As we enter the beginning of another month, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I no longer ask the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water for fear of the bacteria and pesticides on the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed 6 months ago.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans Fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 ange looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because
I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
“Under God”
on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can’t ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Quaida, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t read this right though until the very end, at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician...
Oh, by the way.....
After a lengthy study, a German scientist from Argentina has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read this with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS:
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 20 ft. out of the toilet.

Catch ya on the flip side!!!!

Rly? You don't know what the last person was doing while watching PORN?
I have a pretty good guess...

And the water spash thing, Mythbusters proved your toothbrush will likely contain
fecal material :p

Stupid hand on mouse..

They forgot to tell you; do not eat at fast food places,cause the guys dump all kinds of perverse(and private)things in the food. I was once told by a friend,who waitressed,that she used to put menstrual blood in the ketchup bottles,when she was bored. (!!!!)

Oh,and we used to eat at this "cute and local" China town bakery/restaurant, in San Francisco,for years,until one day a plate of cooked food contained a large cockroach,also. yewww. We never ate there again. One friend told us,she was eating at a popular Mexican restaurant there,(she's Mexican)and she actually swallowed,unavoidably,a huge chunk of metal,and it went down her esophegus(spelling?),she choked,and choked.She went to an emergency room,hospital,and they x-rayed her,but could not find it.She apparentally passed it completely.wow.I believed her,having eaten in big city restaurants.

I'm only starting to wierd you out,with the truth;in San Francisco,the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper did a research article,and found that so many high-class,expensive,popular restaurants had cockroaches,or rats/mice,in the kitchen,it was terrible;only the health inspectors knew about who they were.The REALLY BAD ONES HAD BOTH mice/rats, AND cockroaches. wheww. We're talking nice,pricey,popular restaurants,not the scum-bag ones!!



Finally,a popular chef's book told this;Do not eat out,at restaurants,on Sat. Night.Also,do not eat at them on Monday nights.(They contain all the leftovers from the weekend.)I took his word for it,cause he was a real,professional,chef,with lots of years of work under his belt.So,when do you eat out?Maybe during the week...but mostly,only when you personally know the chef!!(best bet.)