

At this point one of the original things kept comeing back and haunting me. and this is where you ideas come inot play.

1. She had been exchanging messages as bad or worse between johnny for 3 - 4 months before I found out. Would you (as I do now) consider this cheating?

I say yes because she is going out of the relationship for direct sexual pleasure, albeit maybe not physical but more then just porn on the internet. and she intesionally kept doing it for so long.

2. Is this worse then just getting drunk and screwing some guy?

I say yes. The one night stand is a mistake. One that should not be done I will give you, but a mistake. I think if this had happened I could have worked through it. But to keep talking with someone for so long the way they were intensionally hidding it from me and his wife. Oh yea I forgot to mention he is married and has three young children.

So once the head ache is gone from all the reading post your comments. Do you agree it should be considered cheating or not?

If it was only texts/email/etc, I wouldn't really considering it cheating as long as you were still getting the real thing at home. I'd probably be a bit concerned though. Now ACTUALLY going and screwing somebody else... different story. For me anyway, generally she'd be out the door in a heartbeat. After 16 years though, I might work through it though if it was a one time drunken thing (not that it's an excuse).

Yes, I consider it cheating.

Why you ask?

Intimacy in a relationship takes many forms. Sexual is the first that comes to many minds. But mental intimacy is what most humans cling to and in my opinion is more important than physical intimacy. So the act of taking away that mental trust and friendship, it is still cheating. Kind of like alination (sp) of affection. That covers both physical and mental affection and intimacy. And isnt that what real relationships are built on, trust?

I was reading where you said you were antisocial for a spell. A breakdown in communications can do it for a relationship. Looks like she was social with someone else other than you. But then two people in a relationship will have their ups and downs. Though if the social interactions break down then the relationship can break down, too. People can just grow apart from each other and turn to others. It can happen. If one person breaks the social contract then the other can follow suit. Usually when someone outside the family comes in between the family the chances are good that someone encouraged it.

Legally speaking (as I understand it), there is no expectation of privacy in marriage. You had every right to look, because if she was physically cheating, she could pass along some very nasty diseases. So don't beat yourself up.

If your ex-wife was sharing an romantic connection with another man, then yes, it was cheating. It doesn't matter if it was just emails or IMs or texts. I think you should put some thought into *why* she was so angry that you would take days off work...just saying...a lot can happen when you aren't home.

Thats what I was saying as for the cheating thing. As fior the above quote it doesn't really matter to me either way. With the exception of selling our house, to me the relationship is over. I have no hurt feeling about it any more. Those ended months ago. I am still angry how ever at the lieing and making me look bad to people I know just to defend her mistakes.

The only reason I brought this up was because at a family fuction last week there was a discussion about this. Part of them on one side part on the other. I just thought it was a good topic to get some ideas out of members here. May also give you some thought as to what you consider cheating. Myself I never did give much thought till it happened. When you mind is all that screwed up its a hard topic to think about!

BTW now that we have split ways I am happpier then ever!