It seems so easy a concept but so difficult to accomplish. How do you know what you can change, what you should change about yourself, without actually changing who you are? Can you change who you are or only aspects of yourself? Does changing those aspects thereby alter the whole?

I raise this question (ok, questions) as I'm getting ready to attend my 40th birthday celebration, which will consist of exactly 6 people...my two brothers, my sister-in-law and the kids. I'm pretty indifferent to turning 40. No cause for celebration, other than I actually made it this far, which is a miracle in and of itself with some of the crap I've pulled. But no cause for being depressed about it either, I've played the hand I was dealt and done my best.

What I'm struggling with I guess is this whole concept of being alone forever. It seems society thinks I'm supposed to have fallen in love, found someone to share my life with by now, and in some ways I feel the same; after all, I'm on this site, right? So I must at least in theory want to meet "the one".

There in lies my problem...I don't believe in "the one" or that I really want to be with anyone. I'm pretty comfortable and content being alone most of the time. Sure, I have my days where I'm lonely, but for the most part, I have my own agenda for what I want to do in my life. I'm an anti-social hermit who hasn't dated in years and doesn't really have any desire to. (Which is evident from my profile LOL)

But on the other hand, everyone keeps telling me what I'm missing out on, how great love can be. What a blessing it is to have someone to share joy with, to lean on in tough times, to look back over the years together and reminisce. Should I try to change or say f-it and keep on keepin' on my merry old way all by my lonesome? And even if I wanted to change, could I? I'm not going to suddenly go through some metamorphosis from a dull drab creepy thing to a social butterfly. What if I just AM a dull drab creepy thing?

Okay, sorry for the long *** post. I speak rarely but when I do, I usually have a bit to say... some things just don't change.

everybody changes

thats one thing you can't stop

the key is to be aware and control your change to become who you want to be

First- Happy upcoming birthday...

Second- I think you should not worry about what others say and do what works for you.. If you do not believe in love and you prefer to not date then that is your choice...

It does not matter that some think everyone must fall in love, that everyone is completed by having a partner.. Too many of those people settle just to be with someone rather than being happy with themselves and enjoying life...

I'd much rather be alone and happy than settle for what I don't want just to be with someone...

You have to do what works for you, not the rest of coupled or want to be coupled society...

Why would you have to change?


If you feel something is not working in your life, then id say yeah, take a look at it and see what you can do better, but to change who you are, isn't that trying to please somone else and not being who you are. I'm hoping i'm understanding your question, but things happen when they are supose to happen. Not when we wont them, and to try to conform to socity is a wast of time.

I totally agree!

One thing I have learned is never go by what others think you should do or what you should be like much less how your life should be. As long as your comfortable of whom you are and where you are in life that is all that matters. Only make the changes within your life that you feel is needed as long as your happy with your life that is all that matters....


Heck I just turned 51 and honestly the age thing has never bothered me at all. And as far as others think that I need to have someone by now well it just has not happened yet but then I don't worry about it either if it happens it will happen.

If change is need, life sort of has a way of bringing the opportunity to the table for us..we just need to learn to recognize it. After years of being what you call an "antisocial hermit"...working at home, never dating..
I was forced to actually leave the house to go to an office environment due to others losing their jobs and having to pick up the slack..I still find it difficult.
I'm realizing now..it was time to stumble out of the cave, get around people again, jump back into life. I still life my life on my own terms..not what others expect from me.

Happy 40th, your gonna love your 40's..

AHH my friend, I think we all go threw life wondering of the what if's.Some say if they don't like me , move on, or I am who I am....etc.If you are happy with you,and honest with all, you have more going for you then most.To many get selfish for themselfs with out truly carring if they hurt someone on the way with their own agenda.Use your mind, common sence,your ethics.And i'm sure you'll deside if change is needed. and you have a wonderful birthday.
Happy 40th!!!!!

Thanks for the great responses! This is exactly what I'm talking about. I feel fine where I'm at right now although I'm changing as we speak. We all are. Life throws us curves so we roll with the punches, adapt. Our wants and needs change as well. I'm different than I was twenty years ago, or even ten or five. So who, or should I say how, I'll be next year or ten years from now is bound to be different, especially if things go as planned.

I guess I just wonder if I'm missing out; if, as you pointed out Ladylid, it's time to come out of the cave. I go to college full time, I get out of the house if I need to do something, but I don't go out to socialize EVER. And I'm okay with that but I feel like time's slipping away and that there's always been something missing in my life. Maybe it's this thing you all call love. Maybe it's time to try out the concept of sharing my life, but yet I've never been one to play well with others. It will be extremely difficult, if not downright impossible, for me to be anyone but who I am...a loner. See how I'm stuck in this stupid viscious circle of logic?

Just one of the many things that make me go hmmmmmm!

Getting out of the cave has been the best thing that has happened for a long time...although I didn't feel like that when I found out I had to.
Amazing what were given just when we need it..
Sharing my heart has been one of my biggest challenges..now I know I can do that also.

Hang in there..good things are coming

I'm 36, and for the past year and a half, I have evaluated my life. See, I feel I am still in my prime, that I have alot to offer, and that my future is going to flat out fun and awesome. I do have my challenges because the future is a scary thing. But I embrace it because I have found solace in the fact that

1. I am growing as a person, meaning I have evolved and that I look at things in so many different ways.

2. I believe that I will make a difference in people's lives. I try to make people laugh and smile on this site, and if I do that, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.

3. I believe I will fall in love again..someday. But I am also ok if I never do. But then again...I am so freaking awesome that whomever the lady is that nabs me should feel darn special.

I had to just accept that I needed to evolve as a human being, and that I have so much to offer this world. Maybe it is writing a post that helps someone deal with a situation. Maybe it is just a smile and conversation to someone, making there day and restoring their faith in people. Whatever it is, I have embraced that I am still gonna be me. I like my alone time, but I also want to give myself to a special woman. I also want to make a difference in people's lives. These things mean something to me, and instead of just sitting by, I am ready to kick things in gear. It is alot of change, and as I said, it is scary. But I am so looking forward to the journey.

Ahhh, you're my hero Goof! Nice to hear from ya...been awhile, but still love your attitude. I share it in many regards, except maybe for that "again" part in #3 and replace "lady" with man.

The only thing I'd caution you about, in case it hasn't been mentioned, is this: you already have visions of the future in your head, we all do. If those visions assume the presence of a mate, you might want to give consideration to when you want to set about setting that future up, so you don't arrive there alone.
Other than that, I'm with the rest...never change JUST because someone says you ought to.

Best post of the day thus far and it was SO nice to hear you speaking from the heart!!

I turned 40 a couple months ago OP and I do believe I am finally finding myself. I never dreamed it would take this long!! Best wishes to you!!!

Shhh! Don't tell anyone. I have a rep to protect on here.

Despite his ferocious wit...how can you not love the Goof? A man who no doubt...has evolved as a human being! Love ya, brother!

I have my moments Gator. Whether they be sane thoughts or insane thoughts...I have em.

Birthdays, reunions etc are milestones that makes us stop and reflect on what kind of life we have had thus far, our accomplishments, etc. You are fine and if you don't feel fine then set your sights on what it is you want to do such as (a)learn origami (b)protest the "no pets" policy on Amtrak (c)buy a spider monkey. You get the idea. Others are not as focused on your accomplishments or lack thereof as you might think eventhough they love you.

Listen, if youre happy with being a dull drab creepy thing, so be it.

I put myself out there, but I dont go-a- searching either. *shrugg*