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| Topic: Knowing when to leave...and ask for help | |
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I know this woman who is divorcing her husband. She has three kids...6, 9 and 11. He’s a loser. Can’t hold a job. Hot head. Abuser...physically and mentally. She’s separated. But he’s always around. Doesn’t contribute anything in the way of money for her or kids. She works and is a good mother. She called the police on him last night. He showed up at her house...demanded to be fed. She asked him to leave after he berated the kids. He apparently threw garbage all over the kitchen...choked her, and pushed her down, twice. His dog, a pit bull, got excited and bite her on the leg. He left his vehicle and went away on foot. She took her kids and went next door...another young woman who recently divorced is letting her stay there for safety. She has contacted an attorney today. And filed a report with the police. She has integrity, character...independent. But she is stubborn. A Brooklyn gal...and I’m afraid she is at risk from this guy. He has a long history of this kind of behavior...and this is the first time she has called the police. I’ve come to know men like him through my writing...he’s dangerous...and I’m afraid - even though she called the police this time - that she will try to handle this guy on her own. I’m trying to convince her that seeking help isn’t a weakness. Anyone feel free to comment here...I’ll print them and give them to her as something to consider. Thanks.
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as much as you would like to knock sense into someone...it's up to them. All you can do is state how you feel and offer help. If you actually see him abuse her...call the police. But it really is up to her. Hopefully she will snap to it and do something for herself and the kids.
If she is trying to leave, but she lets him come around...then maybe she's not ready to do anything. She needs a restraining order and she needs to call the cops when he violates it. |
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I was in a very abusive marriage for 13 years. I seperated from him after the first 2 years, but got back together .....things didnt change 8 years later (06) i divorced him for good.
She needs to get help from the ploice and stick with it and be strong. My x even after our divorce kept up his harrassing and that was with a pfa(which i still have on him) Only recently did he start leaving me alone. It may be a long tough road for he but she needs to stand tall and show him she will not take it anymore and take the proper measures. Not only for her safety but the safety of her children. After my x got arrested and had to go to many court appearences and pay large fines, did he come to his senses and back off. If i can help in any way just let me know |
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By allowing this behavior to continue, she is teaching her children abuse is acceptable.
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It is never a weakness to stand up for your life as well as your kids. I've talked to several women over the last 3 years on this site that has dealt with spousal abuse. Some of those women dealt with it anywhere from 1 year to 13 years. The final straw for many of them was a near death experience.
Anyone that thinks the abuse will end with just them is wrong for sooner or later it will be focused upon the kids as well. She needs to stand up report him change her locks have restraints put against him to keep him away from her completely. Don't wait till it comes down to him killer her and harming the kids. She needs to do what she can and follow through with it. Stay with ever whom she can till he calms down or in jail and learns she means business. I would make sure that his visitation rights are monitored which she can ask for due to his abuse and he may flee with the kids the courts will grant that without any problems and request he takes anger management classes ect..... No matter how he tries to sweet talk her she does not need to bend at all once she throws it all in motion she needs to stick to her guns. I have never dealt with spousal abuse but I promise you ever women will tell most that she is the one that has to step up to the plate and stand her place no one can make her carry through with it they can only be there if she finally comes to the point that she realizes she needs help and wants away from him........... but sooner or later it will only get worse and worse and at times fatal..........I wish her the best and hope that she does move forward and get away from him....love should never hurt you if it does it is not love at all..... she needs to be there for her kids and will not be there if she don't get away from him soon...... |
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Ask her if false pride and doing it her way is worth leaving her children to be raised by her abusive Ex and the next girlfriend or series of girlfriends or a State appointed Foster home when he beats her sensless or possibly kills her in front of her kids and ends up in prison? He can and will intimidate who ever she is living with the same way he did her if she doesn't go to a safe house now. I have worked 35 plus years around this issue and I can guarantee her that this situation is going to get worse before it gets better.
You are justified in being afraid of this situation. If she is going to be a hard head you are better off to wash your hands of it and keep yourself out of the cross fire. |
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Sadly...a man like that has serious problems...alcohol is more than likely involved. People whom are abusive slowly tend to escalate in their behaviors- getting more abusive physically and verbally.
Now that she is taking a stand- he is going to show more of himself because bullies/cowards cannot take being turned down or stood up to. A restraining order is needed immediately. Here in Nevada- there is a place called 'Safe Nest'. Women and children go there to get out of their abusive relationship and away from such people. The program places women in residences and gives career couseling, therapy and job placement if available. It's address is unknown so the men cannot show up and start trouble. She needs to get into a program of some sort quickly. Unfortunately, she may have to move to get away from him, even out of state. I lived in Gainesville and St Pete, the good ol' boy mentally is rampant there including the police. I was in the sit only 1x in my life and when the police arrived...they wanted to arrest me also because I had scratched him under his eye and altho beaten up pretty badly because I was trying to get away from him. They knew him from being from there and I was a ex NYer also...they didn't like my attitude, as him. MAYBE things have changed since then and G. is probally a place it has but she does need to get out of that situation before someone gets hurt seriously.. guys like that do not simply just walk away! I did and it was the only time a man hit me in my life. No One, and I mean no one! loves you if they beat you and they simply do not just say "I will never do it again' unless they really get into some serious anger management and behavior modification program like Rational-Emotive Therapy for one. And she should not be around while he is doing it. If he sincerely wants to be with his family- he will do all he can and then they could tenatively try it again- but she needs to take herself and children out of harms way asap. And if she cannot do it for herself..because she 'loves' him...she needs to think/put the children first, they will be messed up for years-may be permanently from seeing/receiving it themselves. A little therapy looks in order also for her for staying as long as she has...she may have grown up in that sort of family herself and needs to learn to tell herself "the buck stops here". |
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I know this woman who is divorcing her husband. She has three kids...6, 9 and 11. He’s a loser. Can’t hold a job. Hot head. Abuser...physically and mentally. She’s separated. But he’s always around. Doesn’t contribute anything in the way of money for her or kids. She works and is a good mother. She called the police on him last night. He showed up at her house...demanded to be fed. She asked him to leave after he berated the kids. He apparently threw garbage all over the kitchen...choked her, and pushed her down, twice. His dog, a pit bull, got excited and bite her on the leg. He left his vehicle and went away on foot. She took her kids and went next door...another young woman who recently divorced is letting her stay there for safety. She has contacted an attorney today. And filed a report with the police. She has integrity, character...independent. But she is stubborn. A Brooklyn gal...and I’m afraid she is at risk from this guy. He has a long history of this kind of behavior...and this is the first time she has called the police. I’ve come to know men like him through my writing...he’s dangerous...and I’m afraid - even though she called the police this time - that she will try to handle this guy on her own. I’m trying to convince her that seeking help isn’t a weakness. Anyone feel free to comment here...I’ll print them and give them to her as something to consider. Thanks. I think it's time she took a stand to this guy and get an Order of Protection on him to where he has to stay away from her and the kids. The kids are getting the Shi**y end of the stick and they do not need to see their father hurting their mother. She needs to do something now before it is too late. Good Luck to her and her kids. |
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battered women have the so called "battered Wife syndrome"..they get caught in a cycle of violence..i think for us women,before we get caught in this cycle,we have to know how to stop it right from the very beginning.Dont let the battery happen to you twice..you have to set limits or else it will break your spirits and you wont have any energy to be free from it. Most victims feel helpless and dependent to the abuser,so I also recommend that women should empower themselves by having jobs of their own and maintain a support system.
The abuser needs professional help too.People who abuse others also have low self esttem,so they use violence to feel powerful and increase their self esteem. |
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Edited by
Llana
on
Sun 11/15/09 05:14 AM
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Sadly...a man like that has serious problems...alcohol is more than likely involved. People whom are abusive slowly tend to escalate in their behaviors- getting more abusive physically and verbally. Now that she is taking a stand- he is going to show more of himself because bullies/cowards cannot take being turned down or stood up to. A restraining order is needed immediately. Here in Nevada- there is a place called 'Safe Nest'. Women and children go there to get out of their abusive relationship and away from such people. The program places women in residences and gives career couseling, therapy and job placement if available. It's address is unknown so the men cannot show up and start trouble. She needs to get into a program of some sort quickly. Unfortunately, she may have to move to get away from him, even out of state. I lived in Gainesville and St Pete, the good ol' boy mentally is rampant there including the police. I was in the sit only 1x in my life and when the police arrived...they wanted to arrest me also because I had scratched him under his eye and altho beaten up pretty badly because I was trying to get away from him. They knew him from being from there and I was a ex NYer also...they didn't like my attitude, as him. MAYBE things have changed since then and G. is probally a place it has but she does need to get out of that situation before someone gets hurt seriously.. guys like that do not simply just walk away! I did and it was the only time a man hit me in my life. No One, and I mean no one! loves you if they beat you and they simply do not just say "I will never do it again' unless they really get into some serious anger management and behavior modification program like Rational-Emotive Therapy for one. And she should not be around while he is doing it. If he sincerely wants to be with his family- he will do all he can and then they could tenatively try it again- but she needs to take herself and children out of harms way asap. And if she cannot do it for herself..because she 'loves' him...she needs to think/put the children first, they will be messed up for years-may be permanently from seeing/receiving it themselves. A little therapy looks in order also for her for staying as long as she has...she may have grown up in that sort of family herself and needs to learn to tell herself "the buck stops here". This is very informative advice.I agree..Women should break the cycle of violence before it totally breaks them.And yes,the abusive behavior escalates as time goes by so don't just believe him if he says "I really love you.I will never do that again". These abusers need professional help...and alcoholism is a big contributing factor to violence.Most alcoholics are in denial.They dont accept that there's something wrong with them. |
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i'm not sure the laws are the same in the united states as they are in canada but i'm fairly certain that she can change the locks on the door if she's in fear for her safety, even if the house is in his name as well.
i'd do that, pronto (on the advice of the police and her lawyer of course). |
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Thanks, everyone, for advice that makes infinite sense...and is consistent with what I have said to her. I met this woman a year a half ago...one of 200 women I interviewed for the book on separation, divorce and property settlement. While not about abuse, per se, nearly 40% mentioned abuse in their marriages and relationships. I will share these thoughts were her today. Again, thanks so very much. She has the strength...and let's hope and pray she has the will...to take this critical step in her life and her children's lives. To each and every one of you...
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The first time he raised his hand to her, she should have left the AH.
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By allowing this behavior to continue, she is teaching her children abuse is acceptable. ...putting them at risk to either become abusers themselves. If you show these posts to her, I hope she realizes that she may not know him as well as she thinks she does...look at the news, it is full of women killed at the hands of an abusive male. |
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Edited by
Quietman_2009
on
Sun 11/15/09 08:49 AM
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his dog bit her?
felonious assault and the dog should be quarantined by the county animal services. of course it doesnt have rabies but she can still have it quarantined for having bit her and that'll pay him back a little bit and she should file the assault charges so they can handcuff him in the front yard with no shirt on like those yahoos you see on "Cops" all the time |
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Allow me to call Viny, Guido, Tony and the boys to "handle" this for her.
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By allowing this behavior to continue, she is teaching her children abuse is acceptable. They should have tried some marriage counselling for the sake of the kids before things got that ugly . When the marriage can no longer be repaired separation and divorce are the only options left to make any sense . As far as the kids are concerned they will be better off living with the mother in peace than with two parents in wars . There are too many divorces all over the world . I was reading a newspaper where the rate of divorce in France is 50% . |
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Since you said you were going to print this for her, this is for her to read.
First and foremost no matter how sorry and how many tears he sheds, he will not ever stop doing this to you. No matter how many times he tells you that "you made him do it", you are not deserving of this treatment, ever. No matter how many times he has told you that you will never find anyone else to want you, this is not true. Nor are any of the other things he has told you that make you feel bad. Your children are being taught how men and women are suppose to act together by watching you and him. In the process of getting away from him, you and your children are in grave danger. He should not know where you are or how to get to in contact with you. This can last for years. If he wants visitation make it supervised without you present. Abusers are volatile and manipulative so you cannot trust them at any level. You have to consider them the same as you would a stranger on the street that you know is capable of murder. That is the only way to almost insure you and your childrens safety. I know it sounds harsh but you just do not know what they are capable of doing when they cannot get things to go the way they want. Murder suicides happen with these men way too often. |
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You could always pray for her...
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