Need advise. My family is very disfunctional. My mother is a bipolar alcoholic who has started back drinking again apparently. Her behavior has changed back to being very manipulative and irratic since my grandmother died two months ago. My 11 year old son is currently at her home 4 hours away visiting for Christmas. I didn't realize that things had changed this much until last night. Although there have typicaly been problems during times when my son was visiting. I'm getting my son home ASAP so I'm not asking about that...

I'm in a pretty serious relationship right now. I moved away after my divorce to get away from the craziness of my family as much as to get away from my abusive exhusband. I'm still working though separating myself from my family and establishing healthy boundaries. I worry that the guy I'm with now and any other man on earth will not be able to deal with this stuff. He wouldn't allow this kind of stuff around his daughter and I don't blame him. It is part of my life though. I can't just completely cut myself off from them but I don't want to waste anymore of my life on their BS. I'm 32 years old now!

How do you find healthy boundaries with this kind of stuff and have a healthy relationship with someone you love?

Wow. I don't wish that on anyone. You may want to talk this over with a Pastor at church if you attend. Or if not maybe try speaking with a counselor about it. I wouldn't just take anyones advice on this kind of thing. You need to find out what is right for you, not what others THINK is right for you.

professional counseling .. nothing less

yep..counseling i'd highly suggest

Well, be honest with your spouse and tell him what your boundaries are. Ask him what his comfort level is with the situation...

Remember life is complicated, and we don't choose our families....

So many of us deal with or have dealt with the dysfunctional family dynamic thing. It's actually more the norm to come from dysfunction. If your mate is "healthy", he will know what is best for his own boundaries and in the interest of his child.
You are doing the right thing bringing your son back home and you are obviously finding ways somehow already on how to make your boundaries. It's a learning process and it is NEVER perfect, but a day-to-day process.
Of course, there are so many books and there's counseling and even videos on youtube to assist and see how protective tactics can be implemented into your life. So, press on. Sounds like you are on the right track!!
Merry Christmas!!!

I don't have health insurance. My ex switches jobs every time they start taking out child support and I'm barely making enough to pay the bills. I can't afford the insurance or to straight out pay for the session. My son is on Peachcare, the cheap state insurance in GA, and he has been seeing a doctor for the last year and a half to deal with his issues from all of this. The best I can do is to try to make sure he doesn't have to go through what I did and that he has professional help to deal with what he has been though so far.

I went last year for about 2 months through a program sponsered by my job and my doctor said I was remarkably well adjusted considering everything I have been though. I just feel so totally stuck right now, like there is no way to escape my past and have a future with this guy that I love.

Sure there is. Be honest with him and communicate.

There are no healthy boundaries with this kind of thing. And while my mother wasn't bipolar, she is a raging alcoholic. I tried the boundary thing...it didn't work. I tried counseling and that didn't work. So from my experience you need to run and not look back. It's not easy and of course there is guilt but it is better in the long run. You do not owe her just because she is your mother.

That's why I would reccomend talking with a pastor. They are open to talk to anyone, even if you're not part of their church. They have almost as much experience with this kind of stuff as a regular counselor does.

This is something I have considered and a big reason for why I moved 4 hours away. My son is close to her and my step-dad (both alcoholics) and I didn't do this before because of my grandmother. I love my Mom but sometimes I feel like it's best to just cut all ties. This will leave me totally alone which does scare me.

I can say was well that she doesn't respect my boundaries at all, especially when my son is there. I don't allow drinking around him or smoking because he is allergic to cig. smoke. She lies and says she isn't smoking in the house but she is and says she only had one drink but I know otherwise.

Ohhhhhh a Dr. Philism is creeping out....

Here it comes....

"Children would rather BE from a broken home than live in one". I think that is true of everyone, though.

It won't leave you totally alone, you have your son and your new love. My kids loved my mom too...until they got old enough where she started interfering in their lives. I explained it to my boys and cut the ties. It's been about 6 years now.

Your son does not need to be around two alcoholics for any reason. Aren't you afraid of what might happen? Not to mention that he will see how they live as "normal" and may decide to identify with their values. Is that want you want? It will just perpetuate the madness.

That's why I divorced my ex and moved away. I agree with that completely.

Yes, and YOU will always be your parent's child. Yes?

Most of my family never did nothing but hold me down so I cut them out of my life

not to worry ,90% of families are dysfunctional. and the other 10% think denial is a river in egypt.!!

Yesss??? I think I may have missed the point.

I am thier child but I wasn't taken care of as a child should have been. I had the caretaker role. I don't want either role with them anymore and they resist my attempts to move on from that.

My point is do for yourself what you did for your children. Protect YOU....

Ah, I see what you meant. I'm trying. My best start is not allowing my son to visit them anymore. She usually does this sort of thing when he's there. Otherwise I just hang up the phone.

On a positive note my guy was a nurse in the psych ward for a long time. He does know how to deal with this kind of thing. He shouldn't have to though and I'm afraid he won't want to if I am unable to cut myself off from them. I have been upfront with him since the beginning though.