My husband passed away recently and I haven't gone on any dates yet...I wonder how other widows feel when they first start dating again...Same goes for widowers and men who have to start over again after losing their wives....I was happily married for 24 years and I honestly expected to have my husband around for 20 more years or longer. I didn't plan to become "suddenly single" at 61....My first marriage ended in divorce. It was a sad time too but I had a better time coping with things because I was still in my 20's and I had young children to think about...Anyway I hope I'll be able to talk about my husband and our life together a little bit if I ever decide to go on a date...If I dated a widower I would expect and encourage him to talk about his life with his wife...Same goes for someone who is divorced...I'd like to hear about their past and former marriages too....But I know that we all have to "come into our own" and face reality about being single again....How do you feel about it? Thanks for listening....

my wife passed recently as well,i to did not plan on becoming suddenly single at 42 either but i did and i have found that the hardest thing is to even get someone to talk to after they find out that i am now widowed,it's almost like a plague i don't get it.i don't think i am ready to date just yet but the negative reception so far isn't much to look forward to.
we were married just over 25 years have 4 children with the youngest just turned 5, so dating isn't on the top priority list just yet.
I do feel really scared for when and if i do get back in to dating,it is no where even close to what it was years ago.

I'm so sorry you lost your wife. Thanks for taking the time to write....I'll write more in another post.

Sorry for both of your losses..
There used to be a post here for "Widows and Widowers". I've looked for it but not able to find it.. You could start a new post..
I, too, lost my husband in Mar. 07 after a 26 yr marriage (second). If you ever want to talk, I'm here...

My husband and I were happily married for 24 years...We planned to stay married. So I am not full of "trash talk" about my husband like some people can be after they go through a divorce...Maybe this scares people off when they think about dating a widow or widower...No one wants to feel like they are "second best" and it's impossible to compete with a dead person...It's different when a marriage ends in a divorce...A Lot of people have anger and resentment towards their former spouses.

Thanks for your caring post...Sorry that you lost your husband. Maybe we can talk about what it's like to be a widow (or widower) here in this thread for awhile...Thanks again for writing.

My wife Nanci and I were married for almost 24 years. We were together for 26 years.On the 29th of this month, it will be 4 years ago my wife passed away. I miss her dearly. I also am not full of "trash talk" concerning my wife. Nanci was God`s gift to me.

I have been in 2 relationships the past couple of years. The first relationship lasted about 3 months. The second one about 2 months.To say that I was being used would be a mild understatement. The woman in the second relationship really had a problem with me talking about my wife at times. It wasn`t like she competing with a dead person. In my opinion you just don`t pass 26 years of your life up to please someone else. If that sounds wrong, I do apologize.

Rara

And for all of you

I know that there is a huge difference between divorce and being widowed. If someone cannot accept your past and your wanting to share what you had in your life for so long - either good or bad - then possibly they are not the right one for you?

I have known many divorced and some widowed, both are painful losses.
My heart goes out to you

Decent people will let you talk. A loss like that is devastating, but the fact is that it was a huge part of your life and didn't just disappear. I envy your successes and sympathize with your losses.

My wife and I had been married for 26 years when she died of cancer after a year of treatment and pain. She was 11 years younger than me and I could see no earthly way she would not out live me. She has been gone a year now and I feel lonely but also feel guilty about wanting some form of relationship - so far I have not even met anyone for coffee. My wife's married lady friends from work meet me once a month for lunch during the week and this has been very nice but not the same.

Being alone scares the be-jesus out of me and I would really like to find someone that is retired and financially secure like I am - no clinging kids, drugs, alcohol, smoking, overwhelming poor health or financial problems PLEASE.

I went to a grief share class but it was just way too religious oriented for me and did nto help at all - I do not think this is a problem as I was so relieved for my wife when her suffering was over.

Are there any group meetings or social functions that would allow me to meet and mingle? I am 63 years old and very active.

Some ppl are self-contained to others emotional attachments for they never had such nor will they ever will have such a relationship with anyone. It's easy for someone like that to tell you to just let go, this is something that takes time and comfort within each one of us who lose a close love one. Just keep your head up high for you do have good on-line friends here when you need someone to reach out to.

It's hard to imagine going on dates and being married to someone else right now...I'm not sure that I could really give someone else a "fair shot" because I still have so many feelings left to work through right now...But who knows? ...I'm sorry for everyone who has lost loved ones...Good to share your feelings with people you can trust. This is how feel anyway.

hello im joyce 53 years old im widow since 2007. now im honestly looking for lifetime relationship.

would I date someone who lost his wife?
you bet as long as some time had passed for healing first

IME with 7 family members they all went through the same process.
A first husband who was bad, a second husband who died and was idealized, and a 3rd guy that is a companion and supportive.

So it was like:
Husband 1 5-10 years- "He's so dreamy! He's so hot! He's so cool! He's got so much going for him! I'm in high school. I'm doing what I'm supposed to, I found the best one here!... Oh, he beats me? It's because he's passionate!...we have kids!...okay, tired of that, I made a mistake, I gotta get away from this prick...he's not so hot anymore."

Husband 2 10-30 years - "I work, go to school, take care of kids, this guy isn't going away even though I push, he's good to my kids, he offers (not directly like making me a hooker) financial and emotional security and isn't asking me to change my life much, he's attractive.....oh crap, he died...uh...he was my soulmate!"

Husband/cohabitant 3 - "meh. I don't wanna deal with dating. I'm 60/70/80 and guys I meet are either way too old, unattractive, or attractive and just want some young thing and/or sex.
I don't really want to deal with that.
Hmmm...here's a guy that keeps bugging me, and no one else is talking to me, so I'll just talk to him.

He doesn't look like someone I'd normally want to date.
Kinda funny looking.
Oh look at that, when I'm truly honest, just respond based on letting myself go based on my mood, and tell him what I actually think he doesn't go away, he responds in kind and honestly.

Well, coffee wouldn't hurt.
Hey, look at that, we have fun together.
We just keep doing things and having fun and he's a good guy and it's not hard or feeling like a game. He's got his stuff, I got mine, we work together and get along, enjoy each other, and I care about him greatly. I already found my soulmate in the guy that died on me, so this is okay as long as I don't constantly talk about my dead husband, he knows and isn't asking for anything more than what we have, it works."

An old thread, but what the heck ...

I wouldn't choose to date a widower for what the OP said ...



From what I know, most widowers (don't know bout widows) hold on to their deceased wives. Often their homes are like a shrine dedicated to her. They keep everything in place the way she used to arrange it, nothing can be changed or moved to another place or simply removed/replaced because he wants to hang on to what once was.
They probably even feel they're cheating on their deceased wife when they make love to you.
No friggin way am I putting my foot into that.

Being widowed is different than being single or divorced but I would hope from both sides of the relationship that people give it a chance.

I think it is helpful to decide where you are in the transition after you are widowed before you start dating and if you have completed the majority of your grieving. It is not a bad thing to give yourself time to get through what are generally the seven stages of grief that peers can help you with. Peers being other widows and people who are helping you let go and start over. This is NOT the responsibility of a future partner that deserves to start with a whole person. I am not excluding family that may have a hard time letting you let go but don't kid yourself some will sabotage your best efforts to move forward. It is a process and it is not immediate. Give it time. Rule of thumb I have seen most need at least two years and up to a year per decade of marriage. If there has been catastrophic illness the survivor has to have time to recover just from that co-illness/injury. I recommend counseling. Might not be what you want to hear but it is useful.

No person coming into your life wants to live with your Ex in your house and that really does apply to the ghost of your past spouse. Not everyone has the ability or desire to completely alter you life after the exit of a spouse but to make and environment that doesn't feel like a sacred shrine if you do bring your self forward and that may mean some big changes. Pictures down, their personal Items put away, their "nest" chair moved out, and be smart move out the marriage bed. you don't have to abandon the previous in laws but you may have to work out some distance and boundaries'. It is often not dealing with the ghost but their family and friends that have not worked out their grief.

I get that you and your kids may desperately need a co-parent but people have to fall in love with you first and your kids later on down the line. If they are older it may not happen for years if ever. Trying to force the issue will torpedo the best relationship. If you need a co-parent find a peer single and or lean on family. And get a good sitter.

I don't believe in hiding your relationship from your kids but you don't need to cram it down their throat or yours. Small doses in neutral locations to start out are recommended.

But come on the flip side of that is couples make decisions together and SOME are your dates choices. Assuming that you are competing with someone you are really ignoring that many of the choices you may be railing at are in fact the person you are dating. And you don't just get to make "Their' house only Your house.

I strongly recommend not shacking up and that when you really are ready to co-mingle find mutual new digs and then slowly move in parts of each of your homes and furnish it with more new memories from your dating and courting days. If something is "emotionally loaded' sell it and donate the money to a memorial charity or give it to your kids.

The exception is when you date someone who probably has moved on and they only thing that really remains are the kids. You can blend families but just like you have to be pregnant for 9 months it takes time to bond and it is a personal relationship by the individuals that you can't force.

But keep in mind not all marriages that end in death are no more or less perfect than relationships that have ended in divorce. you learn from both. And just because someone has not been married does not mean they don't know about relationships or how to have one with you. Just because you have experience with one person does not make you and expert on all.