1. Bright-Eyed Novice:

You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)

2. Grand Old Wo/Man:

Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?

Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:

Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:

Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat

A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:

Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...

Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

7. Corporate Closet Witch:

"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

8. Childe Of Kaos:

Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.

Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

9. Scary Devil Worshipper:

Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.

Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

10. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:

Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

11. Faerie Queen:

Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...

Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!

12. High Episcopagan:

Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.

13. Fundamentapagan:

If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.

Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

24. Pentacles, Inc:

Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

How about a little of each?

Of course!

All I know is I'm not giving up meat for anything

My favorite is the "Fundamentapagan".

Oh, and the "Womyncentric Gynocrat".

I think I'm 7...with a bit of 8 and 5

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:

Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.


This is definetly me!

I was there until I had to give up all my fun stuff

I'm a Bright-Eyed Novice - where do I sign up?

I never did get the pronunciation of the athame correct I don't think.

I first learned it as "ath-a-may" and then was later corrected to pronounced it as "a-tham-mee" and then was later correct to pronounce that as "ath-a-may" again. To the best of my knowledge both of these pronunciations are used depending on who you talk too? I dunno? I use them both, whichever one comes out first wins in that particular sentence.

Now about the nice new shiny athames! You betcha! I got two of them! One for the Goddess which I call an "ath-a-may" and one for the God which I call an "a-tham-mee".

And then I went out and bought a sword! Don't ask why? I have no clue. It was pretty!

So anyway,...

Does anyone know where I can find a Faerie Queen that I can take into my dungeon to turn her into a Sexy Pagan Nymph?

Because you are the King of Swords.

tree hugging granola eating earth muppet... but i am a carnivore (love my steak)wiccan

Thank you SOOOO much for the giggle!!!!

OH NO! I am a pagan that doesn't fit in a category! What ever shal I do!

Add a new category.

I think the closest one would be Number Seven. The Corporate Closet Witch.

She doesn't fit! She doesn't fit!
The list of styles can't be legit
There must be more behind the door
that she can share with great rapport



Once inside she might provide
the secrets of her dreams
And share with us without a fuss
the nature of her themes



The categories never were!
It really doesn't matter!
Just spill your secrets on the floor
for this fanatical mad hatter

James, you are so talented!

There's no Heathens in that list! Where are all the (other) axe-wielding, rune-carving, mead-drinking Heathens?