I just got home from dialysis and I'm kinda pissed off. Pissed off cause I have to go three times a week and have my blood removed from my body and run through a filter to stay alive. Pissed off cause I didn't deserve to get sick. I was busy and had sh*t to do. Sh*t that now will never get done

And I go outside and stand in the yard and look at the sky and scream, GOD PLEASE!!! DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS ANYMORE!!! and the tears burn on my face and the cold air burns my nostrils and it's quiet. No answer

so then I go inside and get ready for bed cause tomorrow I have to go do it again

But this makes me feel a little better



Vincent, by Don McLean


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dipFMJckZOM
Starry
starry night
paint your palette blue and grey

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills
sketch the trees and the daffodils

catch the breeze and the winter chills

in colors on the snowy linen land.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how

perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry
starry night
flaming flo'rs that brightly blaze

swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in
Vincent's eyes of China blue.
Colors changing hue
morning fields of amber grain

weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist's
loving hand.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you.

Starry
starry night
portraits hung in empty halls

frameless heads on nameless walls
with eyes
that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met

the ragged men in ragged clothes

the silver thorn of bloddy rose
lie crushed and broken
on the virgin snow.
And now I think I know what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity

how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they're not
list'ning still
perhaps they never will.

I love that song, ((Quiet)).


I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I hope you feel better tomorrow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPtcv3FETpQ


Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

oh cool


this just turned into a catharsis thread with music links

Quiet, my grandfather used to get dialysis. We were happy that it existed. It kept him in our lives longer. He wasn't thrilled with dialysis either.

That has to be really tough. I can't imagine. You had plans but now your plans are different. I'm not a "God had different plans for you" kind of person, but regardless your plans are different now, and in some respects it may be a bad thing but in others it may end up being a good thing. The impact such change really has on our lives is immeasurable, both in good ways and bad. Just continue to persevere. You're a strong person. Your strength defines you. You can hold your head high about that if nothing else.

you can still get the sh*t done that you had planned; you just have four hours a day less, three days a week in which to do it.

i don't think i know anyone else who is as determined, as confident, and as capable as you are. there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that you can accomplish anything that you truly desire, even being sick.

for the sh*t that you can't concentrate on today, or the sh*t that doesn't get completed tomorrow, know that there is someone right here who would gladly pick up any slack, however big or small, and allow you the time to get the important sh*t done. you just have to use the key and turn the lock.

i love you robin.

in keeping with the music theme:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=0hSydUKfG5U&feature=related]

I heard a quote recently, and reading this brought it to mind....

"Problems are just solutions in wolves clothing...."

Think of what this illness has taught you, about life, love, and yourself. The burdens you bear, the pain you endure, it does serve a purpose.

Is it fair? Hell no. But it has caused you to grow, to perservere, and you have to admit it has made you proud of yourself and appreciate things you might not have in the past. It has shifted your framework and your priorities.

That is a gift.

You are in my thoughts Robin.

Be well.

awwwww thanks folks. and see why I love papersmile?

I'm better today.

and now THIS is how I feel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsDpznl8eIs

I'm glad that you're feeling better.

you're a sweetie

blowing platonic smoochers your way

Thanks. I like you too.

Sounds like you're a lucky one to have Papersmile on your side.

Blowing platonic smoochers right back at ya.

And don't forget to be thankful for those good days.

it's ME who is the lucky one

(but keep telling him it's him, kk?)



i really wish he'd change his photo though; it feels like i'm flirting with someone young enough to be my son (or even grandson)

haha after Christmas I'll give Ralphie a rest

wait till you see the movie

and this is the way I feel now

(this song always chokes me up. every single time)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCZGqcMZ6Jw

you're never alone





think of me as your personal stalker


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YHmHSB0Fyg