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| Topic: My son | |
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Is gonna be four in september.His mother hasn't seen him since the day i got shared parenting 3 months or so(i try not too remember these things Seeing her i mean) when do you think would be a good age to let him know mom really just don't care.By the way he is a very very intelligent three year old Don't really have the answer but my daughter was 4years old when I stoped drinking. She is now 36 and can remember stuff I did that I can't remember. We can laugh about it now but i think they figure that kind of thing out on there own. Maybe with a little help from Dad. On the other hand. I changed in a drastic way. Maybe down the road the mother will. Food for thought maybe? |
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!"  'Most' women who trash men to their children, aren't posting in this thread... The 'generalities' are not prevalent in this thread...your observations aren't relevant to this thread.  "Most" is not a generalization , just a well learned lesson. so frankly..I couldn't care less if you like it or not. I am entitled to an opinion just as much as you are!! Also do not care what you think is relevant or not.. I was not talking to you. So save your attitude for someone that wants it please. Furthermore.. I raised my son alone from 11 on, I never spoke bad of his Mom, even though she never came to see him, paid none of the ordered support and once sent him a nintendo for Christmas.. but only with a note saying " I no longer need this because I got a new one, so figured you could use it" I didn't need to bad talk her.. she did perfectly well of that herself. |
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" 'Most' women who trash men to their children, aren't posting in this thread... The 'generalities' are not prevalent in this thread...your observations aren't relevant to this thread. "Most" is not a generalization , just a well learned lesson. so frankly..I couldn't care less if you like it or not. I am entitled to an opinion just as much as you are!! Also do not care what you think is relevant or not.. I was not talking to you. So save your attitude for someone that wants it please. Furthermore.. I raised my son alone from 11 on, I never spoke bad of his Mom, even though she never came to see him, paid none of the ordered support and once sent him a nintendo for Christmas.. but only with a note saying " I no longer need this because I got a new one, so figured you could use it" I didn't need to bad talk her.. she did perfectly well of that herself. Get real, I was the one attacked and defended myself, I have no reason to be brow beaten. Sure some people are mature enough and level headed enough to not bash the other parent to the children. But reality is.. Most are NOT. Sadly.. most only care about what they feel and want and don't think for a minute how the children feel and think. As if there has to be blame or one parent better than the other. |
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no matter how intelligent your child is, you would be making a huge mistake to tell him anything bad about his mother. children tend to be the product of how they were raised. you are the only person who can shape your child into what he will become...
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(((A))) you have gotten some really good advice here.....I agree that you should wait until he asks you and then you will find the right words without bashing his mother. Children can be resilient but then they can also hold grudges. Don't sugar coat it, tell him the truth. You may think that he won't be able to handle the truth but in the long run you want your son to be an honest, well rounded, responsible adult some day and this is a stepping stone that you will have to cross....but not until he is ready and when he is ready he will ask you.
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Don't use the child as a weapon against the mother. He will figure it out sooner or later by himself, and when he does make sure he understands what he has learned. That is exactly what I did with my son. He now talks to his Father but has more respect for me because I didn't talk negative about his Father. They do figure things out on their own and make their own choices. |
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Don't use the child as a weapon against the mother. He will figure it out sooner or later by himself, and when he does make sure he understands what he has learned. That is exactly what I did with my son. He now talks to his Father but has more respect for me because I didn't talk negative about his Father. They do figure things out on their own and make their own choices. Good for you for taking the step to be the bigger person and teaching you child the right way to treat and respect people 
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... exactly you have no way of knowing what is going on in any ones mind best way to handle it when the son brings it up is to say i can not know what your mom feels you will have to ask her and i have no control over what your mom does so i have no way of knowing and leave it at that you be negative it will come back to bite you big time let her do it to her self but hey what do i know (((A))) you have gotten some really good advice here.....I agree that you should wait until he asks you and then you will find the right words without bashing his mother. Children can be resilient but then they can also hold grudges. Don't sugar coat it, tell him the truth. You may think that he won't be able to handle the truth but in the long run you want your son to be an honest, well rounded, responsible adult some day and this is a stepping stone that you will have to cross....but not until he is ready and when he is ready he will ask you. thank you ma'am if i am correct in assuming you were talking to me ((a)) |
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Thank you PLK...I just learned the hard way, my Mother was very negative about my Father since he and I were closer than she and I.
It made my Mother and I not be close and I WAS NOT going to do that with my son. |
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... exactly you have no way of knowing what is going on in any ones mind best way to handle it when the son brings it up is to say i can not know what your mom feels you will have to ask her and i have no control over what your mom does so i have no way of knowing and leave it at that you be negative it will come back to bite you big time let her do it to her self but hey what do i know (((A))) you have gotten some really good advice here.....I agree that you should wait until he asks you and then you will find the right words without bashing his mother. Children can be resilient but then they can also hold grudges. Don't sugar coat it, tell him the truth. You may think that he won't be able to handle the truth but in the long run you want your son to be an honest, well rounded, responsible adult some day and this is a stepping stone that you will have to cross....but not until he is ready and when he is ready he will ask you. thank you ma'am if i am correct in assuming you were talking to me ((a)) actually I was talking to wannacuddlewithme |
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Edited by
adj4u
on
Tue 08/18/09 01:17 PM
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You should never tell him she doesn't care... exactly you have no way of knowing what is going on in any ones mind best way to handle it when the son brings it up is to say i can not know what your mom feels you will have to ask her and i have no control over what your mom does so i have no way of knowing and leave it at that you be negative it will come back to bite you big time let her do it to her self but hey what do i know (((A))) you have gotten some really good advice here.....I agree that you should wait until he asks you and then you will find the right words without bashing his mother. Children can be resilient but then they can also hold grudges. Don't sugar coat it, tell him the truth. You may think that he won't be able to handle the truth but in the long run you want your son to be an honest, well rounded, responsible adult some day and this is a stepping stone that you will have to cross....but not until he is ready and when he is ready he will ask you. thank you ma'am if i am correct in assuming you were talking to me ((a)) actually I was talking to wannacuddlewithme   typo i meant my post my bad 
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[quote
I know how you hate to type so much I dont bash her or when talking to him about her.It was just a question and got great responses so thank you all Please don't think I think you are bashing her all the time to the little one because I don't. But having been down this road; first the child and later the parent and many times the counselor. I am a realist about the tremendous pain everyone goes through. How words and feelings can slip out. I remember many times having to walk down to the lake and just sob rather than tell people the pain I felt as a kid and then watching my own go through it. It's not fair. Sucks so much. Only grace is hoping that by telling people what I believe to be the truth they may be spared some of the pain. I only wish some of you younger ones will go to the kids and tell them your truths. So much of the other influences really give a onesided story. Don't worry about me typing. Keeps me off the streets. ROFLMFBO! |
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[quote I dont bash her or when talking to him about her.It was just a question and got great responses so thank you all Please don't think I think you are bashing her all the time to the little one because I don't. But having been down this road; first the child and later the parent and many times the counselor. I am a realist about the tremendous pain everyone goes through. How words and feelings can slip out. I remember many times having to walk down to the lake and just sob rather than tell people the pain I felt as a kid and then watching my own go through it. It's not fair. Sucks so much. Only grace is hoping that by telling people what I believe to be the truth they may be spared some of the pain. I only wish some of you younger ones will go to the kids and tell them your truths. So much of the other influences really give a onesided story. Don't worry about me typing. Keeps me off the streets. ROFLMFBO!
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I agree with most above, Much better to say nothing.. But it is also very strange that almost all.. if not all, of the women tell you to say nothing, when as most Men know.. most of the Women Trash us men to our kids after a separation. I remember distinctly, My son telling me.." You aren't anything like Mom said!" 'Most' women who trash men to their children, aren't posting in this thread... The 'generalities' are not prevalent in this thread...your observations aren't relevant to this thread. "Most" is not a generalization , just a well learned lesson. so frankly..I couldn't care less if you like it or not. I am entitled to an opinion just as much as you are!! Also do not care what you think is relevant or not.. I was not talking to you. So save your attitude for someone that wants it please. Furthermore.. I raised my son alone from 11 on, I never spoke bad of his Mom, even though she never came to see him, paid none of the ordered support and once sent him a nintendo for Christmas.. but only with a note saying " I no longer need this because I got a new one, so figured you could use it" I didn't need to bad talk her.. she did perfectly well of that herself. And that is what we are trying to tell him. Condemn the absent parent, condemn the child... I never put daddy down to my sons.. they grew up and knew the score. |
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I am a single mom, my son is 5 and he knows what a "daddy" is and he has not questioned at all where his dad is. You know why? Because he gets all the love in the world he needs. But I am expecting him one day to ask when he is older of course. I will not say a word till that day comes. Because he will understand and he will see and he will be able to determine that his dad don't want a thing to do with him.
Psychologically telling your child before they ask is going to hurt them, they will feel rejected and think it's their fault. In no way do you want that to happen. You are the parent, provide them with the love and show them that you are all they need. |
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Tell him as soon as possible, but don't bash his mommy. She may make an appearance in his life later on.
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Tell him as soon as possible, but don't bash his mommy. She may make an appearance in his life later on. |
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