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| Topic: My son | |
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... I know... you have a genus there, he will figure that out. You just need to be careful with your wording. |
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... Nasty stuff!!! Get over yourself, and your own emotions attached to his mother, before you open your mouth near your boy. He is intelligent? Yeah? So don't insult his intelligence. Allow him to find out himself, and come to his own conclusions as to why mum is not about... Mum may be fu* ked up right now, and not fit to parent...big deal...we've all been messes in our lives. My kids have not seen nor heard from their dad in 10 YEARS....and I still refuse to condemn him to my children....he is a flawed human, same as the rest of us... But she has dropped him off at my house on the porch when he was one and walked off a neighbor seen her do it called me at work,We seen her in a drive thru when he was a 2 he yelled mom she ducked down in the seat,He come home 8 months ago with a curling iron burn on his leg.Just sayin how long should i.Geez |
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I went through this with my 3 sons, they are adults now. It is a difficult situation, just "mommy doesn't care"..will only hurt him, more.
Super sensitive crystal! 
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I went through this with my 3 sons, they are adults now. It is a difficult situation, just "mommy doesn't care"..will only hurt him, more. Super sensitive crystal! 
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Ok i understand some points you have. But she has dropped him off at my house on the porch when he was one and walked off a neighbor seen her do it called me at work,We seen her in a drive thru when he was a 2 he yelled mom she ducked down in the seat,He come home 8 months ago with a curling iron burn on his leg.Just sayin how long should i.Geez It's tough.... you want to tear her to shreds!!! Shake her till her teeth rattle!!! Strip every ounce of skin from her body...sloooowly, painfully....I get it...I understand...been there myself. That's your stuff... you have to own it...and NOT inflict it on your kids... I have two daughters....and two sons...they were 2, 4 10 and 14 the last time they saw their dad 10 years ago... I was not prepared to create a distrust in what a man is, a father is, to two future men who may well be father's themselves one day...nor condemn my daughters to believing that men are going to abandon them, and find them unlovable. It's really tough....it's so painful to know someone can be so fu* ked up to not treasure and worship and completely idolise these incredible kids we have.. so it becomes our job to do both parent's quota. Please hear me....please think about it for a while, and please, get some objective counsel from someone you respect, and has amazing kids/young adults from a single parent family...as they have a better experiential knowledge they can share with you... |
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Ok i understand some points you have. But she has dropped him off at my house on the porch when he was one and walked off a neighbor seen her do it called me at work,We seen her in a drive thru when he was a 2 he yelled mom she ducked down in the seat,He come home 8 months ago with a curling iron burn on his leg.Just sayin how long should i.Geez It's tough.... you want to tear her to shreds!!! Shake her till her teeth rattle!!! Strip every ounce of skin from her body...sloooowly, painfully....I get it...I understand...been there myself. That's your stuff... you have to own it...and NOT inflict it on your kids... I have two daughters....and two sons...they were 2, 4 10 and 14 the last time they saw their dad 10 years ago... I was not prepared to create a distrust in what a man is, a father is, to two future men who may well be father's themselves one day...nor condemn my daughters to believing that men are going to abandon them, and find them unlovable. It's really tough....it's so painful to know someone can be so fu* ked up to not treasure and worship and completely idolise these incredible kids we have.. so it becomes our job to do both parent's quota. Please hear me....please think about it for a while, and please, get some objective counsel from someone you respect, and has amazing kids/young adults from a single parent family...as they have a better experiential knowledge they can share with you...
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Before he starts asking. I disagree... Wait until he asks...then answer with no emotional attachment... and without condemning the mother. By telling your boy his mother doesn't care...says she doesn't care for him, he is not important, he is not of value. No sane parent would harm their child like that. When he asks...answer the truth as you know it....his mum was struggling at the time, with her own issues, and felt he was better off with one healthy parent...(you) than a crazy one. It costs you nothing to relieve the child of nastiness towards his mother...and you seriously cannot say what her deep down feelings were. Condemn the parent, you condemn the child. I so agree with this one should never try to turn their kids against the other parent regardless of the situation. I raised my kids pretty much by myself their Dad was around but not really within their lives like he should have been. But never would I have ever tried to turn them against him at all. Time alone will let them make their own decisions of the other parent. I always made a point to tell my kids that their Dad loved them in his own way he just had a problem showing to them like he should. I'm totally against parents using their kids like pawns and putting all the blame on the other to make them look better. All that does is hurt the kid in the long run why would anyone want to hurt their kids mentally?............JMO |
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My advice would be not to say anything bad about his mom. When he's old enough he will find out for himself. Or if he gets older & starts asking questions, then try to explain some things. But don't get graphic or really badmouth his mom. I know it's tempting, but it won't help. I did this with my oldest daughter (well, all my kids really), I didn't say anything bad about their dad in front of them while they were young. When they got older & started finding out how things were, then they came to me and I told them how things were. Neither of my kids will go to their dad for anything. It's me that they always come to because they know they can't rely on him for anything. And I didn't have to be the bad guy in them finding out how things were. Just raise your little boy right and things will work out fine. He is very handsome.
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... This is not a question that will go away until his Mother answers it if it is ever answered. As he gets older you can tell him that he will have a better idea when he is older. Now you need to set your anger aside and put on your parents pants. You may believe she does not care from the depths of your soul but you will only hurt your child to say what he should never be made to believe. A child finds his identity from both parents and to make one less is only damageing their self image. You can say something positive about his Mother if only to say she is wonderful for giving the world the gift of him. It is not your job to explain the mother's absence unless your child asks specificlly. If he does it is probably best to be honest and say the truth. Since you can not read her mind my personal favorite is "When she thinks she needs to be here and she can come she will." because it gives a child hope and a sense that she is accepting the situation. If she has told you an explanation repeat it without editorializeing your anger. It is not your kid's job to make you feel better. It is not your child's job to be good or bad enough to bring the absent parent back into their life. If you do not know it is quite ok to say that and shut up. A reassureing hug and a transition to another activity when they seem ready, which often will be much faster than it seems, is the best answer. If the child insists with the insistent "why" that most kids do then ask him what he thinks? Sometimes it is an attempt to get information; other's attention, sometimes reassurance. Children can have fun happy imaginations. That is ok with in reason. Later it is wiser to tell them something reasonable like they are working or doing the normal things people do. Suggesting that she is doing some of the same things is comforting. Suggesting that someone they love is well and comfortable and doing what they need to be doing is always more acceptable than saying something you may think is more true. Suggesting that they miss, or should miss, their child as much as the child misses them is NOT comforting for the child. No child wants to feel their parent is suffering. When they are suffering they need the parent that is there to make them feel they are not alone. |
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Never!! No matter how unfit the other parent is, you should never say anything bad about them. The child will figure things out. Never lie to the child.. just answer questions honestly without bad mouthing.
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... This is not a question that will go away until his Mother answers it if it is ever answered. As he gets older you can tell him that he will have a better idea when he is older. Now you need to set your anger aside and put on your parents pants. You may believe she does not care from the depths of your soul but you will only hurt your child to say what he should never be made to believe. A child finds his identity from both parents and to make one less is only damageing their self image. You can say something positive about his Mother if only to say she is wonderful for giving the world the gift of him. It is not your job to explain the mother's absence unless your child asks specificlly. If he does it is probably best to be honest and say the truth. Since you can not read her mind my personal favorite is "When she thinks she needs to be here and she can come she will." because it gives a child hope and a sense that she is accepting the situation. If she has told you an explanation repeat it without editorializeing your anger. It is not your kid's job to make you feel better. It is not your child's job to be good or bad enough to bring the absent parent back into their life. If you do not know it is quite ok to say that and shut up. A reassureing hug and a transition to another activity when they seem ready, which often will be much faster than it seems, is the best answer. If the child insists with the insistent "why" that most kids do then ask him what he thinks? Sometimes it is an attempt to get information; other's attention, sometimes reassurance. Children can have fun happy imaginations. That is ok with in reason. Later it is wiser to tell them something reasonable like they are working or doing the normal things people do. Suggesting that she is doing some of the same things is comforting. Suggesting that someone they love is well and comfortable and doing what they need to be doing is always more acceptable than saying something you may think is more true. Suggesting that they miss, or should miss, their child as much as the child misses them is NOT comforting for the child. No child wants to feel their parent is suffering. When they are suffering they need the parent that is there to make them feel they are not alone. I dont bash her or when talking to him about her.It was just a question and got great responses so thank you all
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Before he starts asking. I disagree... Wait until he asks...then answer with no emotional attachment... and without condemning the mother. By telling your boy his mother doesn't care...says she doesn't care for him, he is not important, he is not of value. No sane parent would harm their child like that. When he asks...answer the truth as you know it....his mum was struggling at the time, with her own issues, and felt he was better off with one healthy parent...(you) than a crazy one. It costs you nothing to relieve the child of nastiness towards his mother...and you seriously cannot say what her deep down feelings were. Condemn the parent, you condemn the child. You can do all that before he asks...just saying, if the child has to ask he will think you have been hiding for all those years... |
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Before he starts asking. I disagree... Wait until he asks...then answer with no emotional attachment... and without condemning the mother. By telling your boy his mother doesn't care...says she doesn't care for him, he is not important, he is not of value. No sane parent would harm their child like that. When he asks...answer the truth as you know it....his mum was struggling at the time, with her own issues, and felt he was better off with one healthy parent...(you) than a crazy one. It costs you nothing to relieve the child of nastiness towards his mother...and you seriously cannot say what her deep down feelings were. Condemn the parent, you condemn the child. You can do all that before he asks...just saying, if the child has to ask he will think you have been hiding for all those years... 
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... exactly you have no way of knowing what is going on in any ones mind best way to handle it when the son brings it up is to say i can not know what your mom feels you will have to ask her and i have no control over what your mom does so i have no way of knowing and leave it at that you be negative it will come back to bite you big time let her do it to her self but hey what do i know |
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Is gonna be four in september.His mother hasn't seen him since the day i got shared parenting 3 months or so(i try not too remember these things Seeing her i mean) when do you think would be a good age to let him know mom really just don't care.By the way he is a very very intelligent three year old Maybe tell him (when necessary) that his mom loves him in her own special way. She shows it differently then Daddy does. |
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing..
But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" 
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" 'Most' women who trash men to their children, aren't posting in this thread... The 'generalities' are not prevalent in this thread...your observations aren't relevant to this thread. 
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Edited by
Moblodite
on
Mon 08/17/09 11:32 PM
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" 'Most' women who trash men to their children, aren't posting in this thread... The 'generalities' are not prevalent in this thread...your observations aren't relevant to this thread. "Most" is not a generalization , just a well learned lesson. so frankly..I couldn't care less if you like it or not. I am entitled to an opinion just as much as you are!! Also do not care what you think is relevant or not.. I was not talking to you. So save your attitude for someone that wants it please. Furthermore.. I raised my son alone from 11 on, I never spoke bad of his Mom, even though she never came to see him, paid none of the ordered support and once sent him a nintendo for Christmas.. but only with a note saying " I no longer need this because I got a new one, so figured you could use it" I didn't need to bad talk her.. she did perfectly well of that herself. |
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I would also remind you to be very cautious of what you say about his mom to other people while talking on the telephone or in another room, anywhere where he can hear you, because he will be listening and taking it all in. It is very important that you protect him from your bad feelings. He is just a little guy and needs protection still. He will develop his own feelings and you will have to answer his questions as he is able to understand, but as they said, just be generic in your answers, don't put her down. That will only hurt your son.
It is a really hard situation to be in. Good luck. |
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" I know a "lot" of women bash their ex's to their kids, but not all, sorry that happened to you. I raised our daughter since she was 5 by myself, and without the luxury of child support as he didn't want to pay, so I had the "luxury" of working 2-3 jobs for years to keep a roof over our head. I never ever bashed him to her, never stood in the way of his visition, other than I put strict limitations on it, in that it had to be in my home with me present and he could not take her in a car or overnight -- he was a violent alcoholic and drove drunk all the time, (his whole family were drunks, so couldn't be trusted for visitation either) and the court even agreed to this, heck they had his driving record to look at and signed off on the visitation. He visited maybe 3-4 times from the time she was 5 and when she turned 18. She grew up and made her own judgments about him from his years of lies and broken promises, I didn't say anything against him. He dug his own grave with his actions. |
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