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| Topic: Tear me to shreds! - Literary Criticism Room | |
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Deep man really deep
good stuff |
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Deep man really deep good stuff     
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Haha. This plunged into utter chaos very quickly. I actually gave a critical response to the first thing you posted, iam, and then X'd out of Firefox accidentally.
I'll redo it. In the meantime, know that it consisted of, "That was really damned good!" |
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Haha. This plunged into utter chaos very quickly. I actually gave a critical response to the first thing you posted, iam, and then X'd out of Firefox accidentally. I'll redo it. In the meantime, know that it consisted of, "That was really damned good!"  It is amazing in here sometimes. Works that really took a great length of time and imagination to make GO by w/o any replies,,and works that took five minutes, get two pages of replies, Many really GOOD WRITES,,by MANY different folks here,,sometimes just totally miss ANYONE seeing them? THAT just blows me away when I FIND one floating back a week or so,,,, When I first came into poems here,,there was about three people who TRULY thought THEY were REAL CRITIC'S,,and cut people down BAD,,,it was sometimes just all out fights in here over THEM,,,lol |
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naked eyes, bewildered thoughts, calculated motion, and dreary spells spin like tops. puzzled emotion, shattered hope, victom red skull doom, fits in motion. elevated care, wicked rage, melon sweet perfume, turn the page. Checkered grips, succulent feathers, tides of peril, stage on high, testy moral, puddles of lava, and what, when and how? Soil in the dark, knights with armor, silk on the canvas, mink fur to warm her. Valent energy, stumbling legs beat the concrete, staggering patrons, and kings of defeat. potion in the pantry, dazzling rays of musical heights, feisty creatures, and pest swarm in the night.
i tried. |
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naked eyes, bewildered thoughts, calculated motion, and dreary spells spin like tops. puzzled emotion, shattered hope, victom red skull doom, fits in motion. elevated care, wicked rage, melon sweet perfume, turn the page. Checkered grips, succulent feathers, tides of peril, stage on high, testy moral, puddles of lava, and what, when and how? Soil in the dark, knights with armor, silk on the canvas, mink fur to warm her. Valent energy, stumbling legs beat the concrete, staggering patrons, and kings of defeat. potion in the pantry, dazzling rays of musical heights, feisty creatures, and pest swarm in the night. i tried. you have put together some good images here. the problem is the format in which you display it try breaking it up a bit, it makes the work easier to read and allows the thought (images) to sink in much more. naked eyes bewildered thoughts calculated motion and dreary spells spin like tops.... ...just a suggestion, nothing more, this is your piece, your words and ideas, but how you present them can give can give more impact and sometimes even greater understanding.... |
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ok i know i posted this before, but i am curious...and i was thinking about a re-do, so....tear me to shreds!
My Coordinate System tobacco stained nightmares in alcoholic sweat the closet door pedophile is preening on the net as laughing gas dentist yank teeth from a grin he smiles through the picket fence of his, distorted sin I’ m not sure what this about just mental masturbation with a climax of doubt pre-cum verses dripping down societies chin lethal contraceptive impregnating spin there’s a digital recording of a life you didn’t plan kept in sight by the face on a clock without hands this cell phone is a tether with invisible string keeping us connected like the spice on a chicken wing and I, I am a miracle I am superman but, without all the cool stuff you, you are my kryptonite but, without you I would die anyway it’s a tricky thing, this life some die heroic, others live in strife while this flat tire turnstile keeps me on the side so I trade one for another and the other’s just the same lessons never learned are destined for the flame even the good girls sometimes get wax across the chest and the bad boys swarm when angels need to rest you trade one for another and the other’s just as lame keeping with the theory of inertial reference frame shadowboxer curser, blank computer screen misfit island luau in honor of the queen smoke signal drifters infiltrate the scene corrupting all the produce and you’re a tangerine but, in a world of great disease I am immune running round the motor track feeding on the fumes catching glimpses of a life through the eye of a monsoon trying to avoid the cow who’s returning from the moon and I will because I, I am a miracle I am superman without all the cool stuff but, sometimes she lets me wax poetic |
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The dotted lines converge on the amaranthine horizon, extending into the heart of the setting Utah sun like a rapid-fire laser; the canyon-gorged landscape passing before me knew my footsteps, it knew the mud-drenched tracks of the Mormon carts, it understood the toil of the settlers gracing its rugged features; the embers born out the friction and labor consumed the leper Juniper colony like a pandemic, the fire knew my eyes and I knew its warmth because nature enveloped me in a wintry cocoon and spat out a moth-eaten rebel who knew few restraints and fewer regrets, the life that began thereafter knew many pleasures and much disappointment; I luxuriated in the effervescent waters of the hottest spring and sought umbrage in the most sultry summer, I savored cocktails aboard luxurious Aegean yachts, I knew the exuberance of dallying with sexy Greek teens with a killer wingman, I appreciated the shimmering sun-scorched decks forged in the sweat of underpaid grunts, I learned in time to engage the depth deception, and volunteer for timeless moments in the periphery of human understanding, I knew the infinite depths of the altered sound, and the atmospheric rhythm compelling the ecstatic masses to piroutte through the haze like wild monkey engaging in a sexless copulation under the flickering pulse of the kaleidoscopic firmament, I had a taste for excess but excess jilted me, I know the throes of passion and the serenity of those mellow moments of respite, I have sinned against the totalitarian cross and voiced my dissent at the monolithic monuments to entrenched societal injustice and inequitable confinement, I lament the convicts of victimless crimes withering away into callous indifference for an aimless reform inside corrupted reformatories, in silent protest I staggered along the trail of adolescent hedonism until I crossed beyond the threshold of the final door, beyond this point I pondered how to skid and slither through the quagmires of pleasure and pain without venturing a gamble on my territorial claim; so I resigned from this quest and now know and cherish the presence of those who show me in the grace and consistency of their nurturing company how life’s joys defy the hidebound tomes and the monotonous parrots lifeless drones, I have headed nowhither and found direction
I already know I will get torn to shreds for using such 'grandiloquent' an inaccessible language but that's my style |
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The dotted lines converge on the amaranthine horizon, extending into the heart of the setting Utah sun like a rapid-fire laser; the canyon-gorged landscape passing before me knew my footsteps, it knew the mud-drenched tracks of the Mormon carts, it understood the toil of the settlers gracing its rugged features; the embers born out the friction and labor consumed the leper Juniper colony like a pandemic, the fire knew my eyes and I knew its warmth because nature enveloped me in a wintry cocoon and spat out a moth-eaten rebel who knew few restraints and fewer regrets, the life that began thereafter knew many pleasures and much disappointment; I luxuriated in the effervescent waters of the hottest spring and sought umbrage in the most sultry summer, I savored cocktails aboard luxurious Aegean yachts, I knew the exuberance of dallying with sexy Greek teens with a killer wingman, I appreciated the shimmering sun-scorched decks forged in the sweat of underpaid grunts, I learned in time to engage the depth deception, and volunteer for timeless moments in the periphery of human understanding, I knew the infinite depths of the altered sound, and the atmospheric rhythm compelling the ecstatic masses to piroutte through the haze like wild monkey engaging in a sexless copulation under the flickering pulse of the kaleidoscopic firmament, I had a taste for excess but excess jilted me, I know the throes of passion and the serenity of those mellow moments of respite, I have sinned against the totalitarian cross and voiced my dissent at the monolithic monuments to entrenched societal injustice and inequitable confinement, I lament the convicts of victimless crimes withering away into callous indifference for an aimless reform inside corrupted reformatories, in silent protest I staggered along the trail of adolescent hedonism until I crossed beyond the threshold of the final door, beyond this point I pondered how to skid and slither through the quagmires of pleasure and pain without venturing a gamble on my territorial claim; so I resigned from this quest and now know and cherish the presence of those who show me in the grace and consistency of their nurturing company how life’s joys defy the hidebound tomes and the monotonous parrots lifeless drones, I have headed nowhither and found direction I already know I will get torn to shreds for using such 'grandiloquent' an inaccessible language but that's my style Without even getting into the content I can tell you that this needs work. (not trying to be mean here) People are lazy, especially when it comes to reading. You have to remember this. Upon first sight this looks like a big block of words and not really inviting to the reader. You will lose 40% of them just on the appearance. You need to break this up and make it easier to read. Also, try and end some of your thoughts here. Use periods to complete them and to give the reader time to pause. If you don’t do this it becomes just one long sentence and it will not matter what you have said because, it will all blend together. Most people will not bother to finish the write and if they do, your meaning, more than likely will get lost. Ok, I hope I have not made you too mad, but you did ask and I am honestly just trying to help. |
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The smell of pumpkin moonshine filled the air. Fall was offically on it's way. Melissa was sooo excited she couldn't sleep a wink. To calm herself visually, she even went as far as to paint her room pink! But it didn't work. Nope, nothing seemed to work.
She tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! Herbal teas, aromatherapy, meditation, and exercise. Hell, even her granny's world renowned Tryptophan Casserole didn't work. None of them worked. It started to feel like all was pointless, and Melissa was doomed to never sleep again. Was it something she could live with? She often pondered this question, and one day finally realized, of course not. Nobody can live without sleep! The moment she came to this epiphany, if was almost as if a small weight had been lifted from the endoplasmic reticulum of her nether region. Feeling better, she decided to go out. Now mind you, Melissa lived in a very small town, and there's really not a whole lot to do there. If you ever find yourself there, you have two choices - 1) Go to Buttcrack Bayou and grab a beer. 2) Go to Skeeterpeters Pornographic Get-N-Go, and you know... Being the girl Melissa is, she obviously chose... Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn To find out the answers to these questions, and more... ... tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of; Diaries of a Pornographic Puzzle Farter |
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Soulmates
by Seakolony (April W.) Standing there The whole time Listening to me ramble About my life It's in shambles Holding my hand And wiping my tears Was in his arms At 20 years Living a promiscuous shuffle Burying memories in male arms Driving away The sexual mental and physical harm Oh no pregnant She became Marriage he offered No she proclaimed You must move on Hoping for Hearth and home of his own Moved on he did Marriage, kids, and divorce Bringing him back To the beginning Of our course Roommates we became Me in a relationship And him too For many years Friends we remained Relationships failed Therefore, we hung out And raised a toast For us both Suddenly It came back round Realization He always knew Realization I just grew 20 years wasted My foolishness Of youth My soulmate Stood by my side All along Loving me Despite my pride Destinies, agenda met Standing together in kismet |
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You KNOW I don't want to do this.
But I will, the once, for you P_P. Some background.. I wrote this for a feller I met on M2. He had asked me if I knew what his nick-name meant..I had answered 'Is it about dental floss?' It had the word 'glide' in it. He was appalled, apparently the first motorcycle by Harley was the Electra Glide so I wrote this to show I grasped it. I never finished it as it was over before then so, the syllable matches are off... Outlaw He glides with electra, into the night they ride as one at the wind The righteous shy away in fright like the devil himself has sinned. He thunders into the darkening bend trails of his dust flying high He knows what he needs to defend to the end and he knows what he needs to defy. He flaunts his freedom in weathered chaps as he haunts the home of the brave He smiles behind his shades of glass because the road to hell is paved. |
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You KNOW I don't want to do this. But I will, the once, for you P_P. Some background.. I wrote this for a feller I met on M2. He had asked me if I knew what his nick-name meant..I had answered 'Is it about dental floss?' It had the word 'glide' in it. He was appalled, apparently the first motorcycle by Harley was the Electra Glide so I wrote this to show I grasped it. I never finished it as it was over before then so, the syllable matches are off... Outlaw He glides with electra, into the night they ride as one at the wind The righteous shy away in fright like the devil himself has sinned. He thunders into the darkening bend trails of his dust flying high He knows what he needs to defend to the end and he knows what he needs to defy. He flaunts his freedom in weathered chaps as he haunts the home of the brave He smiles behind his shades of glass because the road to hell is paved. very defiant, non-conformant, yet determined and intent......... |
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Screaming Nightmares by: JamieRawxx
Dying slowly in an endless sea full of lost hopes and burning dreams Drowning in my pain I cut my wrist release my misery Beautiful are you I sleep awake In nightmares of your face Reach for reality I taste your ecstasy Your eyes black as coal your body dead and cold what have i done I took it all Now im here all alone skin pale heart of stone i hear your voice like a angel singing my tears of embers streaming I have fallen never to awake In blissful memories Of your Face |
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We're off to a tremendous start. Maybe I should post something to get the koosh ball rolling. "it came like this" by plastic_pancakes i have dreamed of nothing since tears evaporate (the) eyes resist and all the tempests howl with emptiness just like this it came like this the sun resigned her eyes grew wide the moon got drunk on wasted tides that sped along the seas of rome and crashed their ashes through our homes despite the nothing in the beds of children bettered by their deaths i still maintain this earthly ink out my veins back down the sink better yet i'm better spent with selling deaths for months on end the day is mine yet still defined with watered eyes still growing blind the summer welts her sores are heavy they bleed and bend down every levy every place i can't erase and i still taste what can't be swallowed I'm not crazy about the last stanza C- particularly the last line. There's not much more to say. You know I think you're brilliant...so carry on. |
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if it's shredding you want, put on some heavy metal.
i think you all should take a bow. |
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where did he go?
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Edited by
RowBaby
on
Tue 10/26/10 12:42 PM
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deactivated at 5555 posts.
 I hope he comes back. Tribbles too. |
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where did he go? an interminable vacation. |
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Edited by
kc0003
on
Tue 10/26/10 12:53 PM
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where did he go? an interminable vacation. "psychological studies have indicated that an interest in answering questions denotes a general interest in the emotional undertaking of those you associate with."
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