in this thread, we post light hearted, funny messages to [insert holy figure here]

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dear god (or other popular religious figure),

please grant me powers akin to darth vader.

that would be sweet.

sincerely,

Jimmy


p.s. - Honk if you love cookies!

I'll be the first to admit....that's funny

Dear God,
Please let the force be with me when cookies are present!
You know what I need...
G

this isn't a prayer....but funny IMO

The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"

The stupid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"

The stupid guy replies, "Howard."

The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"

The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."


so I guess my prayer would be...
Dear Lord,
thank you for not sending that idiot to me

lol

This is a wonderful thread because frankly, MY God does have a sense of humor!

Touche'!

my grandmother is always telling me...Heaven doesn't want her and Hell's afraid she'll take over.
and I swear her house is the buckle of the Bible Belt lol

1. No offense, but that always cracks me up- I first saw that bumper sticker in the carpark at a Walmark and I said to myself, ooh, Hilter and Stalin and Pol Pot and conferencing with the Devil, cause they are scared Walmart, redneck Johnny is planning to take over hell.

2. Dear g-d, I guess I am okay, don't need anything special at the moment, how you doing?

3. What's this I hear about cookies?

G-d replies:

Well Rich, I'm not doing so hot. I started out all alone ya know. It was dark and void and there was no light. So I thought to myself, "I wish there were light", and there was light. And then I realized that anything I wish for will come true. So I wished for a perfect heaven filled with angels that all loved me and worshiped me. And it came to pass.

But then as time went on the angels took on a life of their own and my dream of heaven became a political nightmare. The angels wanted to do things that I didn't consider to be fun or nice. But they refused to play my way. And my perfect heaven was perfect no more. So I told the angels to go away and find their own place to play and that they weren't welcome in my heaven anymore.

But then I started to feel lonely again so I wished I had some lower creatures to play with. Maybe some people who would be happy playing my way and wouldn't be causing me so much grief so I created humans and gave them a planet to live on. But then those damn angels came back and corrupted them.

It really ticks me off that they can't just leave well enough alone. At first I got so frustrated that I just poured water on the whole project and basically gave up on it. But then angels came to me and told me that they had some guy build a boat and save a few people and all the animals and they apologized for screwing things up and promised not to mess with my project anymore.

So I tried to nurture the humans and I helped the planet recover so the humans could find food and survive. But the humans had been so traumatized by the event that they were unwilling to trust me anymore and they had become very superstitious and wrote a horrible book claiming that I told them to do all sorts of horrible things.

I knew I had to do something to straighten out the whole mess and I saw this young couple who were newlyweds so I asked if they would allow me to be born into the world as a human so I could straighten out the mess. They agreed so I became born as a human and I walked among the humans. I taught them how to behave properly but many of them were rude to me and didn't believe that I was the creator of reality. I tried to reason with them but they were totally unreasonable and they finally crucified me on a pole.

So now I'm back in my heaven with only a few spirits to talk to and most of them are Buddhists. All the rest of the humans just keep reincarnating over and over and over again. They seem to be having more fun on planet Earth than my angels ever had in my perfect heaven. Lucifer, my favorite angel, has tried to tell me that I should become a human and just go with the flow like everyone else. The Buddhists and Taoists are in agreement. But this really isn't what I had in mind when I started this dream. I just wanted everyone to bow down and worship me. I don't understand this idea of everyone wanting to be an individual in their own right. I thought I was the only person who counts?

The Buddhists are counseling me now and suggesting that it's probably because I never had any parents of my own and no real friends to play with. They're suggesting that I take a vacation to Tahiti and have a Martini and just mingle with the humans as an equal without trying to preach to them. Then maybe if I'm quiet and listen instead of preaching all the time I can learn something.

So that's what's happening with me. Thanks for asking! No too many people ask me how I'm doing anymore.

I can relate!



Poor slob...
Afflicted with the same pesky human traits as the rest of us.

dear christian god,

ever hung out with other significant religious figures?

- Jimmy

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Dear Jimmy,

yes, all the time!
ganesh is a bit of a bully. i'm afraid of him. fighting him
would be like fighting goro from mortal kombat.
(sweet game)
buddha's cool - a bit touchy about his weight.
there's a bunch of kami that hang around my yard sometimes,
i keep leaving food out for them - hoping one will become my pet.

on the other side of the tracks you have all the old gods / goddesses.
you know, the "mythology" ones. they're ok in small doses, but they
get really mad once you bring up the word 'mythology'. touchy peeps.

funny thing - people always say that me and allah could be twins. lol
seriously - in fact i'm gonna be covering for him while he goes out
with this wickedly hot valkyrie. (i'm jealous, allah gets all the babes)

anyway, i gotta go hide in a dumpster - i heard ganesh is looking to
to beat me up again.

later jimmy,

- christian god

Dear Jimmy,

Me and the gang got together and decided to invite you "up" for a game of kick-mortal.

You game?

oxoxox

God

bump for the ha ha

bumping for the funny
www.google.com

i loved that one lol

Dear Aphrodiety:

When are you gonna send some hot guy my way? Just wondering.

Rob

Abra, Must you always post things that are too long for my tired eyes and brain to read?