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| Topic: Abusive Relationship | |
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Stay out of it!!
This is her marriage. Abuse victims must hit their own bottom The police can't do anything on heresay I always stay out of other marriages. No matter what! 
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I would get her out of there when you can and hide her somewhere and THEN go the the police, because if they cant prove it they cant hold him and then hes gonna be really PISSED if he almost got arrested over it, and the backlash will come back on her. Get HER safe first, THEN deal with him, but SHE is the concern.
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You can't do anything, she has to. I would provide her with information on abusers and abusive relationships if you can without putting her in danger and she will have the choice to read or disregard. She has to make the move. You have to wait and be available if she makes the move. He CAN do something because it was said to him by her husband. NOT considered heresay. I was in an abusive relationship. Wish more people would have stood up for me! It is also important to establish a pattern of behaviour...no? I am not in the US so making an assumption here No pattern is needed with the new stalking laws. If there is a threat of any kind it is punishable. |
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Here a few links... please go to these sites and pass the information onto your friend.
Support her to leave, but don't tell her to leave. Encourage her to make a police report, but don't demand. Provide her information to get a personal protection order, but don't pressure her into get it. http://www.domesticviolence.org/ http://www.ndvh.org/ http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm And just because you are unaware of physical violence, doesn't mean that it's not domestic violence. DV includes sexual, physical, emotional and economic abuse! |
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I would get her out of there when you can and hide her somewhere and THEN go the the police, because if they cant prove it they cant hold him and then hes gonna be really PISSED if he almost got arrested over it, and the backlash will come back on her. Get HER safe first, THEN deal with him, but SHE is the concern. This is great if she is not going to go back to him after. She has to be ready to leave for good first. |
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 There really isn't anything a person can do except let the situation play out
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Here a few links... please go to these sites and pass the information onto your friend. Support her to leave, but don't tell her to leave. Encourage her to make a police report, but don't demand. Provide her information to get a personal protection order, but don't pressure her into get it. http://www.domesticviolence.org/ http://www.ndvh.org/ http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm And just because you are unaware of physical violence, doesn't mean that it's not domestic violence. DV includes sexual, physical, emotional and economic abuse! Excellent post!!!! 
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You can't do anything, she has to. I would provide her with information on abusers and abusive relationships if you can without putting her in danger and she will have the choice to read or disregard. She has to make the move. You have to wait and be available if she makes the move. He CAN do something because it was said to him by her husband. NOT considered heresay. I was in an abusive relationship. Wish more people would have stood up for me! It is also important to establish a pattern of behaviour...no? I am not in the US so making an assumption here Yes, it helps to have a pattern of behavior established. In the State of Michigan, it is helpful to have at least 3 police reports or documentation of abuse to obtain a restraining order, but not necessary. Since her husband directly told him that he would kill her if she left, he can make a police report. It doesn't mean that they will take action, but it is documented. Also, if he witnesses him 'fighting' or 'arguing' with him or hears him directly threaten her life the police can be called and a report made. |
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Here a few links... please go to these sites and pass the information onto your friend. Support her to leave, but don't tell her to leave. Encourage her to make a police report, but don't demand. Provide her information to get a personal protection order, but don't pressure her into get it. http://www.domesticviolence.org/ http://www.ndvh.org/ http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm And just because you are unaware of physical violence, doesn't mean that it's not domestic violence. DV includes sexual, physical, emotional and economic abuse! Excellent post!!!! Agreed |
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Sad part about it all unless she is willing to leave and get out of the situation no matter what someone says to the police if in fact she does not back up your story who are they going to believe. In the end he will turn against you then you will not be there to help her out. Myself I say talk to her first give her the option to get out and help her get out. She will have to want to follow through and get out of where she is. I have never been in that type of situation but have talked to many that have and even after they did get out they all basically told me the same thing. No matter who tried to tell them to get out it did not happen till they realized they had too. Depending on the training of the officers, they will most likely believe him making the report. There just isn't much they can do, but take down the information. |
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Man, I am so glad so many folks are posting on this. I know that she was gearing up once before to leave him. He told me that she was making plans to leave and he found out through her myspace page. I am not really sure how that was handled though because I hadn't talked to them for a couple of years. I know that she had gotten a job to help out with the bills because he wouldn't work. He was livid and hounded her everyday until she quit. She's only 24 and has been with him since she was 16. She never finished highschool and has been virtualy locked up by this guy. He has people follow her and he blows up at her for no reason at all. He's also a preacher and this makes it a lot worse for her because he monitor's what kind of music she listens to and what kinds of clothes she wears. If she misses church she gets a real good tongue lashing.
I am 99.9% sure that she wants out still but is too scared to do anything. I am not real sure how to approach her to talk to her about this because she is monitored 24/7. My best friend lives next door to them and he's seen this jerk outside screaming and yelling at her plenty of times. To you guys, what seems to be the signs that someone is quietly calling out for help. Since I'm not 100% I really don't want to seem like a jackass for talking to her about it. |
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Hi everyone. I figured I'd post this here and get some feedback because I know that there are a few people that have some sort of experience with this. I have a friend of mine that is in a very controling marriage. I am not sure if she is being physically abused or not but I do know that she has been emotionally abused because I've been seen it first hand. Her husband even went as far as to confide in me that he'd end up killing her if she tried to leave him especially if it were for someone else. So any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am not really sure what to do. SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT.............NOW!!!!!!!!!!! |
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You can't do anything, she has to. I would provide her with information on abusers and abusive relationships if you can without putting her in danger and she will have the choice to read or disregard. She has to make the move. You have to wait and be available if she makes the move. He CAN do something because it was said to him by her husband. NOT considered heresay. I was in an abusive relationship. Wish more people would have stood up for me! It is also important to establish a pattern of behaviour...no? I am not in the US so making an assumption here No pattern is needed with the new stalking laws. If there is a threat of any kind it is punishable. Domestic violence and stalking laws are different. If she is within the relationship, then stalking laws may not apply. |
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Sad part about it all unless she is willing to leave and get out of the situation no matter what someone says to the police if in fact she does not back up your story who are they going to believe. In the end he will turn against you then you will not be there to help her out. Myself I say talk to her first give her the option to get out and help her get out. She will have to want to follow through and get out of where she is. I have never been in that type of situation but have talked to many that have and even after they did get out they all basically told me the same thing. No matter who tried to tell them to get out it did not happen till they realized they had too. Depending on the training of the officers, they will most likely believe him making the report. There just isn't much they can do, but take down the information. That is what I was saying. That way if he ever does get violent then there is something on record of the threat. |
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Edited by
John1932
on
Thu 08/06/09 01:34 PM
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Go straight to the police. I am serious! ditto ... on the police! Police wont do a thing unless this woman files a complaint, women who are being abused need to take the stand, so go to her, have her back, make her feel safe, then take her to the police... Basically, she has to get sick of it and decide she doesnt want it anymore. It all starts with her.. |
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It will probably take her several times to attempt to leave.
When she leaves that is the most dangerous time for a women to leave a domestic violence situation. On the website links that I provided, there should be information about making a safety plan. If not google 'safety plan domestic violence'. It might be something to take to her about and you can hold important information for her like copies of her documents (DL, Soc card, etc). |
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You can't do anything, she has to. I would provide her with information on abusers and abusive relationships if you can without putting her in danger and she will have the choice to read or disregard. She has to make the move. You have to wait and be available if she makes the move. He CAN do something because it was said to him by her husband. NOT considered heresay. I was in an abusive relationship. Wish more people would have stood up for me! It is also important to establish a pattern of behaviour...no? I am not in the US so making an assumption here No pattern is needed with the new stalking laws. If there is a threat of any kind it is punishable. Domestic violence and stalking laws are different. If she is within the relationship, then stalking laws may not apply. True. Here in Colorado the stalking laws apply across the board. |
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I live here in eastern Ky where this kind of stuff is common place. I know first hand that going to the cops here and making a claim like that isn't gonna get them to do anything because they face this stuff everyday. The courts are filled with this crap and they constantly do what they can to protect people but people end up getting back together so most law enforcement people just become annoyed with this sorta stuff.
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Go straight to the police. I am serious! ditto ... on the police! Police wont do a thing unless this woman files a complaint, women who are being abused need to take the stand, so go to her, have her back, make her feel safe, then take her to the police... In most states, the police are required to take a report/complaint. There needs to be documentation. However, it will be up to the women to take action and leave. But, it usually takes a while for a women to be able to leave that type of situation. |
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Man, I am so glad so many folks are posting on this. I know that she was gearing up once before to leave him. He told me that she was making plans to leave and he found out through her myspace page. I am not really sure how that was handled though because I hadn't talked to them for a couple of years. I know that she had gotten a job to help out with the bills because he wouldn't work. He was livid and hounded her everyday until she quit. She's only 24 and has been with him since she was 16. She never finished highschool and has been virtualy locked up by this guy. He has people follow her and he blows up at her for no reason at all. He's also a preacher and this makes it a lot worse for her because he monitor's what kind of music she listens to and what kinds of clothes she wears. If she misses church she gets a real good tongue lashing. I am 99.9% sure that she wants out still but is too scared to do anything. I am not real sure how to approach her to talk to her about this because she is monitored 24/7. My best friend lives next door to them and he's seen this jerk outside screaming and yelling at her plenty of times. To you guys, what seems to be the signs that someone is quietly calling out for help. Since I'm not 100% I really don't want to seem like a jackass for talking to her about it. She has to want out. You have to establish that first. She cannot be wishy washy about it, she cannot be uncertain about the fact she wants out. If she goes back to him he will be one hundred times worse than before and he will make damn sure she has no contact with anyone the next time. |
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