One of the commandments is "honor thy father and thy mother".

I've broken that commandment and I do not know how I can ever "fix it".

With humble humilty I find myself THANKFUL, yes thankful for my father. For without him, I wouldn't exist. But I do not love my father. I hate him. As a Christian I've been taught to forgive him for his actions, the pain, and bad memories. But I cannot FORGET.

How can I "honor" someone I don't even respect?

You dont need to honor anyone. Father, mother, it doesnt matter. Not everyone who brings life into this world is capable or responsible enough to fulfill the role of decent parent. Thats not your fault. You are obviously not a small child anymore and are able to take full responsibility for living your own life. If you wish to attempt to mend that relationship with your father, this is your decision. But you do not need to feel compelled to love or respect an individual in your life who is unworthy of that respect or love.

Look at it this way: You're not honoring the PERSON so much as your connection to that person.

You can be realistic about your parents and know that there's no way you can ever be around them. Maybe your parents are criminals, or they abused you, or they are drunks, or whatever. There's no reason you should forget that bad things happened to you because of them, or give them more opportunities to do bad things to you.

But you should at least make an effort not to hate them. Try to see them as screwed-up human beings that deserve compassion.

Honoring your parents means honoring the fact that they brought you into the world to have an opportunity at life. You don't have to be a pushover for them or let them abuse you, or let them get away with abusing anyone else.

Forgive your dad, if there's any way you can. Don't do it for him--do it for yourself. Whether your dad is a good person or a bad person, you will always during this life have a connection to him.

I know people my age who still carry around grudges against their parents, and I always pity them.

I hope this was helpful. yours in Chaos, Scarlett

That's good, Scarlett.

^^^ Someone... actually... used... the word "good"... in a sentence with... my name.....



AAAAARRRRGGHHH!! *head explodes*

life is good and bad, so a good father is HONORED to hear BOTH good and bad words telling of the hearts honest feelings, or what is a father?

We'll have to get your head back together there.

I still like what you said.

Just be thankful that there was a comma separating them or things might have gotten really serious.

(did that come from you?? )

I agree. Forgiveness is not forgetting, but rather accepting the past as the past, realizing that no amount of "wishing" will make it any different than it was, but also letting go and looking for today.

It has helped me to forgive people by understanding that they may have been doing the best they could with what they knew how. Parents are not perfect, and they make huge mistakes, some are selfish and honestly should have never become parents.........but such is life. As an adult we are responsible for ourself, our own minds, hearts, and spirits........and bodies for that matter.

I think you could learn to respect them as humans, in the least, screwed up, but still human. Who knows, if you had lived their lives you may have ended up the same way......just a thought.

TwilightsTwin...... there is great healing that comes with Forgiveness.

TwilightsTwin ,Your pa as a child, was probably subject to the VERY same thing that you were subject to , in your relationship with pa.

Hurting children usually grow up and inflict the same hurt on their children.........and this sadly passes on from generation to generation....

and only God can break this ......

and set the captives free(both you and your pa in this case are held captives to generational stuff passed on..and probably your pa's pa before him, was also subject to the same thing you have gone thru with your pa, TwilightsTwin).


TwightsTwin....point is,your pa also needs to be set free...pray for Him and forgive him.....but ask God to give you the strength to do this.....but when you do this, you are gonna get sooo set free, Precious.....

When we pray and forgive those who hurt us, it FREES Us like nothing else can.....but again, God knows and understands that sometimes we cannot do this on our own strength.....that is why we need to just ask God to help us with this.

But an essential part to healing ,and being able to get to the place of praying and forgiving those who hurt us, also requires allowing the anger out.

So ,don't ever stuff those feelings, or think it is unchristian of you to feel hate and anger.
By allowing those hurt feelings to come out , is what helps the healing to come all the sooner.
And that is also when you will be able to pray and forgive your pa.


Btw,Love all those posts you posted recently here in the religious forum.
Great stuff...

I've always felt that it is not necessary to either forgive or forget.

I think those words are misleading.

It's not our place to judge others. Therefore it is not up to us to 'forgive' another because we weren't supposed to be judging them in the first place.

The truly important thing is that you don't fester anger or bitterness, because those things are only negatives in your own life.

Forgiving others isn't truly about them at all.

It's all about not carrying around bitterness inside ourselves.

The same goes for guilt feelings. If you are allowing yourself to feel guilty about not wanting to forgive that's only just another negative.

I think the main thing about 'forgiveness' is to not want to seek revenge. That's the key concept right there.

As long was you are festering with thoughts of revenge then you HAVE forgiven!

You don't need to EXCUSE someone to forgive them!

If what they did was inexcusable then so be it. They should not be excused for their behavior!

Forgiveness does not mean to excuse their behavior, or accept it, or condone it in any way.

It simply means to not fester resentment and/or revenge.

It's all about YOU, not the person you are concerned about "forgiving".

To forget, doesn't mean to forget it ever happened. It means not to DWELL on it. That's what it means to forget about it. Just don't dwell on it. Don't seek revenge, and that's that. There's nothing more to do.

Forgiveness isn't about acceptance! That's a total misunderstanding IMHO.

There are some things that are unforgivable and they SHOULD BE unforgivable.

But that's not the KIND of forgiveness that Jesus was referring to.

His POINT was not to harbor ill-feelings, and allow them to fester. That was the POINT.

He didn't meant to accept bad behavior as though it had been good.

Forgiveness is really about YOU, and your attitude, it's not really about the person you are 'forgiving' at all.

Thank you all for your replies. I have been reading them all today but keep hesitating how to respond. I wanted to keep the personal info out as much as posible...but it helps to let it out. I can say that your posts have helped. About "don't forget...but don't dwell", I wish I could forget. I didn't dwell on the past, the past found me yesterday. I was so optimistic, of course I'd rather be the optimist and a fool, then a pesimist and right. But my father had cleaned up, found Jesus, yet always stayed pretty absent from my life. (Which was fine with me). I thought my life was moving positively into the future as a grown woman. But yesterday I found myself that same scared little girl. But I can't be scared anymore, I have a son and I'm never ever going to let him hurt either of us. Even though time had passed, the booze was gone, I was staring at the same man with the hateful look in his eyes yesterday. Nothing had changed. So I cursed him out. Publically. Told him to leave us alone and NEVER come into our lives again. I yelled at my father...the man I never raised my voice to. I disowned my father and my conscience is killing me. I hate my father. I hate myself for hating him. I told him the only thing we have in common is our last names.

My son and I went to church yesterday, and all I can think today is...I cursed out my dad. I feel like I'm going to hell, I told my dad I hated him and I meant it with every fiber of my being.

when saying things thought to be negative, are expelled from the mouth, the mind accuse as a roaring lion of wrong doing, lol........

but is it really true seems to be the question?

it could also be all the words that come from the mouth are perception, which shifts constantly, so if the mind is convinced it is bad to speak "negative", then it has told itself in essence, it can only speak part of reality???

one could also say to decide self is faulty for speaking bad, would not allow all things to be accurately spoken???

how can a large part of reality that exists be off limits to the mind to speak???

studies conducted show the mind most forgets whatever is viewed while having negative emotions.......

the same as to not allow into the brian negatives for computing sake, as it is seen with negative emotion, so the less computing by brain for actual solutions possible, if there is not true knowing of just what power negative have to create more good, lol......

no computing of all the good "possible's".....

is it not possible what was spoken could be just what was needed, as if the mind see itself first in error, it can never believe the good potential of anything negative, and for notions sake, one could say this encompass half of what goes on in the universe?

if it is not a friend, sure, it will not hear without great resistence, but if it is not a friend, then surely the only hope of making a friend, would come from speaking all that is truest reality........

subjective of course, but one could easily say that half of the universe as missing, half of self as missing, as off limits to speak, would make any true connection to anything pretty dam difficult, lol.......

true greatest reality possible not spoken, could be said to feel the same as to be on pause, or mute........

but indeed, because of your courage, your father now feels and knows the true feelings, which are the only "you" to offer, the greatest truth of all one feels at anytime, and he did help shape all you are, as all around have, the one's closest to oneself for sure the greatest......

if the true you is NOT spoken......

how could he even begin to understand, to even wish to see or be more, less he hear all he has helped to make, by all reactions naturally being spoken, so it seems as more possible, you would actually do him a "grave injustice" by not telling him the greatest total honesty, which is both good and bad together.........

could not any "dishonesty" actually help keep him in denial of self, that whisper all day long, but all others tip toe around, as sure, all make known to others the sore spots wished to be left alone, lol.......

so anything we hate about self is off limits, lol.....

seems like in time, this would make it harder for self to look into self, as "bads" perceptions of self actions have a tendency to pile up with each look into self, making each time a peek is had, for it to feel worse, so therefore, less will to look, lol......

how could these be good to not speak.......

if they are spoken, then bridges of true connection, that gap the distance between the wrongs of each other are built, and these type friendships can never NOT grow stronger each day, lol........

and ones where bad cannot be spoken, less strong each day.....

so your right on track.....

sorry, just can't see this "negative" posted, to not make a whole lot of good........

subjective of course, but just the same, the whole world is built on idea swapping.......

there is huge incentive to speak the mind for the good that is created, as what comes from speaking it is 10 times greater good, than the worst bad of not speaking it.......

also, the bad NOT SPOKEN, WILL ALWAYS MAKE TRUE INTENTIONS OF LOVE, WISHED TO BE SPOKEN OR ACTED OUT, AS FAR AWAY FROM ONESELF........

so the mind tell a truth that could be true indeed, that many words have hurt him, and dishonored him, but by ONE definition of dishonor, and by way of one possibility of what hurt can do.......

but it seems there are many more GOOD definitions possible than actually bad ones, lol......

seems as if "HE" was actually MOST HONORED, as a king, capable of handling self and seeing self, and oneself did not withhold, as one would of a lessor being, and seen "HIM" NOT as inferior, but able to be a man, spoken to as an equal, capable of hearing and digesting all data heard as useful data to self.....

likewise, "HE" was not judged, by deciding for him how he would use his "feelings", for constrcutive things and wisdom, or for less constructive things as denial.......

in all ways, it seems one has given repsect by saying all words with honesty to an elder, as wise, as knowing, as a parent is able to hear......

well, it seems even more, to not speak such things, would be to treat one's own father as a child, not able to hear, and as such, this would be the greater dishonoring of him, lol.....

so what truth has the mind spoken?

perhaps only half of all things possible.....

in speaking naturally, you have not predetermined failure in him or self, which if done, will ensure failure is entered into the equasion of any situation.......

besides, kept in, negatives not spoken actually weaken the energy of the body, leading to lowered immune systems, greater risk of disease, compiling all stress, as a huge killer of mind and body.......

so the entire universe, which you believe god made, indicates all that negative create that is good.....

what is stress, but negatives not able to be spoken, and then accepted, if one cannot change them, with all things available to self to use, and speaking being one of the greatest powers available to self, to create good, just as possible to create outlandish good, as creating outlandish bad, lol.......

the burden carried by not doing be great, and serve not a most good potential, but expelling seems to be the perfect wisdom of the universe........

all that is natural of mind and body, show the true essence of mind and body, which can then be as joined.......

if the mind tell the body it is bad for feeling anger, the mind is at war with the body, and the war rage, until energies of mind and body have become as enemeies............

does not the mind argue all the things "negative" the body "feels", are illegal, but how can making a feeling "be better" not thrust self into just immediately seeking an "opposite state of mind" as what is good, never allowing sight how EVERY STATE IS GOOD, NOT JUST THE GOOD, OR THIS WILL MAKE DIVIDE OF SELF IN ALL THINGS.........

if one can speak of something, from any past experience, and can envoke some "negative" feeling from within, the body tell the mind there is not resolution.....

repeated negative emotions called from within, tell repeatedly something needs tending to, and the first and only way to find it, is to SPEAK......

to self, to another, to a tree, to whatever one has the courage to speak to, but if there were a sin, the greatest sin committed is in not speaking it, lol.....

perhaps the mind hath it's own energy, and the body another.......

if one say, i am happy, but feel sad inside, one has just divided the energy of self.......

if one say yes, take my car, but body says no, self energy is divided again......

if mind say come in, but body says stay out, so it allows, self is divided, and anything after that point will have divided energy in it anyway, so "most good done" possible is by speaking most true self......

a neighbor can feel if they are totally welcomed or not, lol......

some would say the mind and body are only able to become as one, if the mind say what is in snyc with the bodies feeling, as IS NOT THIS THE WHOLE TRUTH OR WHOLE REALITY OF THE NOW?

it has been spoken by many to live in the now, lol.....

but how the hell is this accomplished....

no matter how many interpretations of the "now", certainaly it is seen that not speaking the truest self of the now, would make for a very shaky prognosis of what the "now" be and is....

what is the greatest truth other than ALL AS IT IS?

so you have spoken with courage, as to speak THE BAD FEELINGS OF SELF TO ONE THAT IS LOVED, take MUCH MORE COURAGE THAN TO SPEAK GOOD, LOL.......

also, if words of "bad" are seen as only capable of "bad", a vicious cycle of trying to tame what is only the "manifestation" of energy within is had, lol...........

what is first of self......

words?

or the energy of feelings that made them?

to chase to be as "good words most" is like chasing a figment of what the mind say is good, which leaves one being dragged behind in one's own dust cloud of static energy, never catching the carrot of good words, or what can create better, as the thing that move the carrot of words is the feeling, or energy, and to see it as defective, never allow understanding of it, so no greater understanding of self by self, or any others around self........

besides, to not look at what is first, but second in creation, such as words are, is to miss the tempo of the timing of self, of body and mind, becoming most as a reaction to self against self, never as a action first........

the mind alone as the measure of happiness and what is good, is like beating the body into submission, which soon feel as a frieght train has run over it, lol......

the ever accusing lion the mind is subdued, in short time, when the mind see it is being hoodwinked by only half truths, of illusions of what is most good, robbed of good possibilities, or soon, many good things not possible.........

this would also seem to blend with the notions many believe, with great scientific cause, that the mind has only known how to utilize about 10% of it's potential........

it could also be said the sky of the minds possibilities, is directly related to how many old true feelings are understood, and this certainly can never happen until negatives be expelled from the mouth, lol......

the body cannot function physically without expelling what is no longer of nutritional value, so why is the mind any different?

after all, it does control all the body, so maybe it operate itself with the same principles it operates the body.......

just thoughts.......

whats really out there........

if the mind and body's handling of it's own energy is actually divided by speaking one thing, while feeling another, then divided energy of self could be said to be created.......

if energies were no longer divided, by speaking mind and body simutaneously, as together, this would be of maximum importance to maintain healthy "body and mind self", and dramatically increase perception of mind, physcial strenth, as many martials arts know the power of expelling as well, and indeed, could be seen to be what contribute MOST to the heath and well being of other minds and bodies around oneself as well......

so "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WRONG", lol.......

even biblical text say if one has aught, to go and tell them, lol.....

uh, perhaps to fix what ails both parties, lol........

some believe that perhaps the energy of a human being could be increased to say as much as 90%, as some scientific studies have shown with good reason, the mind only use about 10% of it's resources............

so, you have bestowed all good things by speaking that can create greater good.....

what i intended to say at the beginning....

but what "good" is it to say something is "good", less one can say "how" it can be good, lol.....

what is possible, say the lion courage, to the genie self......

just ideas and notions from a fools mindscape.....

uncensored, so forive the typo's, lol.....

peace

Perfectly Put! And I am saying this after you said you didn't like me. lol Maybe I just need to keep out of the Sex and Dating Forums huh?

To be the best person you can should be honour enough for him.

So, instead of trying to live for someone else, make you the best you can be and that will serve both of you.

I'm trying to think of what to say that may help you see, that this is not about your father. It is about you. By your post there is a part of yourself that is still that scared little girl, and it seems it was that little girl that stood up to your father the other day. It is good that "she" not be scared anymore, as you have said.

You are no longer that little girl, and I am sure you know that. You have grown, and the fact that these "negative" emotions are not desired by you is a good thing. HOWEVER, do not hate yourself for having them. You MUST allow yourself to grieve for the relationship that could have been......feel the "hate" and embrace it to an extent. For a time. It is important that you allow yourself this, but that it only be for a time.

Then I want you to consider your father's background. What was his childhood like?? Why did alcoholism have such a hold on him?? Honey, he probably did/or still does hate himself more than you ever could. It is this hate of self that drives him/did drive him to do the things he did. At least imo.

The problem is that you are harboring this same self loathing, because it was handed down to you by your father. Hate, anger, etc. are not part of you, but are simply fleeting emotions.

I used to "hate" my grandmother. I think she hated me first. I remember getting hit upside the head with hairbrushes. The difference was I told her how I felt as a child. I called her "crazy" and the like. This probably hurt her.....

I hated my "sister" who was/is a liar for the most part. She constantly got on my nerves, and told lies to me. She "hated" me for a long time because people trusted me (simply because I didn't lie to them) and not her......

Hate/anger is usually a "cover" emotion. There is something deeper that you need to deal with and face.

I did not truly hate my sister. I was hurt because I felt as though she hated me. Same with my grandmother.

Hate is usually a cover for hurt, not always but usually.

If this is having a large impact on your life, I would suggest you seek counseling.

Though you may love your child, you may be surprised what any kind of self loathing will teach him (or her, but I thought you said him).

You must first love yourself, before you can love your father. Imagine part of yourself still being that little girl, and wrapping your arms of love around her. Let her know that everything is alright.

Your father is not in control anymore. Though I can understand why, you "hating" him and letting that hate eat you up is allowing the past memory of him to eat away at your self worth.

Hate, requires energy. If you feel it, understand it, and release it......it can no longer feed. As I mentioned, in most cases it is a "cover" for something else.

Here's a little bit of information, most everyone does whatever they need to survive. Most of us do not struggle for food on a daily basis (in the US) but survival is still a very big motivation behind our actions, whether it be mental/emotional/physical survival.

There is more that can be said, but it takes a little feedback, and as I said, if this is more than just a "vent" I suggest you get some kind of counseling.

As adults, we control what we are exposed to & I'm thinking that that is ok with God too. That doesn't mean you don't love your dad. If you didn't it wouldn't hurt so much.

It's ok to admit that some relationships are toxic. You can love people & still keep a safe distance if they continue in destructive behaviors that hurt you or those you love.

Saying this, when the time is right God will soften your heart with new insights & perspective into your father as He did my mom. As a result my relationship with her changed forever. It IS possible. God does bring peace for all involved. It's true & a real blessing. You'll see. Keep hoping & don't despair.