Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

"I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?" ~ Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

actually i will post this in my profile

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~ Dean Martin

Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must live." ~Charles Bukowski

"It's hard to give the Devil a fair trial when the other side wrote all the books."

Aaww good one :)

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

My favourite one on religion...

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike Christ. - Mahatma Gandhi

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

Be bold and mighty forces will come to you aid.

Basil King

"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Winston Churchill

“If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.”
John Wayne

Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: [Festus offers to buy Doc a beer with a silver dollar that he earned from shoeing horses in episode Whelan's Men.] Why don't you take that money and invest it in something? Why don't you do that?
Festus Haggen: Invest it in what?
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: There's wonderful land values outside of Dodge. Now why don't you go out there someplace, look around, and buy yourself a lot?
Festus Haggen: A lot of what?
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: A lot! A lot of land!
Festus Haggen: Well fiddle, I can't afford to buy a lot of land. You probably could the way you've been a bilking and gouging...
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Oh, hush up! I'm trying to help you, for heaven sakes. It don't cost a whole lot to buy a little lot.
Festus Haggen: What do you mean it don't cost a whole lot to buy a little, or a whole lot to buy a lot, what do you mean?
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Well, I mean,... a little lot of land!
Festus Haggen: But there ain't no such a thing. A little's a little, and a lot's a lot, there ain't no little lot, or lot of little, don't you see? Now you want that beer or don't you?
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: No I'm... I'm all worn out.
Festus Haggen: [and as Doc walks away Festus Hollers] If you change your mind me and Newly will be over at the Longbranch having a whole lot of little beers.
[Chuckles and flips his silver dollar]
Festus Haggen: Now I'm buying.


Gunsmoke 1955

"ah yes, a fence. the cripple's natural enemy."-peter griffin