I don't usually ask for advice, but this is something that has me
drained lately.

15 years ago I dated a girl. It became really serious and we were both
very young (18 at the time). For many years after the relationship had
ended and we went our seperate ways, I remained deeply in love with her.
Relationships after her were never quite as good. I was hung up.

A few years ago I searched her name to see how she was doing. I
discovered that she had married. I felt like a huge weight was lifted
from my shoulders, and I felt very happy for her. I then decided to
finally stop dwelling on this memory and move on.

Then, just weeks ago, she contacts me out of the blue. She's going
through a divorce right now (convient, right?) has a couple kids, and
still somewhat bitter about men.

Anyway, we started exchanging email, pictures, and have spent many hours
talking on the phone since. She keeps asking for us to meet again, and
even though she is not too far away, I'm reluctant to rush there. I want
to take things slow, and get to know her again. I don't want to make any
mistakes and do something I might regret. I'm very happy just talking to
her again. I have a very mentally draining job right now. Sometimes at
night, it's hard to explain why I want to wait. The subject just KEEPS
coming up.

Now it's got to the point that she thinks that I am making excuses
because I don't really want to see her, which is just not true.

My questions are:

Is she being too pushy or am I just too stubborn?
What is wrong with taking things slow and waiting?


I made her such a legend in my memories, and I know that people change.
It may be that I don't want to think any less of her.

My opion is that she may be being a little pushy right now but if she
truley wants to reconnect with you she will understand why you want to
take it slow.

<<Monier>>

First, you must understand that girls are different from guys when it
comes to feelings, we are way much emotional, wanted someone to give and
pay attention when we are in the hardest times. For sure it is not easy
for Her to deal with what she is having right now, you mentioned
divorce, and as to my own understanding you came to her life very
timely, a friend whom she could count on, who could help make things
better for her. And you two have memories to share so naturally she
would want to meet you again, for sure she missed you. Now if you want
to take it slow this time, let her know, well say it in a tactful way.


Oh my, I even missed my ex, it been a month that he haven't talked to
me, even if he said we can still be friends I know it is still not easy
to take it

Anyways, good luck to you. I know a lot of people here are willing to
give you their thoughts, these are just some pieces from me. Have a
great life!

Stop putting her off,,,see her,have a dinner,,,,and just a nice
short re-date again and see how or if she or you have changed in the
other's eyes,,,and if you think you two can click again,,,,you don't
have to sleep with her to see her,,,,
But you do need to come to grips in your mind with just WHAT your
wanting in LIFE or and,,,with her???
Good luck and best wishes for both of you...

She shouldn't be pushing too much until she gets her house in order.
gets thru her divorce, gets her kids settled in a stable inviroment.
she how their going to deal with all this change.
It's good for you to put meeting off until you really know what's up
in her world. she isn't the happy go lucky no baggage teen you knew now
she has her kids to think of & is it totally over with her & the EX. are
you just a rebound from him?
Is she stable on her feet & has some where to live & a way to support
herself & children or is she looking for a replacement daddy??
are you ready to jump into a pre made family?
why are they divorcing ?? has she started taking meds over all this?
alot of things change in 15yrs.
hopefully all for the good.

when the time is right for you then make plans to meet.
just explain how you feel & if she really cares for you she will give
you all the time you need & not push at all...
otherwise that is a red flag if she gets pushy about it...

Good Luck to you!!

Personally I think I would want to explain to her that she needs her own
house in order. I would probably give in to seeing her if I still had
feelings for her, however I would want her to know nothing could go any
further than that until things are settled with the X. I was involved
with someone who was going through a divorce and it was not a good
relationship. It is trying at best and quite painful a lot of the times.

G

I agree with Catch on this one, sounds like she is on the rebound and
pushing really hard. I would wait until she has her life in order and
things have calmed down. If the divorce is just in process, bringing you
in will only muck things up and may make it even uglier. She sounds
like she is lonely and desperate and reaching out of desperation, but
that is not the reason you want to be with her, not for long term. She
needs to get her divorce taken care of, her kids taken care of and then
she can think about moving on. She needs time to heal from the hurt of
the divorce or you may not have a chance for a long term relationship
with her as she will not be ready for long term when you get together.
Just my thoughts.

sometimes the personal challenges that drain us become the choices we
make...
If you want to free up time, you will.

It's easy to put the finger on another.

Just a though=0)

I personally feel both of you need to communicate on a stronger level
and discuss the feelings involved with the importance to her with
wanting to see you and then talk to her about why you are not ready.
I think you might be scared to see her as things might not be the same
and she might want to see you so soon as she might be on the rebound.
My current boyfriend has taught me not to allow fear to guide your life.
I say go see her and then make a decission on where it needs to go.

Take your time getting to know her again.....You were both so young when
you dated....People change over years, especially now that she has
children and was married. If she wants to reconnect with you, let it
happen.....But don't rush into anything. Take your time, ease into it.
After a couple of months, then think about seeing her face to face
again. If you both really cared about each other at one point in your
lives, it could definately happen again. True love never dies.......

Oooh ooh oooh!!! I know I know!!!

I'm so glad you posted this cuz I'm going through a VERY similar
situation!

Okay, here's mine:

Knew a guy in high school who had a crush on me and I had a crush on him
and even though there was some cutesy flirtation going on, we were both
too shy to let each other know that we liked each other that much.

After HS he went in the Army and I dated someone else and had a baby
..yada yada..

Meantime ...FF to 10 years later. We meet again via a mutual friend. We
date for maybe two, three months? I don't remember..but i know that he
liked me a lot and I liked him a lot too.

Well, he ended up dating someone else ...kind of out of sympathy for a
situation she was in.

So I started dating someone else, got married. Lost touch again.

He breaks up with her, marries someone else, divorces her, marries
someone else.

FF from last time we saw each other to present day.

25 years later!

He finds me via Internet (not looking for "me," it was just
happenstance.)

Says hey, get in touch..so I do.

He tells me he's not happy in his marriage, and that divorce has come up
about four times, to the point of moving out and whatever but things
blow over and next day is a new day ...only to start all the same
problems over again.

Okay, so he says he's not sure what he wants to do but says he cannot
see himself staying with her the rest of his life. Says he'd be too
miserable.

So, he says he can't make any promises but he wants to "see where things
go."

And want to make this perfectly clear: We both do NOT want and are NOT
going to have an affair.

Besides the fact that it's wrong, it's not what either one of us wants
and also could have some bad consequences if anyone ever found out.

He also has other issues that need resolving before he can move on,
which I won't detail here. But no biggie.

Anyway...

He's made no promises..and he's not being wishywashy at all. (Been there
before, not going there again) ...

But, from some of the things he's said, though, I get the definite
impression he does want me around when all of this blows over.

Because of the situation we never see each other and because of him
being incredibly busy at work, we rarely talk on the phone and, when we
do, it's only long enough to say how are you, how's your day? and that's
pretty much it.

My dilemma is that I think he was rather taken aback by my reaction to
him...I don't think he thought I'd be interested..or at least would let
him know that...so soon, and so now he's faced with rather it being a
"fantasy," it has become a potential "reality." And he's like ..."Whoa!
What to do now?" And I can't say I blame him. I'd be freaked, too.

But I AM interested! Very!!! I was totally smitten with this man 35/25
years ago and I don't see that anything's changed. If anything, he's
gotten more mature...we both have, in fact, and if ever a relationship
could work out for us, it would be now.

So I worry that ...uh oh..there I go wearing my heart on my sleeve
again...I'm gonna scare him if I say too much..if I don't say enough, he
might think I'm disinterested and forget about me.

And on the other hand I think, well, he's the one who showed initial
interest; doesn't he WANT me to be interested in him?

Then I think, does he even want to discuss this at all? How much is
enough discussion? How much is too much discussion? Why the hell am I
analyzing this so much? Well because, for me, important issues are
worthy of deep thought and introspection. Still drives me batty though.

He has said he doesn't want to make impetuous decisions, that he wants
to get all the issues behind him and then move slowly from there.

And that is PERFECTLY fine with me.

And one time...just ONCE, mind you...we kinda got into a little tiff
because he perceived something I said as, I guess, being a bit too
"pushy"...

So this is my answer to your question, OP..

I can't speak for your GF, but, in MY case, I'm not meaning to be pushy
whatsoever..I will wait for this man for a reasonable amount of time,
and I will see him on his terms until such time as he's comfortable to
move to something more serious. He has said that he wants to be
monagamous, but not necessarily live with anyone right now. And that's
fine with me, cuz I'm not looking to "land" him or anyone else, for that
matter.

I would be thrilled just to have the pleasure of his company again from
time to time and nothing else. It's HIM I am gaga over, not what he can
do for me, and not just so he can fill an empty spot in my life.

So anyway, my point is...he mistook my overexhuberant enthusiasm and
happiness for seeing him again after all these years as being somewhat
pushy..but that's just not the case. I'm not trying to make him do
something he doesn't want to do; I'm merely just very happy he's here
again!

So..from my perspective...I wonder whether or not he even thinks of me
during the day...and I wonder if women are the only ones who "worry"
about stuff like that..

Apparently not! Course, I realize that just cause you do doesn't mean he
does.

Geez...I hope the SOB is agonozing over this as much as I am.

(J/K; he's not really an SOB)





Anyway...give her a chance. It would help if you said something to let
her know..one way or the other...what you see potentially happening in
the not too far...

If you truly don't know, but just want to string her along in case
"something better" comes along...well, DON'T.

She pressing you because she wants some kind of reassurance or, in
absence of that, she wants you to tell her to move on...she wants YOU to
make the decision and not be ambiguous about it.

Best of luck to you...

S

Monier, it sounds like you have not been able to get the memory of the
love you had for her, out of your heart.

You're living on the memory of loving her and she is living on the
memory of you being a safe and comfortable place to run to when her
world is upside down right now.

If she's bitter, chances are, it's going to bleed into her next
relationship. Nothing wrong with you're thinking, take it slow, get to
know eachother again. Who know's, you may be worlds apart now, mature,
and the memory of her or what you had back then is not what is best for
you today. Either way, take care and don't rush.

After reading your post

Monier ....... Just GO and SEE her and TALK to her.

Do not ruin your brain with a thoughts ... Go!!!!!!!!!

Yes go today, the longer you wait, the harder it's gonna get and it'll
cause more problems, cause she's already accusing you of making escuses.
Good Luck!

Thank you all for all of the great advice, most of which echo my
friend's opinions.

Jeanc200358 wrote:

Well because, for me, important issues are
worthy of deep thought and introspection.

*I am the same way.



I think that I'll stick to what I'm good at, being a great friend. When
I'm ready, and I think that she is also (really), I'll go surprise her.
I'll have to use alot of restraint, because I do still care for her,
even as she is now. I owe a special girl that much respect as to not
rush in on a whim and make mistakes.


Thank you so much again