100% FREE ONLINE DATING
sponsored links
Previous
| Topic: "Long Term Effects of Being Cheated On" | |
|---|---|
|
|
|
Been cheated on the past three times in a row so there's this ice box where my heart used to be. I havent been able to trust anyone at all. Haven't gotten over any of them. I cope by telling myself that I'm glad that I don't have to continue to be with someone who has given me a reason to be constantly suspicious.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
1 Yes, been cheated on
2 No, never cheated 3 I do not trust anyone, they have to prove theirselves before I unlock the chains around my heart 4 It's a lot easier as time goes by for me to just walk away from a relationship, I feel "you are what you are" and if that's the way they want to roll, so be it........... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I was cheated on
I never cheated I trust until IM given reason by that person not to |
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
Jess642
on
Fri 05/06/11 04:18 AM
|
|
My children's father found himself distracted twice by the same woman over a 9 year period....the first time...it had been an extremely emotional night for all of us...(she was my closest childhood friend).
They both appeared to be remorseful in the unspoken language of their bodies....so I let it rest. The second time was 9 years later, and they had developed a relationship whilst he worked away from home...she asked him to choose...and he did....unbeknownst to me. Four years later we parted...for reasons unrelated to his attraction to my then friend....which time and distance...(and I learnt after, their affair)...had cooled our friendship and we had become very remote. I found a card from her to him, a xmas card....and I noticed another child's name added to her children...so I rang her to ask after Tamara...not knowing much of anything...well...you could have scraped my jaw off the floor!!!...seems there is a fifth child of his about....only 3 months younger than my youngest son. How did this affect me?....I was gobsmacked....but not angry...I knew on some level, of their attraction, I had known of their one night dalliance 14 years earlier..I explained to her that both her and him had wasted 14 years of their lives...14 years of my life...if they cared that deeply for each other, they had only needed to fess up...and would have been free to pursue a life together. I believe people can't help who they fall in love with...they can help what they choose to do about it...and being honourable and honest is the most respectful way to go about it. I don't have trust issues regarding fidelity...as I don't see humans as essentially monogomous...I don't have any expectations...and not because I am jaded or so damaged, etc etc etc... My way of getting about in an intimate romantic relationship is quite different from many others, the incapacity for sexual monogomy is not a deal breaker for me... But denying one's self their own truth is....so is not being honest and respectful. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
My children's father found himself distracted twice by the same woman over a 9 year period....the first time...it had been an extremely emotional night for all of us...(she was my closest childhood friend). They both appeared to be remorseful in the unspoken language of their bodies....so I let it rest. The second time was 9 years later, and they had developed a relationship whilst he worked away from home...she asked him to choose...and he did....unbeknownst to me. Four years later we parted...for reasons unrelated to his attraction to my then friend....which time and distance...(and I learnt after, their affair)...had cooled our friendship and we had become very remote. I found a card from her to him, a xmas card....and I noticed another child's name added to her children...so I rang her to ask after Tamara...not knowing much of anything...well...you could have scraped my jaw off the floor!!!...seems there is a fifth child of his about....only 3 months younger than my youngest son. How did this affect me?....I was gobsmacked....but not angry...I knew on some level, of their attraction, I had known of their one night dalliance 14 years earlier..I explained to her that both her and him had wasted 14 years of their lives...14 years of my life...if they cared that deeply for each other, they had only needed to fess up...and would have been free to pursue a life together. I believe people can't help who they fall in love with...they can help what they choose to do about it...and being honourable and honest is the most respectful way to go about it. I don't have trust issues regarding fidelity...as I don't see humans as essentially monogomous...I don't have any expectations...and not because I am jaded or so damaged, etc etc etc... My way of getting about in an intimate romantic relationship is quite different from many others, the incapacity for sexual monogomy is not a deal breaker for me... But denying one's self their own truth is....so is not being honest and respectful. I really love your attitude here because you are right - people are idiots in these situations. It is best to just say what it is and quit making a wasteland of everyone's lives as much as possible sometimes I think people drag it out because of guilt and children - but the sooner the better(when possible) means less guilt - more time to adjust - more time to heal and enough youth left to make a life I wish I had had more of my youth when I became single again |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
many people are also selfish and cowardly
they arent so miserable, or incapable of fidelity, they just want it all and cant find anyone who has it(noone is perfect) so they find it amongst two or more , all the while expecting monogamy in return I think its just a selfish/cowardly persons game most of the time |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
Scorpio_WJR
on
Sat 05/07/11 02:01 AM
|
|
What is this deal about humans not being monogamous by nature?? Once I find a partner, I have absolutely no desire or motivation to continue to hunt for another. If it is offered to me, I turn it down. I am repulsed at the idea of having more than one partner. I don't understand the appeal, and you mean to tell me that I am the odd one out for sticking to what I was raised to believe are the values of a normal, respectable person? I thought cheaters were supposed to be looked down upon as a disgrace to the community and cast aside for thier incompetence. Instead polygyny and polyandry are accepted as normal?? Wtf??
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Have you ever been cheated on?...How did you handle it? How long did it take to get over it? Can you trust FULLY the next time around?  -Just Curious- I have never had a faithful man. So yea my trust level is hard for me to deal with sometimes. I have to control myself to not take the past out on the future. I will give one good chance to show trustworthiness these days but no more than that. Pretty much, what she said. @--> ~hugss~ |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 05/07/11 05:28 AM
|
|
What is this deal about humans not being monogamous by nature?? Once I find a partner, I have absolutely no desire or motivation to continue to hunt for another. If it is offered to me, I turn it down. I am repulsed at the idea of having more than one partner. I don't understand the appeal, and you mean to tell me that I am the odd one out for sticking to what I was raised to believe are the values of a normal, respectable person? I thought cheaters were supposed to be looked down upon as a disgrace to the community and cast aside for thier incompetence. Instead polygyny and polyandry are accepted as normal?? Wtf?? Oh dear!....big reaction there...one woman makes a statement as to her own beliefs....that's all that happened...one woman, who does not believe that humans are essentially monogomous...one woman who has not been raised in your country with your beliefs....that's all that happened... I was never told, not made to believe that infidelity is looked down upon as a disgrace, nor to be cast aside.. Neither are many European countries, like France, Italy, Spain, for example....a mistress or lover is quite acceptable societally.. Perhaps it is a more American thing, I don't know...??? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I really love your attitude here because you are right - people are idiots in these situations. It is best to just say what it is and quit making a wasteland of everyone's lives as much as possible sometimes I think people drag it out because of guilt and children - but the sooner the better(when possible) means less guilt - more time to adjust - more time to heal and enough youth left to make a life I wish I had had more of my youth when I became single again Thankyou....but to be fair...I do wonder if, at the time, had he chosen differently...how I would have felt...and also he had no idea she was pregnant...she didn't want to 'trap' him into a decision, especially when he was married with two children and one on the way... I saw that as incredible sacrifice...she was a single mother with two children already...she chose to keep the pregnancy...(abortion doesn't have as huge a drama here in Australia)...and to raise that child single-handedly....no child support, nothing. I have a great deal of admiration for her, as a woman...and as a mother...and as I said in my prior post, people can't help who they fall in love with...and we had all known each other, (her ex was my children's father's best friend, and she, mine)...since we were quite young. I feel sad for them...it is very possible that if during their first dalliance, they had come to me, and fessed up...(in a really strange twist, their first and only dalliance for years, was the night my first child was born, they were both support persons at the labour...an incredibly emotional time spent together, and I often wonder if it was a human contact thing, after witnessing something so mind boggling, primal, and beautiful....hospitals ejected fathers and birth support persons quite quickly after a birth in those days, I wonder if they simply needed comfort and closeness)...I would have certainly have wished them well.. Understanding of course, I had fairly simplistic ideals of what attachment is, and was..and really never saw love, and parenthood as a life-binding experience between parents...as in they were stuck with each other for a lifetime. I have also been thinking about Scorpio's comments on monogamy...is anyone truly monogomous...? In it's purest form....we would all only ever have one love partner, one sex partner....for life, and past their death, if we as a species were monogomous..hence my statement of I don't believe we are monogomous as a species...we don't mate for life...or there would be no dating sites...   I know I fall in love often...with different people...some part of them resonates within me...be it their writing, their ideals, their music...their art, their purpose... However, I choose, and only I can...on how I conduct myself with the person....and I prefer an open and respectful honesty with an intimate romantic partner. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
many people are also selfish and cowardly they arent so miserable, or incapable of fidelity, they just want it all and cant find anyone who has it(noone is perfect) so they find it amongst two or more , all the while expecting monogamy in return I think its just a selfish/cowardly persons game most of the time yes msharmony I really think you have a valid point here as well. I don't think that fidelity is an unrealistic expectation to have and I dont think u have to be married to expect it. And even if, like Jess, u don't expect fidelity, it's never OK to use bad manners as far as how you behave in a non monogamous situation I think people do favor monogamy, I KNOW I am essentially monogamous(that doesn't always mean legal marriage) and those who aren't, are often just looking for an excuse to avoid responsible behavior, I agree - but that doesn't always have to be true, especially in serial monogamy - which is prolly how I'd describe myself. And most of the men I've dated for any length of time appreciated loyalty - but not getting it in return is usually why those relationships ended as you have amply stated already & I think it is a lack of monogamy that destroys relationships and friendships more so than being monogamous men (or women) who expect it need to also give it (monogamy) - and those who prefer it need to make sure it's preference their partners share or can choose to share (me) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
What is this deal about humans not being monogamous by nature?? Once I find a partner, I have absolutely no desire or motivation to continue to hunt for another. If it is offered to me, I turn it down. I am repulsed at the idea of having more than one partner. I don't understand the appeal, and you mean to tell me that I am the odd one out for sticking to what I was raised to believe are the values of a normal, respectable person? I thought cheaters were supposed to be looked down upon as a disgrace to the community and cast aside for thier incompetence. Instead polygyny and polyandry are accepted as normal?? Wtf?? Oh dear!....big reaction there...one woman makes a statement as to her own beliefs....that's all that happened...one woman, who does not believe that humans are essentially monogomous...one woman who has not been raised in your country with your beliefs....that's all that happened... I was never told, not made to believe that infidelity is looked down upon as a disgrace, nor to be cast aside.. Neither are many European countries, like France, Italy, Spain, for example....a mistress or lover is quite acceptable societally.. Perhaps it is a more American thing, I don't know...??? In the mediterranean a MAN may have a mistress - his wife accompanies him socially in his social circle - the mistress goes to quiet dark out of the way places with him or nowhere at all publically I think this whole mistress thing is disgusting and I never dated mediterranean men from that culture who were here when I was younger tho I had many offers (I was pretty hot in those days ) I might date from those cultures now - being more mature I know to judge each man on his own merits now |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 05/07/11 06:38 AM
|
|
Would it be fairer to say, that fidelity is unique to each of us, and how we view it, and what we require of a partner?
That many people are simply weak, uncaring, or selfish, and others may find themselves in a torturous predicament, duty bound to a committed relationship...but deeply attracted, perhaps even in love with another? I feel underlying everything is if you, (generalising) carry yourself with respect for your partner, and your self...then being honest BEFORE the act...or the intent of the act, is the kindest way to behave. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I really love your attitude here because you are right - people are idiots in these situations. It is best to just say what it is and quit making a wasteland of everyone's lives as much as possible sometimes I think people drag it out because of guilt and children - but the sooner the better(when possible) means less guilt - more time to adjust - more time to heal and enough youth left to make a life I wish I had had more of my youth when I became single again Thankyou....but to be fair...I do wonder if, at the time, had he chosen differently...how I would have felt...and also he had no idea she was pregnant...she didn't want to 'trap' him into a decision, especially when he was married with two children and one on the way... I saw that as incredible sacrifice...she was a single mother with two children already...she chose to keep the pregnancy...(abortion doesn't have as huge a drama here in Australia)...and to raise that child single-handedly....no child support, nothing. I have a great deal of admiration for her, as a woman...and as a mother...and as I said in my prior post, people can't help who they fall in love with...and we had all known each other, (her ex was my children's father's best friend, and she, mine)...since we were quite young. I feel sad for them...it is very possible that if during their first dalliance, they had come to me, and fessed up...(in a really strange twist, their first and only dalliance for years, was the night my first child was born, they were both support persons at the labour...an incredibly emotional time spent together, and I often wonder if it was a human contact thing, after witnessing something so mind boggling, primal, and beautiful....hospitals ejected fathers and birth support persons quite quickly after a birth in those days, I wonder if they simply needed comfort and closeness)...I would have certainly have wished them well.. Understanding of course, I had fairly simplistic ideals of what attachment is, and was..and really never saw love, and parenthood as a life-binding experience between parents...as in they were stuck with each other for a lifetime. I have also been thinking about Scorpio's comments on monogamy...is anyone truly monogomous...? In it's purest form....we would all only ever have one love partner, one sex partner....for life, and past their death, if we as a species were monogomous..hence my statement of I don't believe we are monogomous as a species...we don't mate for life...or there would be no dating sites... I know I fall in love often...with different people...some part of them resonates within me...be it their writing, their ideals, their music...their art, their purpose... However, I choose, and only I can...on how I conduct myself with the person....and I prefer an open and respectful honesty with an intimate romantic partner. yes, I think much hinges on how one handles non monogamous feelings, not just having them - it's pretty universal to have attractions when you are already paired, but a faithful person does not act upon those. and I am sorry, but to be truthful I have little understanding for a man who would sleep with another woman while his wife was laying abed with his child, and a woman who'd sleep with a friend's husband in those circumstances was never a friend at all. Friends in the truest sense of the word - just. don't. ...if there is to be a parting of ways - because I also agree that we can't help who we fall in love with- then it is how that parting is handled - or how staying together is handled that is important if the choice is to stay together then - as your husband did well there- the other woman has to remain off limits, in my opinion ( and I have dealt with that - I have stayed away from a man I fell in love with almost 20 yrs ago, believe it or not). as I have stated before I think I have seen more damage and completely useless drama created by infidelity than faithfulness especially infidelity, cheating, flirting that is badly handled and done inconsiderately and indiscriminately in full, degrading view of the woman and her friends I fall in love often too Jess - and we are all simply expressing our opinions here -no harm - no foul people need to lighten up - geez
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Would it be fairer to say, that fidelity is unique to each of us, and how we view it, and what we require of a partner? That many people are simply weak, uncaring, or selfish, and others may find themselves in a torturous predicament, duty bound to a committed relationship...but deeply attracted, perhaps even in love with another? I feel underlying everything is if you, (generalising) carry yourself with respect for your partner, and your self...then being honest BEFORE the act...or the intent of the act, is the kindest way to behave. O yes! I think so! You meet (this was my case) - fall profoundly in youthful optomistic love - ready to take on the world togther- nothing could go wrong - 1 year, 10 years, 7 years down the road, WHAP - u r hit in the face with ur soulmate and true love of your life in every way!!! OMG! What to do? I can't believe it happens so seldom - but we all choose what to do about it based on our values and our own current reality |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
many people are also selfish and cowardly they arent so miserable, or incapable of fidelity, they just want it all and cant find anyone who has it(noone is perfect) so they find it amongst two or more , all the while expecting monogamy in return I think its just a selfish/cowardly persons game most of the time I see you know my ex-husband. |
|
|
|
|
