thanks for your input, slow..

oh, and sage, I should add...

considering what I've been through, I should by all rights be the most
confused, scared, desperate and hurting person on the planet, but...

For me, anyway, having a man (not just any man, but the right man) in my
life has been a lifelong dream for me. That is a priority of mine. For
some people material things is more important, others, a different sex
partner every night. Me, I've always wanted a happy, harmonious and
loving relationship and why that's eluded me for most of my life is
baffling at times.

And I'm not unhappy with being by myself; in fact, I prefer it much of
the time. I love my solitude...but it's also nice knowing that someone
cares.

I think one reason I feel like I do is because I grew up in a household
with an emotionally (and sometimes physically, to an extent) abusive
alcoholic for a father. Always wondered what life would be like to have
a "Ward Clever" (okay, not quite like that, but close) man in my life.

All I seem to get are guys who are terrified of making a commitment. At
least to me, anyway. A lot of them ended up getting married to someone
else...then divorcing them after they discovered they weren't what they
wanted, either.

Sigh...but onward I trudge. What else is there to do?

Jean,

I recently went out with someone and they started talking about their
relationship and how they was gonna break up with them. Scared the hell
out of me. First date, I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, so life
goes on, by myself!!

Jean

From your writing, my frst thoughts
Are you looking to hard?
Ward Cleaver NEVER existed anywhere but your mind.
Are you going to fast.

Things that last the longest, take the longest to build
Maidson Ave wants us all running around like chickens, no time to think.

Think about it.

No, I'm not "looking" at all, in fact. And, considering I haven't had
but three "serious" relationships in 35 years of dating, I'd say I'm not
exactly willing to settle for just anything that comes along -- and they
do "come along" - in droves, sometimes.

And I retracted the Ward Clever comment, to a degree. What I mean by
"Ward Clever" is just a decent, honest, good man who has his priorities
in order. One who won't cheat or treat me badly, or as though I'm
dispensable. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? If a man
isn't willing to at least be faithful, then I have no inclination of
indulging him otherwise.

But for some people, soon as the "newness" wears off, or any problems
crop up, they turn "chicken" and get the "cluck" out of there -- but
fast!

sorry jean,
i had to do that(lol) as far as that statement right there. it is up to
the individuals to keep the spice going in the relationship.

True, but...life is not all about spice all the time. It's often
peppered with disappointment.

(God, I kill me sometimes. I just kill me! )

i wasn't talking about spice in terms of sex. just the 2 of you's taking
walks, doing whatever the both of you like to do.

we all have commitments in life, job, kids, etc. so when we are not
working why do we always have to be serious? why can't we be those kids
at the playground on the swings, or out rollerblading?

Jean

Gwen & I have the best relationship poss. Even in death she is my #1.
We let life, a business, money get between us. We both had affairs, but
WE were still so important to each other, we got help. When I hear
people say, cheat=kick to curb. I think, if that is all you do, react
in anger, you never learn the WHY. ANGER is a REACTION, NOT a FEELING.
HURT is the FEELING. People need to LEARN that frst. If you can hold
your breath, stopping one of the most BASIC things to SUPPORT LIFE.
Why won't people learn to CONTROL their HURT. No frst thing we do is
HURT BACK. Never learn the WHY that way.

Neither was I. Nor did I ever say anything about not having fun
together.

Sage, it's doubtful, but I might forgive ONE affair. Hell would freeze
over before I'd ever forgive another one, though.

Anyway, I am well aware of the components that make a relationship work
and I am quite confident I have what it takes to do that.

I have never been with any man in a relationship who even came close to
that. Case in point? My ex husband mowed the lawn a total of ONCE during
the entire 5.5 years we were together. That is but one example.

well jean you are a better person than i. i would never forgive it,
inexcusable under any circumstances. i feel thats when all communication
has broken down on one or both sides. one or the other should ask for a
divorce before that happens.

I am with you on that one slow!

The reaction is too hurtful!!

Slow, that's why I said it's doubtful..I mean, it's VERY doubtful. It
would take a LOT for me to be able to forgive that, and even then, I
don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again.

but you would at least consider it(at least by your answer).
that is one of the most destructive things in a relationship, if not
thee most. there is just no thinking on that one for me.......it's no.
the trust is gone and with that so is the relationship or any part of
trying to rebuild it.

Communication can not break down on just one side, it is always both
sides.

Folks PLEASE think about this
ANGER is a REACTION, NOT a FEELING

NEVER NEVER react in anger, it is a losing position.

oldsage,
I did forgive and it got me nowhere and I finally did something about
it, not out of anger!!

I would almost always at least CONSIDER forgiveness...wouldn't
necessarily be able to do it, though. And even if I did, doesn't mean
I'd still be able to stay married to the man.

Sage, this is one area I'd have to disagree. I think that misused and
overused anger is not good, however, anger is a valid emotion. And, if
someone wrongs you or harms you, then it is well within your "right" to
be angry at them.

The unhealthy thing would be to harbor that anger or, God forbid, turn
that anger inward. Or outward to the extent that it has a negative
effect on you.

One of the worst things (if there is a worst thing) I can say about my
Christian upbringing is that I was always taught to turn the other
cheek. Well, that anger had to go somewhere...and guess where it went?
Internally. Which of course, leads to depression.

Normally I wouldn't yak about my personal life in public, but I think
this situation fits a lot of people.

I think it's quite acceptable (or should be) to express your anger in an
appropriate manner and direct it where it SHOULD be directed, toward the
perpetrator, and not toward yourself or, say, your kids or other
"innocent bystanders."

Anger properly expressed shows people they have boundaries and are not
"allowed" to cross those boundaries.

well sage i have to disagree with you on that.if only one talks and the
other just blows it off there is no relationship to begin with. time to
leave when that happens. isn't one of the purposes of having a partner
to be there in your bad times also?

having a affair is a sign of weakness and insecurity with yourself and
your partner. i give you all the credit in the world to overcome what
you did, but not many people can do the same.

Jean & slow

We got prof. help, or we would have split. If one person won't talk
then yes comm. is dead.

I never advocate stuffing feelings.

All the counselors I have talked with & books read agree,
Anger is a REACTION to a hurt
Deal with it is such, find the source of the hurt.
When never you are ANGRY, you have been hurt some how.
Road Rage = dis respect simple as that

Just think about it, If it doesn't work for you, throw it away.
But THINK FRST..........ALWAYS

i did think about it sage. when i took my vows. and i said i would be by
her for better or worse and vice versa. not that when things got bad
would i go out looking for another woman to comfort me.