A question for the guys...

You meet a woman and you two really hit it off. I mean, you like her a
lot and you have it in mind to continue seeing her.

Now, discounting really weird or dangerous behavior, what are some of
the things that she could say or do that would be a "deal breaker," that
would "scare you away?"

And, if she did say or do something to "scare you away," would you
explain to her what the problem is and give her a chance to explain or
rectify that behavior, or would you just tuck tail and run, leaving her
in a cloud of dust, wondering what the hell just happened to make you
change your feelings toward her all of a sudden?

I always believe in talking out any situation. Would never just cut &
run, especially if I thought she was someone I wanted to try to keep in
my life.

Introducing me to her family on a first date.
Refering to "us" and "we" on the first date.

Those are a couple of things that would wierd me the **** out. I'd say
something to her (if, as you said, I really liked her) but doing things
like that are about as welcome to guys as a guy whipping out his schlong
and going "Ta da!" to a lady.

Thanks, OS. But what are some of the things that would, say, give you
the "new relationship" jitters? I mean, it seems that with some guys any
sign of affection or the mere mention of anything transpiring in the
future automatically means, to him, that she's trying to "trap" him into
a commitment.

Do "all" guys think this way? Can't a woman discuss feelings and hopes
and desires without a guy getting all antsy about it? I mean, just
because she talks about it doesn't mean it's a done deal...you know?

After going through the "DIVORCE" saga, I know that I have no problem
laying the cards on the table if I have a concern. I don't have the time
or patience for anything else anymore.

Really a case by case thing, but I'll bite. If we seem to be vibing and
all is well there are a few things that may derail the infatuation
train:

1) Inconsistency. Somewhere along the way she betrays the character she
has initially shown. Again, this is really situational for me, but it's
important I don't believe she is masking her true self and it is
sporadically coming out as she is having difficulty maintaining the
rouse (I hope that makes as much sense to anyone reading as it does to
me).

2) Too hungry. Sure, we are having a glorious time and everything is
going swimmingly, but if it becomes apparent that we are having such a
good time because she is blindly agreeing with everything I say and do
and it wasn't obvious immediately than it will be at some point. I like
to be challenged, after all love isn't two people who are identical in
every way finding each other, it is finding someone who's beliefs and
perspective captivate you and celebrating those differences.

Well, that's it for now. If I come up with anything more I will share.

Agree with Fry, however most people put on some sort of face for a
awhile. They want to see the real you before you see the real them.

I would always tell the person if something has made me uncomfortable.
About the only thing that would make me tuck and run would have to be my
two children. Do, say, or act strange around them and there is no
hesitation your out. But it will be months before my children even know
someone exists.

If she ever lied to me about anything at all.

Thanks, guys. I think Derfw hit upon what I was getting at, though, more
than the rest of the answers.

So let me ask you this, Derfw (or anyone else):

Do you perceive her asking to meet her family or using the words "us" or
"we" as some kind of a "threat?"

Now, remember, I'm talking about the fact you've already established you
both like each other a lot and have plans to continue to see one
another.

I can see where getting too "comfortable" on the very first date would
be rather freaky, but...just, in general, I don't see the problem with
it.

I used to be so scared to even mention the remotest possibility of an
eventual "future" with a guy, because I knew he'd freak for sure.

But one time I decided to try a little 'spearmint. Guy I was seeing at
the time made a comment about how he was a confirmed bachelor, that he
swore he'd never ever marry, blah blah blah...

So I says, "Well, I DO want to get married some day, but just not to
YOU."

Immediately he says, with a look of shock on his face, "Why? Why not me?
What's wrong with ME?"

Go figure.

That's good Jean. You are a tricky one. I bet no one could pull
a fast one on you.

I cant say what the dealbreaker would be (for some reason bob and tom
come to mind)but I would definitely be honest and tell her about it in a
nice way of course. How can a guy just cut tail and run? I'll never
know.

So your discounting things like cleaning her nails with a switch blade
and spinning the revolver as she glares at little kids we drive by. So
that takes care of the “scare away “ thing.

Then for me, it comes to the basic question of what are my boundaries
around keeping me healthy and keeping the relationship healthy.
Integrity is a must, clingyness is out, she needs to be able to stand as
a confident individual. Inability to talk about intimate matters (ya, ya
it’s a guy saying this). Of course she needs to be clean and sober. And
be clean of X longings, as in excessive talking about or still attached
to. Also, I need to know that she is someone I can trust around my kids.

Talking out what is not working as well as what is working is just part
of a relationship for me. I’m still friends with most every gal that
I’ve dated. It’s all in how we end the relationship. More to the truth
is how we transform the relationship. Most times, time and space is
needed for that, with a good dose of honesty, respect and caring.
Just my view.

i love that show...

Jean, there are so many things (as is there are so many things for a guy
too kill it too).....

* As you get to know her you find out she's a Shop-aholic that has HUGE
Credit card Debt. Then she starts to let the Cat out of the Bag that
she's looking for some guy to pick up the Tab eventually.

* Nothing like hearing about her ultimate Goal of just quiting her work
so she can stay at home either.

* How about the longer you're with her the More of you she demands until
it gets to the point where your constantly putting your friends & Family
off (that ones always nice)

* Oh, my favorite is the Attention seeking Drama Queen that always start
trouble at your family's house or when your friends are over (trying to
get you to cut them out).

* How about when the Sex starts dropping off and you find yourself only
getting any when you buy her something? (I've known a few friends like
that)

This could really go on a while but the basics come down to being
dishonest (ie she is up front and starts changing into the person she
was hideing all along)....

whats up everyone

Sluggo, that generally doesn't occur to me, because I would have no
inclination of doing anything like that. But with some guys, it seems
the slightest little thing, and they perceive it as "OMG she's trying to
trap me." Seems he's supposed to be free to state his opinion on such
matters, but she's supposed to sit back and wait until he gives the "go
ahead," so to speak, for the relationship to progress.

In other words, it seems the man is generally the one who dictates
whether or not the relationship is going move forward. And yes, I know
she has a say in it, too, if she doesn't want it to progress, but how
many times do you hear:

"Don't call her, let her call you?"

or

"The woman likes to do the chasing, so let her chase."

or

"How to Catch Her and Keep Her."

and stuff like that.

Get my point?

It's almost as if we should fall down on our knees in gratitude and
supplication and thank God that men are even gracing us with being in
their presence, sometimes.

I hear a lot of men say they want a woman to take the initiative more,
to be more "aggressive," but it seems that maybe they're just referring
to sex, and not to a more long-term thing.

I agree with what fry has to say. The same can be said about a man.
Both man and woman can be needy or wanting to rush/push for a
relationship. Not very attractive, lol.

I prefer no games. Life is too short for that nonsence. If there is a
mutual interest, nature has a way of sorting things out as well as input
from both parties.

I don't like games, either, and by that I mean that some men say and do
things -- either verbally, outright, or by their behavior -- that
clearly indicates they're interested in moving forward and then, when
you take that as your "ok" to reciprocate in kind, some of them freak
and act as though they have no clue where "you ever got the idea" it was
ok to do so in the first place. The whole ambiguity thing....

"Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here!"

"No, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away!"

I know it's not just a "male thing," though. A lot of women are like
that, too, I've heard.

I'm just so direct, so sure of what I want and when I want it, so I'm
not the most patient person in the world, but I do try my hardest to be
understanding. My thing is, guys, don't be wishy washy ...don't do or
say anything that's going to "get her hopes up" until or unless you're
ready to move forward.

Okay? Okay.

Carry on.

Jean

This topic covers so much to me. I think we all are just moving to
fast on most things. You say & show that your a strong, dynamic, take
charge lady. The kind I REALLY like. You have a good idea what you
want, where your going & what you expect form the world. Your the
EXCEPTION, not the rule.
Most people DO NOT REALLY know what they want, where they are going,let
alone WHO they REALLY are.

So, this means most of the people we deal with are really rather
confused, desperate, scared & most of all hurting from what life has
given them so far. As a society, we watch to much TV; thinking this is
how life is; if we read, it is mostly trash; no self improvement books,
& in general we follow the life MADISON AVE. wants us to, so they can
run our lives & MOST of all MONEY.

I fit this picture till I married Gwen. She was my start & now, after
so MAJOR life changes, I can openly talk about it, write about it & help
other people. SO if anyone wants to really WAKE UP & take control of
their lives, theu frst need to take a good hard look at themselves.
Start reading some self help books & find themselves.

Realize I got a bit off topic in a manner. I think the big answer to
your question is, most people don't know what they want & thus keep
changing their direction like the wind.

This all just my thoughts & some may not agree. I just hope all will
read & think about what I have written.

You're not called "Sage" for nothing...thanks.

Well, doesn't do me a lot of good to be so sure of what I want, when it
seems like most of the time what (who) I want doesn't know what or who
they want. It's frustrating, to say the least.

That's why I don't understand people who have affairs or who just hop
from the bed of one person to another. What are they missing? Why do
they seem to think the grass is always going to be greener on "the other
side?"

Granted, there are times when it's simply just time to move on, for
various valid reasons..but..by and large, life is the same from day to
day and most everyone faces the same problems, the same situations, as
everyone else.

But for some people, soon as the "newness" wears off, or any problems
crop up, they turn "chicken" and get the "cluck" out of there -- but
fast!

Then they very soon realize that the same problems crop up, and, again,
they run.

And it seems it's getting worse as generations "progress." We are
raising a society of spoiled, noncommittal, indecisive wimps, it seems,
not just when it comes to relationships but with respect to other issues
as well.

When the going gets tough -- it's buh-bye time.

Having a real commitment to someone takes work. There is no such thing
as "easy street" when it comes to relationships. That's why the
nonchalant attitude is so prevalent, IMO. Easier to just look at someone
as a temporary POA to satiate that one desire, than to deal with them
from a "real life" perspective.

well jean i can only speak for myself. when i go out with someone or
even if there involved in any part of what i am doing
i always ask there opinion. i make it a point right from the beginning
to let them know that this is not a me thing, it's a we thing. it's
50/50 and nothing more.