I do something "stupid"
or
I make a comment
I wish I would have kept behind my teeth.

The feelings this promotes:
A psychological mushroom cloud
like that of Nagasaki and Hiroshima
falls out billowing over my being
choking my self-esteem.

My thoughts
cut and whip into me.
Why this need to be so
excessively extreme?

I'm not looking for the blame game.
Pointing fingers at where I learned this
self talk from is NOT going to change it.

Me, myself, I
have the control
to cut that whip in pieces
before the lash falls.

Mental manipulation

Practice, practice, practice......

It feels fake, you're lying to yourself,
shush
I am not

Practice, practice,,,,,,,,,,
Walking became natural dammit why can't stopping this?



one day that wall's gonna knock me out for good

DKW, I read this, and read it again ( and again) each time I saw something I hadn't seen the previous time. This is very deep. I loved every line and verse.......... Over all, my favourite bit is the end where you state you will knock yourself out one of these days, Classic.

put down the self flagallation whip missy ... unless you like that sort of thing

Otherwise this whole flagellation thing feels like a throwback to Catholic guilt and you know how I feel about that (and I'm not even Catholic) ...


Awareness breeds change ... awareness, perception.

I always say 'inspire them to greatness ... don't beat them into submission" ... it applies to the self too ...


...although I have been known to use an atom bomb on myself from time to time


OK this is a do as I say not as I do moment



I agree with Bonny ... very layered write that had me coming back for more

Thanks Bonnie. I see this same pain in the eyes of abused and abusers,
cutters,
basically anybody that can't find that self-control on switch, most often I do wish it was available at a K-Mart Blue Light special, but then again if it was an easy lesson would it be so valuable to learn?

I really don't have the whip in hand at the moment, Art. Fusions mushroom write made me think of this and I wanted to talk to someone who I can't email, soooo I took this route.

so sorry ... I didn't see that

No, no, your comments always have great value for my thought processes don't be sorry. I think bottom line of what I'm trying to figure out is WHY is it so much easier to forgive someone else, but so HARD to forgive self?

Because deeeeeeeeep dooooooown ... no deeeeeeeeper ... we house completely unlovable monsters.

Of course when we shine light on them we see nothing more than the lovable Cookie Monster from Sesame Street but ...

Remember that image I told you about..that beautiful picture of you...you know..well, I hope to wear those boots as well as you someday, I can always dye my hair, add a few extensions..never will I be able to have those eyes that are the finishing touch to my soul..just write and let us digest..I love your heart..

Ahhh, Sadie Bell, thank you and back at'cha, babe! The memory of pulling that very sword on myself, poised to lop the heads of those four dragons who live within me, and right before I brought that sword down on the first one-------------the overwhelming grief this scenario brought. I figured out at that point, if I killed those dragons, I would also kill myself. But, ha-ha, if I could tame those dragons, encourage them to flame and flare up for good instead of meanness, Oh Holy Hannah, what great friends I would have.


Very nicely put, Art, just direct my feet
to sesame street..................................

For any who would prefer a tad more amusing view on this, here's the Looney Toons version.

You are Elmer Fudd. Oh yeah, see yourself dressed up with that flap earred hat, and the big boots, and the gun. Speak like Elmer Fudd, who cares if its not perfect, just wing it.

Shhhhh
Be vewy vewy qui-et
we'wa huntin' for that wasskally whip (or dwagons or wabbits or
whatev'ah). You feel that thought comin on. Ewwwwwww it's just around the co'nah (corner in English). THERE it is (switch to the voice of Yosemite Sam) BLAST it, blast that no good VARmit to smither-EENS cause it's a lyin' side WINDER!!!!!!

Now come up with a thought that is true, but much gentler.

and porky pig a-t-t-tha-thats all folks! Que the end of the Looney Toons music and let it go til next time!

cookies, I do well, and a mean pot of beans and corn bread..what ever comes with the beans..I think that is yours to own..

Thank you, I needed that!