I need some help on how to talk to 10 year old daughter about her mom leaving us and not contacting us for over 9 months.
any help out their would be nice
thank you.

Welcome, and oh my...When my ex left, my son was having really big problems...I tried to explain that there were just some things that he needed to figure out, but that he still loved all of them...it gets easier...if you can get her to talk to you...ask her how SHE feels...she must be the most important part of all this

Make sure she knows it's not her fault, and try not toproject your views/opinions/feelings about the mother onto the child.

i raised my daughter from age 5 and now is 21 . we didnt hear from her mom for 13 years . just have to be honest at that age. i explained that some people just need to be by themselves. that not all moms knew how to be a mom . but it all depends on how much your child is aware of the situation and how mature the child is . every child handles loss in a different way .

buddy...I'm telling you get the child to a counselor!!!! NOW!!!!
whatever may be the case between you two....dont let the child think for an instant it was because of her!!!!.............and she will!!!
reassure her everyday....and be there for her!!!
no matter what....be the stable one!!!!
your child depends on it and you....IMO!!!

Their is no good answer to your question,,, All children are different and take thing's different,,, Just be their for her and tell her she can talk to you about anything anytime,,, Do let her see her Mom if that is what Mom and her want but keep a close eye on the bit#h and make sure she doesn't leave with Mom b/c you may not get her back until after court.....

A counselor that specializes in children with this situation will help a lot.

I'm sorry that she has to go through this.

If the mom left because of drugs or alcohol, a family addictions counselor is good.

This happened to me when I was young. My Father told us that everything was going to be fine, Mom just needed her space, he was very supportive of us and he never put her down. She was gone for a year without contacting us, and when we did see her, the hatred that could have been wasn't in our hearts thanks to my Dad.

I hope this helps you. Best wishes

Hi! First I want to applaude you for hanging in there like a real father and stepping up after she left. The best advice I would be able to give you is to make sure you let your daughter know that no matter what happens that you will not leave her and that you love her better than anything. I would be as honest as you can about her leaving. I think she is old enough to understand some. I would also let you know that you should never put her mother down in front of your daughter. Believe me when I say this she will rezent you if you put her down. Your daughter will find out on her own, her own opinion,about her mother. I know right now things are looking rough and you may think that you all will never mend your hearts, but if you are a strong father, which I think you are, everything will work out the way it is suppose to. Just remember to tell your daughter that you and her mother love her very much, and, that none of your and her mother's problems are not her fault. I hope this might help you a little, I know how it feels I am raising to children alone too.

Wow.....I'm so sorry to hear of this happening to yet another person. I agree with the answers already given.

One of my twin daughters is going through a really really rough phase this last year with her Dad too. I have to say I did not do everything right. I started out following the advice of others here, but it got so hard for me to try to gloss over the lies and heartbreak he was causing. I finally just had to be upfront and honest and tell her it's ok to be sad and angry, but we have to get on with our lives and not allow this to tarnish everything else we have going on here.

I don't think a child should ever have to think that running away or dumping your responsibilities is an ok thing to do. Yes, I would love for her to have a good relationship with her Dad, but lately I think what little they do have is causing more harm than good. You and only you will be able to decide what's best in your situation, but I surely wish you the best of luck and will put up a little prayer for you both tonight.

I agree with you Heather, especially about the part "gloss over the lies and heartbreak he was causing" I think even though we don't want to degrade the other parent in front of the child, the child needs to know that it's okay to be angry at what the other parent did, and that you are hurt by it as well. I think it's healthy for the child, especially at her age, to see the emotions that you are going through too.

Most importantly, TALK to your daughter on a daily basis. Try doing it when you are doing something together, like homework, or watching TV, or even chores. Children seem to respond better doing it that way, then just sitting them down and having a discussion. I can tell you from personal experience, and I'm sure others will agree, communication is the key to getting through this, and any other major hurdles you will come across while raising your child.

OP,

When a child is abandoned by a parent the other parent doesn't have to explain the other parents actions or lie to the kid that they love them or don't love them. You do you blow your credibility out of the water real fast. What helps a lot more is let them talk and you listen a lot. They are not going to have this talk once or all of the time. It will come up when they need to talk if you are a good listener and have quiet time together.

Parent's that love you don't leave you of their own free will and kids are smart enough to figure that out.

What confuses kid's is when one parent try's to talk for the other and it is even worse when the absent parent comes around and contridicts what the custodial parent says. You get where you don't want to believe anybody and just be left alone.

Sometimes a kid can make up elaborate stories about it just because it beats not haveing and answer and you get sick and tired of people asking what you can't explain. Especially adults that should know better than to ask a kid something they have no control over.

Personally I think dragging a kid to counseling and putting the kid through yet another stranger asking you what you are thinking about and cutting you off after 40 minutes is a load of crap. You know that person doesn't give a rats butt about you but you pick up real fast it is expensive and disrupts everyday normal life. And that it is goning to be picked to pieces later.

The most reassureing thing a parent can do is keep your act together and let you get used to the loss. Give you a shoulder to cry on but don't make them feel like they have to be your whole life. You can talk about the future that is to come and make it feel like the world hasn't come to and end because it doesn't.

Let the child pick who they want as a same sex role model. You have already blown it so your picks are not always going to sound so hot. And I don't need some substitute coming in and trying to be what they are not. Be nice if I don't have to loose my granparents too but I don't want to be a substitute for my parent or pay for my parents decision so get real and don't make me deal with their stuff either.

If I need to know something don't make excuses get a book and do your homework so when I have a moment I feel like asking a question you don't have to get back with me. If you don't get all weird about bodyparts I am not going to.

Least don't tell me she is never coming back. You don't know that and I can wait a really long time. Even if it means when I am grown and gone. I don't want to do it behind your back but if you make yourself out to be all hurt about it if I do I will feel guilty. Yea I might get really mad about her being gone but I need hope and I sure don't need to know you think I am not enough for a return to duty. I won't blame myself that is bogus. I saw what was going on. I remember. I just don't need to hear you say you can't do it. That scares me; a lot.

And oh by the way let me decide when I want to see her. I don't need you stressing me out every holiday trying to run her down or pretend it doesn't matter. You want to get me a gift let me have that from you and don't dress it up in some lie that it is from her if it isn't. I rather deal with the truth. I probably have a better shot of finding her in the right time of my life anyway if you stay out of it. I don't need to deal with your stuff about it.

You want to know how I know this? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. And I have reunited a lot of families that wanted to be.

IMO, without knowing more about the circumstances, it's really hard to advise someone. My questions to you would be, how close was she with her Mother..or what kind of relationship did she have with her. Then I'd ask what kind of relationship did you and her Mother have? Then, what kind of relationship do you and your daughter have? All of this will have a bearing on how she deals with this, regardless of what is said to her. She may start having abandonment issues, she may start having trust issues.

And, you are having issues of your own about all of this, therefore, I disagree with the poster t saying not to get a counselor. It doesn't have to be a paid counselor of sorts, inform her school counselors of what's happening, if you are of a religious persuasion, get counseling there. I'm not sure where you live, but there may be some support groups..for both YOU and her. Another reason for allowing her to talk with someone else, she may feel uncomfortable about being honest with you because she may be afraid that if she says or does something wrong, that you'll leave her to...with someone else she may be more honest because she won't have that fear.

Unless you have family or friends you can also turn to, you've been given a full platter with seeing to her and your needs as well as being a provider. Any help you can find for both YOU & her, will benefit you both!

JMO.

your father was a very special person

Because this obviously hits real close to home I have been thinking about this post and not a lot else so I want to come back and add some stuff. I would have liked someone who knew what the hell it felt like to step up for me and so I find myself hoping I can do that for your daughter.

Being the Mother of an abandoned children I do have empathy for where you are. Believe me I do. I know it sucks not to be able to make someone able to do better by your child. And not have the aswers to the "whys". Part of being Daddy is fixing things. Being the Hero. But I am telling you it is ok not to have the answers. It makes me feel a lot better about not having the answers.

The reality of life is there is going to be a lot of stuff you aren't going to have the answer to and being honest with your kid and saying "You know Honey Daddy would Hang the Moon with Purple Beads for you but I don't know how to do this so it feels ok. But however you feel about it matters to me and we can hug and talk about it any time you want." The hug is the important part. Abandonment once it is felt is chilling. It sits in your stomache and swirls around you when you least expect it like a cold wind. You can't be there everytime you kid is going to have this sickening feeling. What you can do is try everything in your power to make it clear to her that you are not cutting out too. Even if you have to Ready, fire, aim talk about the future and how her life is going to be normal try to fake it until you make it. Kids live in the moment so it doesn't have to be months or years down the road just make them know that their being with you is on your agenda. It is reassureing to have the other river bank in sight when you are up to your neck in water. A regular special time is important. It doesn't have to be real long but if you touch base with your kid each day they know they matter without making a big production out of it. Extra time in the morning is good. Lets have tea together and start things out right. Bed time is NOT the time to talk. I am tired and I need my rest. If you make my bed a place of heartache I will hate sleep and be exhausted the rest of my life.

Something has been taken away and the hole needs to be filled But you aren't Mom and you are not going to find a replacement for her. Yea a child will seek other woman's comfort but if your Mom is gone the last thing you want to hear is someone trying to take her place. It makes you feel like you are betraying her. If someone you like asks you to do this you really don't want to hurt their feelings but it just makes you that much more aware of the absence. As a kid you don't think about it all the time. And until you make me feel guilty about it I won't. I am a kid I have the attention span of a nat and I might be having a thought about Mom one second and thinking about my dolls toenail color the next. Let me take things in the doses I can swallow. If I ask a question listen answer it and don't make a federal case out of it.

You can't be Mom but you can be a darn good Dad and that is what counts. I need a good Dad I haven't assigned territory of what is Mom's and what is Dad's territory. I just need a Parent when I have a need. I don't know what your Daughter is like but children usually do better with a comfort item when they feel loss. I would suggest a nice locket with with a picture of you and her mom in it. (Make sure it is a sturdy chain little girls play rough.) Then she knows it is ok to have you both in her heart but you are where she can touch when she is feeling shakey. Maybe your favorite cap or football jersey to sleep in. The key to your tool box. Something personal that she knows you won't leave behind. If she attaches to something of yours or her mothers be cool about it. While it sounds all sappy and wonderful to give a daughter something of her Mother's at a milestone in the movies don't do it on the day and make this an issue in every happy moment of my life. Let me set the pace. I want to think about my Mom let me do it on my own terms. Enough choices have been taken away from me already. Realize how I feel today may not be how I feel tomorrow. Don't give me the only picture of my Mom or all her things. One I am a kid I don't need her stuff. And two sooner or later I have to vent my rage and I might need to tear something up. I am not going pycho it is symbolic and I will do it when I am ready. This is about my feelings when I feel it not yours. I care about your stuff I just don't have the skills to deal with it. When I am older I might want the pictures and some of the stuff for my kids and my home. It isn't approval of what she did it is accepting who I am and half of that is her. I am smart enough to know it is not only the good parts but it helps me feel good about myself if you make the parts that make me like my absent parent a good thing even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Let me decide if I want her picture in my room. This is my home and it doesn't feel really good if you try to erase all that is familiar by ditching Mom's stuff. I don't want to move. Right now knowing where the bathroom is at night is comforting. I just lost my Mom I don't need to loose my best friend and my favorite teacher. Ask me before you ship me off to somewhere so you can work; especially in the summer. At least give me plenty of warning to get used to the idea. I am not going to like sudden transitions. That doesn't mean making poor fragile me the dictator of the house but I can cope with only so much.

I know everyone is freaking out about sending me to a counselor. If it is not my fault why are you sending me to a doctor? I don't feel sick. Is my brain broken? Am I acting sick? Or am I having the normal stuff that any person who greives has? Yea it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a couple of books around. I like reading together or eating popcorn and watching a video snuggled up but let me bring up how I feel and don't beat it to death. I really don't want to be the class expert about being and abandoned child. If you are going to tell my teachers at least follow up and see if they are being cool about it. I don't need people waiting for me to become a member of the Manson family. If I want to wear black I might just be playing dress up. What I am saying is don't over react. Enough people are doing that already.

The flip side of this is if I am getting in over my head give me and escape route. If I start gaining or looseing weight pay more attention to ME not the food. If my friend can't come over to spend the night because I don't have a Mom in the house catch on and give me something else cool to do. It might be tough being a "MOM" but you have to let people know you aren't a pervert. PLEEZE don't put the make on my friends Mom's or my teacher's. Or think I want to be pals with your girfriend's dweeby kids. If I am having a hard time in school maybe I am a little distracted and could use a peer tutor or you helping me manage my time. You might have to skip some overtime so I am not doing homework at bedtime. And after school program can be cool but catch on you have made me one of those kids. If my friends changed you may have a hand in it. Or it just might I have found out they weren't my friends after all. Things change fast pay attention. If you think you have to get me a counselor; check them out. There are a lot of nut cases out there pretending to be counselors. If I don't want to go; trust me there is a reason.

If you send me to and institution I guarantee you that is the best place to get all the stuff you don't want me to have. When I come back all the kids I used to be friends with will dump me. It won't be a vacation for me and you will be lucky if I wouldn't do better babysitting myself. If you are absolutely certain I have to have medication be responsible about it. More kids die from crap they get out of their own medication cabinets than off the street. I am going to be a sitting duck to the kids that want the party materials so I may or may not be getting it. You can just about count I will smoke. It is one of the few times I can get away from staff. I know what to take to get high and lots of ways to kill myself that you haven't even heard of. If you are drinking to cope you can bet I will copy that. I can live up or down to your expectations but it helps if you have eyes in the back of your head. I will get over you checking up on me. I won't like it but not having a Mom a lot of people want to show me things. I am a kid it matters to be included.

I hope this helps. I really do care that it all works out for both of you. That you are asking gives me a lot of hope that it will. Anyway I will be praying that it does. Don't take any of my remarks to be attacking you or accuseing you of anything. I am just trying to cover a lot of bases. Good Luck.

Wow you know your stuff.

"Personally I think dragging a kid to counseling and putting the kid through yet another stranger asking you what you are thinking about and cutting you off after 40 minutes is a load of crap. You know that person doesn't give a rats butt about you but you pick up real fast it is expensive and disrupts everyday normal life. And that it is goning to be picked to pieces later."

I agree. Counseling is the biggest bunch of crap. If YOU need help, to properly help your child, YOU get counseling.

Someone who cares is who should be talking to the kid, not someone who's job it is to pretend to care.

My Dad left when I was 12 . . . .

Just my Not so Humble Opinion.