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| Topic: Unproductive Thoughts | |
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I am glad to see a discussion brewing!
 I have one more homework assignment to complete... I'll be back later to check the thread!
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Okay... I know I know... I am usually the first person to say 'be happy with yourself first' and 'have your **** together' before having a relationship... etc etc But we all have some kind of baggage. We have all had hurt in the past. And emotional memories are one of the strongest memories to be imprinted in us and the most easiest to recall. So with that said... what happens? We met someone and it was fun and great and has potential, right? Then it starts.... The self-doubt, questioning and unproductive thoughts! Unproductive thoughts are those that usually stir up an emotional response and will lead to irrational thoughts. Unproductive thoughts: Does he/she like me as much as I like them? Will he/she break my heart? Will he/she leave me? Is he/she telling me the truth? Did he/she just use me (for sex/money/whatever)? Then this stirs up an emotional response... crying, withdrawl, depression, etc Then the irrational thoughts begin... Will I ever meet anyone that will love me? I am not good enough, why am I not good enough? I must have done something wrong! Why am I being ignored? So... why am I posting this? Partly because I have come to my own personal epithany and have come to terms with all this. 1. Love yourself. If you don't love yourself or are unhappy, you will not find this in another. (Which I have been saying for a long time!) 2. The only thing you can control/change/make are your own actions/behaviors/thoughts. You can't make someone care for you as much as you do them (and how could you really know that). You can't make someone 'love' you. 3. Knowing that part of it maybe you. If you are being overemotional and overthinking and having unproductive thoughts. Determine where that is coming from... something in your past and/or a pattern of behavior. Acknowledge it... and you just might be able to move forward. Having unproductive thoughts/irrational thoughts will just project a negative vibe/self-image. This will only further push people away from you. Recognize them and let them go! Then you will be able to live in the moment and enjoy yourself. Secondly, thank you to ArtGurl and Gossipmpm for providing some insight... it definately helped to have your prespective. As I was told by ArtGurl (paraphrased) put on your big girl panties and now that you can handle whatever happens. Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. |
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No...people did well enough making it up without an author's help. Maybe the trouble here is that I'm using the term "love" a little loosely. It's my feeling that when most people say love they really mean attraction. I agree that the kind of love we dream about having as children likely doesn't exist. The fairy tale, happily ever after kind. However, I think we can agree that attraction is a real emotion and happens all the time. It's this feeling that people are sometimes afraid to follow. And they must overcome this fear in order to "fall in love" and have a happy, healthy relationship. This is what I meant when I said "love isn't for sissies." Oh sure, attraction definitely exists...but attraction and love are two completly different things and one can very well exist without the other, and has been existing for many centuries. I personally think people place too much attachment on love, and in that it doesn't exist because you can't place something or someone ahead of yourself that isn't blood. Which is why I think love only exists between blood, family has love in most cases for each other...very few things come close and almost all of them pale in comparison. People are conditioned at a young age to believe in love, it starts in kindergarten with coloring a page with a family, white picket fence, and a dog. It only festers from there as the kids go on through school, which is exactly why so many people are "love lost". Because they were taught they could, so they figured they could, then reality bit them and they ultimately couldn't...like I said, for some people, for several differing reasons, love is simply not for them. I don't think it is fear in most cases, moreso reluctance...burned once you don't want to be burned again. |
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Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. To extent I understand what you are saying... I think my main conclusion of my personal realization is... I am the only person to make myself happy, however, if I trust another than I can share my happiness with them. With the understanding that everyone is their own person, this means that just because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean that this person will hurt you intentionally. Being happy with sharing yourself with another person forever long that time lasts is a gift to you and that person. However, if one so chooses to share their happiness/gifts with themself there is nothing wrong with that either... or by other means, volunteering, children, family or friends. |
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Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. To extent I understand what you are saying... I think my main conclusion of my personal realization is... I am the only person to make myself happy, however, if I trust another than I can share my happiness with them. With the understanding that everyone is their own person, this means that just because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean that this person will hurt you intentionally. Being happy with sharing yourself with another person forever long that time lasts is a gift to you and that person. However, if one so chooses to share their happiness/gifts with themself there is nothing wrong with that either... or by other means, volunteering, children, family or friends. I have one thing to say to that Bring back the curlers Tanya
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Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. To extent I understand what you are saying... I think my main conclusion of my personal realization is... I am the only person to make myself happy, however, if I trust another than I can share my happiness with them. With the understanding that everyone is their own person, this means that just because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean that this person will hurt you intentionally. Being happy with sharing yourself with another person forever long that time lasts is a gift to you and that person. However, if one so chooses to share their happiness/gifts with themself there is nothing wrong with that either... or by other means, volunteering, children, family or friends. I have one thing to say to that Bring back the curlers Tanya Go perv the profile... it's up on there! 
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Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. To extent I understand what you are saying... I think my main conclusion of my personal realization is... I am the only person to make myself happy, however, if I trust another than I can share my happiness with them. With the understanding that everyone is their own person, this means that just because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean that this person will hurt you intentionally. Being happy with sharing yourself with another person forever long that time lasts is a gift to you and that person. However, if one so chooses to share their happiness/gifts with themself there is nothing wrong with that either... or by other means, volunteering, children, family or friends. I have one thing to say to that Bring back the curlers Tanya Go perv the profile... it's up on there! |
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I know but its nice to see when it talks in forums shall I start a thread for bringing it back? its your finest moment that Oh good lord! If that's my finest moment, my life must totally suck now! 
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I know but its nice to see when it talks in forums shall I start a thread for bringing it back? its your finest moment that Oh good lord! If that's my finest moment, my life must totally suck now! I remember once you withdrew that picture there was uproar here but then you faded away for a while and that uproar died a death I am sure if you brought it out and posted a bit more often the history will repeat itself We want curlers What do we want? Curlers When do we want them . Right now.
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Tanya If there is one thing I learnt in this life it is to carry on regardless. There once was a song you can't please every one so just try to please yourself. It is working well for me though it may have left a few people disgruntled. To extent I understand what you are saying... I think my main conclusion of my personal realization is... I am the only person to make myself happy, however, if I trust another than I can share my happiness with them. With the understanding that everyone is their own person, this means that just because you have been hurt in the past doesn't mean that this person will hurt you intentionally. Being happy with sharing yourself with another person forever long that time lasts is a gift to you and that person. However, if one so chooses to share their happiness/gifts with themself there is nothing wrong with that either... or by other means, volunteering, children, family or friends. Sort of only I don't see a point in having another person, been there and it was fun until it ended...when something bad happens to me, I don't do it again. Jaded, sure, but at least I'm honest about it. |
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I tend to think in love relationships partners tend to live up to or down to our expectations quite often. If you think a certain behavior it has a way of making it true. Being in love and remaining in love takes reinvestment in your lover on and ongoing basis and that inclueds faith.
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I tend to think in love relationships partners tend to live up to or down to our expectations quite often. If you think a certain behavior it has a way of making it true. Being in love and remaining in love takes reinvestment in your lover on and ongoing basis and that inclueds faith. That's why I don't have any expectations, I simply go out and have fun. I'm not trying to impress anyone, take me as I am or not at all, I'm fine with who I am. |
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I tend to think in love relationships partners tend to live up to or down to our expectations quite often. If you think a certain behavior it has a way of making it true. Being in love and remaining in love takes reinvestment in your lover on and ongoing basis and that inclueds faith. That's why I don't have any expectations, I simply go out and have fun. I'm not trying to impress anyone, take me as I am or not at all, I'm fine with who I am. Less chance of disappointment that way. 
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"Having unproductive thoughts/irrational thoughts will just project a negative vibe/self-image. This will only further push people away from you. Recognize them and let them go! Then you will be able to live in the moment and enjoy yourself." Fantastic advise. That is exactly what happened in my last relationship. My own unproductive thoughts.... It is easier to say to recognize them and let them go, than it is to do. JMO I know it's not easy! Believe me. But the more you learn to recognize them, the easier it will be to talk yourself out of them, instead of feeding them. I am still having unproductive thoughts in regards to the new relationship that I am entering into, but I am not an emotional wreck! I am not trying to reflect them on him or seek his validation or reassurance for my 'insecurities' (as mentioned by another poster). Self-reflection, journaling, meditating and other behavior recognition activities could help with this. I never thought of "those" as ways to distract myself. I always worked out and that helped for an hour or so...But reality is, the thoughts came back. I do recognize them, I do see what I am doing, I just don't know how to "get past them". Thanks for this thread Tanya. Maybe I can learn something from it. (If I ever give dating a shot again) |
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"Having unproductive thoughts/irrational thoughts will just project a negative vibe/self-image. This will only further push people away from you. Recognize them and let them go! Then you will be able to live in the moment and enjoy yourself." Fantastic advise. That is exactly what happened in my last relationship. My own unproductive thoughts.... It is easier to say to recognize them and let them go, than it is to do. JMO I know it's not easy! Believe me. But the more you learn to recognize them, the easier it will be to talk yourself out of them, instead of feeding them. I am still having unproductive thoughts in regards to the new relationship that I am entering into, but I am not an emotional wreck! I am not trying to reflect them on him or seek his validation or reassurance for my 'insecurities' (as mentioned by another poster). Self-reflection, journaling, meditating and other behavior recognition activities could help with this. I never thought of "those" as ways to distract myself. I always worked out and that helped for an hour or so...But reality is, the thoughts came back. I do recognize them, I do see what I am doing, I just don't know how to "get past them". Thanks for this thread Tanya. Maybe I can learn something from it. (If I ever give dating a shot again) Working out is a good way to channel this and helps to relieve stress! One thing you have to realize is how your thoughts effect you. I can recognize when my thoughts/overthinking/questions are valid. Meaning should I ask that to the other person and would I get an answer. Am I just seeking some validation or assurance that I will not get, because there is no need for it. Also, does these thoughts provoke an emotional response or effect your mood? If that's the case, you have to acknowledge the thoughts and try to separate from the emotional response. Granted this is not easy. And people pay big bucks for cognitive-behavioral therapy for a licensed therapist to work with them on this. Writing down your thoughts makes them more concert. I write poems, but what ever means works for you. Look at them. Think about it, but in the sense of .... can this be truly answered? What lead me to think about this? the past? trauma? Self-reflection can be a powerful tool for change. And feel free to email me, if you want to talk more about this in detail. |
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nice post
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nice post Thank you. |
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I am happy with myself....but I find that the opposite sex brings out the worst in me at times. Self doubt, and other emotions. And I dont understand why Im like this....Im fine any other time.
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I am happy with myself....but I find that the opposite sex brings out the worst in me at times. Self doubt, and other emotions. And I dont understand why Im like this....Im fine any other time. Exactly! It's just that past impression of loss or hurt or trauma has left deep in our brain's storage! And emotions is one of the strongest things stored in our brains and the easiest to be recalled. |
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I am happy with myself....but I find that the opposite sex brings out the worst in me at times. Self doubt, and other emotions. And I dont understand why Im like this....Im fine any other time. It's called being a girl, I'm the same way. 
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