My daughter had her baby January 3rd. My daughter is 17. Young to be a mom however what is done is done. We make the best of it, she lives with her boyfriends family for alot of different reasons. The number one reason is that I can not make her stay home. At least according to NY State. She's picked a hard road and I wanted more for her but like I said, what's done is done and I love her and my grandbabies.

Her father will not talk to her. Has not spoken to her since I called him from the hospital when she went into labor. Even then he didnt want to talk to her but I guilted him into it. Now my daughter calls me and is crying because her dad won't talk to her, he hasn't seen the baby and she wants to know what she did. I have no idea what to say. It is not my place to make excuses for her dad. I stopped doing that years ago. However, its not right for me to tell her that her dad is just a stubborn jerk either. (Which I did not tell her). I was left saying, I'm sorry, but I don't know. Which somehow seems completely inadequate.

It hurts me when my kids are hurting and I can't fix their pain. I'm really ticked off and there is not a thing I can do to make her Dad call or even stop in to see her. I know it's his loss and someday he will regret his actions but it's the effect it has on my daughter that breaks my heart.

Any advice? or if not, thanks for letting me vent.

You can't fix this for her. She needs to decide what to do with her "father" who won't call his daughter. She has to decide if she wants to just cut ties with him.
She may want to see him and of course she wants him to be part of her life and the baby's life... but she can't make him do it. You can't make someone be a good person or parent.
If I was her, I'd write him a letter stating how I felt and tell him, you're in or out.

Hello , I read what you wrote and I agree it is not for you to solve anything here... the best thing you can do is to project love to all involved , you do not want to focus on any of the sad feelings as they wi11 surely manifest into greater problems. Take the stance of I love a11 who are involved and even meditate on the situation.. take a moment close your eyes , focus on the space just above your eyebrows at the center of your forehead and project all the loving feelings of joy you have on those you love and that should help.

I'm not getting involved!

my honest opinion is this.. u are 35 yrs old.. i see grandbabies as a plural.. even if u cut your age in half that is age 17 for both of you having a baby..i would not want to imagine my kids having a baby that young...

heres the thing.. she has gotta be really young.. and she just had a baby i think she should be worrying about taking care of her child.. not at what anyone else thinks.. that is she should be joyed to be bringing in this world a beautiful baby, how its gonna feel to bathe the baby, push the baby around in the stroller.. to hold the baby all night long if need be.. thinking about supporting the baby..<not living at the bf's parents house> but about how to give this child a life and teaching it morals and values etc..

what did she do? well she isnt taking care of herself as u make it sound.. neither is the bofriend.. sounds like the parents are taking care of them.. and its time for them to both grow up because this child is their responsibility...and that is what she should be focusing on.. doesnt sound like she is..or the father..

best of luck to the child!

OOOOHHHHH Buttons thank you

I usually tell it like it is and now you did


ditto

ditto

ditto

I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Opinions are great when you have all the facts.
In all truth? She is taking care of her children. Both her and my grandbabies father(that would be singular) work to take care of them. To pay for them and their care. They work opposite shifts so that child care costs are not a factor. However, I'm not going to go on a rant about that. That wasn't the point of this thread.

Thanks for your input though. And yes, actually, I was a very young mom. 16 to be precise. No one, and I do mean no one, took care of my children except for me and my husband. I worked, as did he, and many is the time that I sat down in the middle of the floor and cried right along with my children. I am not ashamed of the fact that I was a young mother, I had all five of my children by the time I was 22. While some might gasp in shock or horror. Let me say this, I regret none of it. And precautions are not always effective. As I found out with each of my pregnancies.

Sorry, I do not mean to go on and on. However, this is a sore spot. People that think young people can't be good parents and judge them on statistics. Well, statistics be damned. Statistics are a good base for knowledge or information, I will agree with that. They are not all inclusive though.

Well, I can't help you there, because honestly, I would do exactly what the dad did in that situation. Good luck

You can only be there and try to help someone so much.

I would tell her to be patient and focus on the child,, it has only been less than a week that her father 'stopped' talking to her. If he came around with the other grandkids he will about this one as well.

no... and i did not know it was even the same child with more kids.. taking care of a child in my eyes does not only mean working.. but it is to put a roof over your own childrens heads.. having your own unit as a family...
she must be young.. as you were.. no where did i state that that because she is young, that that was a factor.. some feel i was young as well.. i was 21.. however like you.. i would not of changed that whatsoever to a different age..
i just felt that the focus was not in the right area..you can not control your ex and she cannot control her father.. who knows why he is acting this way.. yes im sure it hurts her feelings.. but only he can fix that.. their relationship between each other.. but when a new baby is in the house.. the focus needs to be on that baby.. and now that it is known there is a sibling to focus on the adjustments to the other child as well <or children>

life is rough these days and only seems to be getting rougher.. age has nothing again to do with this..at 21 i was more able to provide for my children.<in a monetary way>. that today at 46 if i were to have a child..
like msharmony says... i fully think all of this will fall in place

Well my advice would be not to throw anyone under the bus at this point. Congratulate everyone and foucus on the positive.

For generations teens have been having babies and I don't see this changeing any time soon. It is not, in and of it self necessarily a bad thing; if the families are nurtureing and working together and the young parents don't stop moving forward in their developement as a people. I would stress the Ideally the older a teen is the better but this particular teen is communicationg with her experienced mother and seems to have a relationship with a responsible guy so not like she is flashing her crotch and driving drunk like some media bimbo. Returning to work so soon seems like a lot for a mother of a newborn but I understand the realities of the economy. I would be glad to try to resource them if I can.

Grandma you have every right to hurt when you see your child suffering. And ask for support and wisdom from any and all sources. Sure this event is a lot of stress for you even in the happiest moments. Chances are old wounds are going to flare up and fatigue is going to make this seem especially cruel. It is never fun feeling powerless when our kids are hurting. Be kind to yourself and and try to be as rested and well nourashed as you can so that you can cope yourself.

I would try to keep in mind sometimes just lisening and not trying to fix what you have no power over can be the most comfort. You were right not to amplify the hysteria by making Grandpa out to be a jerk. Try to take comfort in the fact that your daughter is communicating her feelings to you. This is a really good sign actually. It may be a comfort to her later if you and or her keep a journal of this time in her life. A few blue days here and there are to be expected but if you note a pattern you can go with your daughter to visit her doctor with good information. Definitely want to be aware of any post partum depression or signs of abnormal exhaustion. Also any other signs of emotional or physical abuse.

I actually think it is a good arrangement that this young mother is living with her "husband/baby daddy" because it allows them both, includeing the other grandparents to bond with the baby and your daughter to bond with them. Hopefully the other Grandma will not displace your daughter as Momma. Working opposite shifts doesn't appear she is. Eventually having their own nest would be ideal but being alone the first six months as very young parents sounds pretty over the top of and expectation to me.

Definitely a situation where you might want to pitch in even if it is to take in a casserole or help your daughter keep up with her share of the homemaking there. It might be tough but trying to bring both sides of the family together over this blessing is worth the effort. If Grandpa Ex can be part of that without only being made to feel like and ATM so much the better. Start small and resist the guilt trip. Maybe helping the new "son" find furniture to repair or refinish for the baby, or their first place, or improve a vehical or job skill. There was something you found desireable about your Ex in the early years try to relate that to the inlaws and build bridges not barriers. You don't have to make him a hero just human.

If I am reading the over all situation this is a really new baby. Maybe things have not been so rosey between your Ex and you and even some drama with this young family. Sure Granndpa Ex probably feels about as welcome as a toothache. While I doubt it was your intent being put on the spot over the phone when his daughter is in labor would take some pretty good coping skills. Not saying it is admirable behavior but realistic that he may not. I am not beating you up either. Sure you were very overwhelmed by this life changeing experience.

If anything I have learned over the years is men are NOT generally all warm and fuzzy over newborns. Unless cornered most will not touch or want to hold one and can not handle tears infant or otherwise. Once the baby starts to "plump up" and respond they become much less intimidateing. Even if Grandpa jumped in from the start with your kids it is different with a Grandbaby.

Not knowing how your Ex feels about his daughter ( And son-in-?) might be repeating his life it may be better that he has some time to adjust to the idea. Reassureing your daughter that he has a lifetime to be a Grandpa and will probably warm up to the idea once the baby is older is not really defending the Ex or making promises for his behavior. If your Ex is not significantly older than you are it is likely that he has his own issues to now not only be a father but also a Grandpa. If he has a spouse and or other children in his life he has a full plate for sure. Men feel guilty for divorce even though they are not as able to vocalize it over other emotions. Often anger or at very least scarcasm.

The last thing I would do is encourage and emotional teen Mother to do is confront her Dad either in person, by phone, or writing a letter that she might well regret later.

Ultimatiums of "now or never" are cutting her nose off to spite her face. He has already felt impotent to some degree or another over the divorce and careing about a Grandchild may not be high on hid list of things he wants to feel if he hasn't felt particularly successful in the family department.

Now that she is a "woman" it is time for her to limit the "waterworks" and communicate her needs with less drama and more invitation than demands. To you and Grandpa.

Probably a good time to re-enforce the idea that you and your ex are divorced and this baby is not going to bring her parents together. It may take developeing a graceful way to coexist, even not overlap, at various activities if coexistence is not possible.

men are jerks, but not all. tell her to focus on her precious kids and let her father come around. tell her not to stress about him she did nothing wrong. she can still achieve her dreams, altought it will be a little harder know. many women have done it. all you can do is just be there for her and let her know shes loved, which Im sure you are doing, you sound like a good mom.

oh and congrats on the new grandbaby. Im still waiting for one.