how do you move past everything to make things better for your children? Is it even possible when you have lost trust in one parent's ability to be a parent?

How can you be sure that a person has finally decided to do what it takes to be a parent?

Woah.... can you set up your query more clearly?

I don't want to say anything yet b/c I do not feel I understand the question.

By having their best intrest at heart first, always. Seeing to their needs , before your own.( I believe children are a great gift. Be kind, gentle, loving, and guide them to be good people .) & PLEASE, feed them good food. You would be surprised at some of the food; people feed, & serve their own children.

idk...a person must invest time and money to become a parent.

they also must be able to make rational decisons and be responsible.

i know..that doesnt sound like a lot....but i am always amazed.

I thought you said INVENT time and money, which is also true!

yepp....my kids think im a magical money lady..equipped with quarters and twenties for all their wants/needs...

and of course....I dont need sleep.

if i could invent time/money...i would be Queen mommy.

the father of my children, has done a number of things that lead not only, myself, my family and friends, but the state to question his ability as a parent

I cannot bring myself to believe that he is a horrible person..and I want my children to have a father, ideally their father, but not at the cost of their safety and welfare

however, I also do not want to push him out of their lives, because he has made extremely poor decisions in the past, some of them very very wrong, inexcusable


I guess I'm asking, if there is a way I could give their father a chance to prove he is ready willing and capable of being a good father, without jeopardizing the welfare of my children.

1. You just do.

2. You just know.

are they paying their share?


are they doing what they need to for the kids?


Are they putting the sins of the past behind them (we are talking the ex) and showing up for activities the kids may have like baseball or plays, etc.?


Are they even there for the kids in an emergency!?!?!?






There's the $64 dollar question...

first he needs to get a job and provide money.

three reasons...
1. kids are expensive
2. it shows his motivation if hes giving you what he can.
3. it also shows that his intentions are to be a father..and not that he wants to see the kids once in a blue moon...which would be unhealthy.

or sometimes you just take a chance..and weigh pros/cons

he has a job, that dictates he cannot always be there when/if he would like to be..so I can't make a judgment call on that

he pays only what is required of him..and he has to be reminded to do so

I do not know how long he will have this job however....or what his plans are if this job becomes obsolete


he has missed a good number of important events in the lives of his children, however..he did not always have a choice in this matter


but he doesn't call and ask about them, what they are doing how they are...etc. when he calls he wants to know what I'm doing


I'm beginning to think I am hoping in vain..and the last thing I want is for my children to grow up with a bunch of broken promises and disappointment in regards to their father or the be hurt by him through any other means.. I'd rather him just not be there at all if thats what is going to happen

You can set up a cell phone line just for the kids. You do not answer it, just the kids. Your life is NONE of his business.

You can set up regular visitation, supervised by a friend or relative, where he can see his kids.

You can set up child support through the courts or local government for your protection and his, and the financial stability of the kids.

You can stop making excuses for him. Not sure if you know you're doing it, but you are. Sorry to be so blunt.

I have lived thru this dilemma, and its been ongoing for a good few yrs now.

At points in my past, i embraced the help of a social worker, who used to help me in my dealings with my ex, she was like our mediator, she also kept him right on how his behavior affected the children. That helped a lot.

If ur children r in any immediate danger from their father, i wouldnt let them be with him, but i do feel that a child needs both parents if they r around, even if one is more incompetent than the other. In time, the kids will make up their own mind about him. Imo, when ppl try to shut out the other parent, or cut them out of the childrens lives, the children will only resent them for doing so.

We can only be responsible for our own parenting skills, and do the best we can, we r not responsible for the actions of the other parent, wat we can do, is seek help in the form of mediation, and remain positive in our outlook regarding a smooth running family life.

my oldest will be four in June..setting up a phone in their name would make little sense..besides it would never ring...

and I guess for the most part your right...they won't remember if enough time goes by anyway

Yeah, I guess four is a bit young for a phone! Sorry about that....

All you can do is give him the opportunity.

Wow... what a dilemma... and thats not even adding the additional issue of the step-family(s).

Have you thought about family counseling?

when they give the **** up trying to be a ANY idea, and just let the natural reponse of all be as embraced, with no pre-concieved ideas pumped in by all things ever seen and heard as forsaken, these things that once made only images of what is good, when in reality, all is well, when all is embraced as well, and true emotions can be spoken, and friendships created that go far beyond any idea of parent, as the child can now be free to see both the fraility and the strength, no longer just restrained actions to TRY TO CREATE A PICTURE IN THE MIND, twisting itself into all contorted poses to fit the profile???

but ideas are only as ignorance and how one feels it wants to react is all that lead to solving, and is what all that rack and rock the craddle of love, was intentionally for just this cause to be known, to bring to the infinite fork in the road, that give up the constant definitions of what is good, that rob any soul of passion and zezt, for any within and all around???

so the place of "NOT KNOWING" is the place of the wisdom of the honey of the GODDESS'S OF THE EARTH, as these first see that LOVE CANNOT CONTAIN A DEFINITION AT ALL, or it is a ghost, that only lead to hollow pathways of dark corridors, never knowing which door to open or close, so the wise mother deduct by feelings unrestrained and unfeigned, and fling open all the doors, and let the spirit of what self actually want, take the reigns of sight, and see not anything, so define nothing, so see everthing, which be the only path to solving, which only be creating what self know how, but cannot find till it trust itself, and know it's wants are good, just as the childs is good, and all is equal, and mutual repect of want the child then learn by simple cause and effect, of another giving back natrual environmental cosmos and galaxies induced natural emotions, perfectly once tuned to contend with all things unto peace and sure knowing.....

peace

There are decisions that you, as the full time parent have to make, but the children themselves will also form their own opinions. When I married a woman with 2 little girls (I had two of my own, so we raised 4 girls in a house with one bathroom) her ex-husband dissapeared for almost 2 years. When he came back, he wanted to see his daughters, but we were very leary of it, so we let him come by and spend time with them at our house. After a few visits he asked if he could take them out for ice cream. After he brought the girls back, one of the girls (she was 6)told us that he told her that HE was their daddy and she should call me Bill, not daddy. She said she told him that in that case she would call him Keith. She instictively knew what a "daddy" is, and he wasn't it. He was really p***ed off about it. I took him aside and told him that any guy with a working d**k can be a father, "Daddy" is a title that is earned.

She is now grown, with 2 kids of her own, I'm still "Daddy", he is still "Keith".