Grim Reaper: I AM DEATH!

Guest #4: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening...


- Meaning of Life

Humphrey: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.


- Meaning of Life

Pupils: All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat.

All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings.

He made their brutish venum, he made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small.

All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.

Who made the spiny urchin? Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small.

Putrid foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made them all. Amen.


- Meaning of Life

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8


- Meaning of Life

Lady Presenter: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life.
[Receives an envelope]

Lady Presenter: Thank you, Brigitte.

[Opens envelope, reads what's inside]

Lady Presenter: M-hmm. Well, it's nothing very special.

Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their ****ing arses and back in the sodding cinema.

Family entertainment? Bollocks.

What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where's the fun in pictures?

Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.

- Meaning of Life

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk


- Meaning of Life

Leaving so soon?

Why, I wouldn't hear of it ... My little party is JUST beginning ...

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe ...



- The Wizard of Oz

Ding Dong the Witch is DEAD!!!

Which ole Witch?

The WICKED Witch!

Ding Dong the WICKED Witch is DEAD!!!



- The Wizard of Oz

Dorothy: This is the old house! The one the tornado blew away. This is how I got into Oz the first time. That used to be my bedroom, and in there was the kitchen... And that's where I landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. But where all the munchkins?

- Return To Oz '85

Jack Pumpkinhead: If his brain's ran down, how can he talk?
Dorothy: It happens to people all the time, Jack.

- Return To Oz '85

Josh Hutton: The last time I took a drink, I got into a car crash and I killed a girl.
Otis: No!
Josh Hutton: Yeah.
Otis: That's enough to drive you to drink.

- The Unbelievable Truth



Maria Coughlin: He's dangerous but sincere.
Nurse Paine: Sincerely dangerous.
Maria Coughlin: No, he's dangerous *because* he's sincere.

- Trust



Thomas: How can you be a nymphomaniac and never had sex?
Isabelle: I'm choosy.

- Amateur

...

So why did I do it?

I could offer a million answers, all false.

The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change.

This is the last of this sort of thing.

I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life.

I'm looking forward to it already.

I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the ****ing big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.


- Trainspotting

Henry Fool: It's a philosophy. A poetics. A politics, if you will. A literature of protest. A novel of ideas. A pornographic magazine of truly comic book proportions. It is, in the end, whatever the hell I want it to be. And when I'm through with it it's going to blow a hole this wide straight through the world's own idea of itself.



Henry Fool: I can't work for a living, Simon, it's impossible. I've tried once. My genius will be wasted trying to make ends meet. This is how great men topple, Simon.


- Henry Fool

Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
John Henderson: I want kids.
Carl: Well, adopt.
John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
Carl: Masturbate in the garden.

- Mother

Psychiatrist: Tell me, Harold, how many of these, eh, *suicides* have you performed?

Harold: An accurate number would be difficult to gauge.

Psychiatrist: Well, just give me a rough estimate.

Harold: A rough estimate? I'd say [savoring the thought]

Harold: fifteen.

Psychiatrist: Fifteen?

Harold: That's a rough estimate.

Psychiatrist: Were they all done for your mother's benefit?

Harold: No. No, I would not say "benefit."


- Harold and Maude

Maude: A lot of people enjoy being dead.

But they are not dead, really.

They're just backing away from life.

*Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even.

But play as well as you can. Go team, go!

Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E.

L-I-V-E. LIVE!

Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.



- Harold and Maude

Maude: You know, at one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. But I decided that was an idea way before its time. Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing... oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage

- Harold and Maude

Maude: [gesturing to a sick tree growing through a sidewalk] Harold, we have got to do something about this life.

Harold: What?

Maude: We'll transplant it. To the forest.

Harold: You can't do that.

Maude: Why not?

Harold: This is public property.

Maude: Well, exactly...





Maude: Vice, Virtue. It's best not to be too moral.

You cheat yourself out of too much life.

Aim above morality. If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live life fully.





Maude: Harold, everyone has the right to make an *** out of themselves.

You just can't let the world judge you too much.




- Harold and Maude

Hey! I'm walkin' here!!!

- Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy: improv