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| Topic: VERBAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS | |
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Edited by
No1sLove
on
Thu 07/10/08 06:16 AM
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate. Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!" Abusers have a need to control others around them, break the cycle, stop the abuse! Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Are we in Kindergarten learning something here ?.  . 
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No1sLove,
darlin', I wish it was that easy... verbal abuse is slow in coming and you can't always tell that you are being verbally abused at first. And by the time its all said and done, you feel like you are the crazy one. I have in two different relationships that were verbally abusive and one that was physically abusive at times. You know me, I'm strong and independent. I was the same way when I was younger and swore up and down that the first time a guy hit me... I was gone and he would be lucky if I didn't beat him down. But it happens, the best thing that anyone can do for someone that is any abusive relationship is to offer the help and walk away. Not completely walk away, but don't involve yourself directly. If that person is willing to leave then they will come to you. But believe me, if they don't when they do leave they will look back and greatly appreciate you being there. |
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Edited by
No1sLove
on
Thu 07/10/08 06:51 AM
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No1sLove, darlin', I wish it was that easy... verbal abuse is slow in coming and you can't always tell that you are being verbally abused at first. And by the time its all said and done, you feel like you are the crazy one. I have in two different relationships that were verbally abusive and one that was physically abusive at times. You know me, I'm strong and independent. I was the same way when I was younger and swore up and down that the first time a guy hit me... I was gone and he would be lucky if I didn't beat him down. But it happens, the best thing that anyone can do for someone that is any abusive relationship is to offer the help and walk away. Not completely walk away, but don't involve yourself directly. If that person is willing to leave then they will come to you. But believe me, if they don't when they do leave they will look back and greatly appreciate you being there. Reminders like this might help someone to think about the trends in their relationship and question them if they seem off kilter...just maybe. Don't you think? Knowledge is power, but I do realize that exercising it is a whole other issue as well. 
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I personally feel that the biggest prevention to any kind of
relationship abuse is to have a healthy self-esteem and know what a healthy relationship is. All to often, we don't have examples of what a healthy relationship looks like and due to life experience we may not know our own self-worth. Just like all social issues, there are a number of different factors that pay into whether or not someone gets involved in an abusive relationship. Things that everyone should know or keep in mind about getting into relationships: 1. Red flags: past patterns of a potential partner, criminal history, drug use/abuse history, mental health history, non-monogamous dating patterns, lifestyle (partier, drinker, anti-social), family history of conflict [yes, people change, but not over night! it takes years of counseling and professional help for individuals with above issues to cope and deal with them] 2. Knowing yourself: I have said this and I will continue to say it.... You cannot expect anyone to love you if you first dont love yourself. If you are desparately seeking a relationship, you will end up in a desparate relationship. [Only you can fill your own voids, not a person or things can do that] 3. You are your own person, and should be able to stand on your own two feet at all times! [Co-dependency will leave you down a dangerous path!] |
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i love abuse, makes me feel all warm inside
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I personally feel that the biggest prevention to any kind of relationship abuse is to have a healthy self-esteem and know what a healthy relationship is. All to often, we don't have examples of what a healthy relationship looks like and due to life experience we may not know our own self-worth. Just like all social issues, there are a number of different factors that pay into whether or not someone gets involved in an abusive relationship. Things that everyone should know or keep in mind about getting into relationships: 1. Red flags: past patterns of a potential partner, criminal history, drug use/abuse history, mental health history, non-monogamous dating patterns, lifestyle (partier, drinker, anti-social), family history of conflict [yes, people change, but not over night! it takes years of counseling and professional help for individuals with above issues to cope and deal with them] 2. Knowing yourself: I have said this and I will continue to say it.... You cannot expect anyone to love you if you first dont love yourself. If you are desparately seeking a relationship, you will end up in a desparate relationship. [Only you can fill your own voids, not a person or things can do that] 3. You are your own person, and should be able to stand on your own two feet at all times! [Co-dependency will leave you down a dangerous path!]
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For the men 40 & over, this is a big subject.
We were born to an era, where verbal & intimadative abuse, was considered normal. Especially in the more physical working class. Many of these men, never went to college & had started working at a young age, working with even older men, that considered these forms of life totally normal. I "WAS" & still can be very abusive in these manners. Almost cost me my second marriage. We got help, I learned & took control of me. So when talking on this subject, please remember that education is the biggest tool to stop this, that I know of. I didn't realize & it took some serious matters to get me to slow down & realize. I am very thankful to the counselors tha got thru to me. They had a hard nut to crack. |
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Thanks for sharing Oldsage
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Yes! Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
kudos for you to change!
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse... Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Am I missing something here? No one denies that abuse is wrong, but let's look at it on a case-by-case basis, shall we, instead of issuing blanket definitions that anyone who "orders" (as defined by not saying please and thank you) another person (assumed to be their significant other) is abusive. Half-truths are abusive! For exampe: "I am better than you", when "at scratching between my butt cheeks" is omitted. By the way, while loving yourself is a good thing, it is not a substitute for the love of another. You are so worth THAT! Usually it comes down to taking the bad with the good or giving them both up. Condsidering the staggering divorce rate, I think it's safe to assume that many people are removing themselves rather than addressing their problems. |
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse... Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Am I missing something here? No one denies that abuse is wrong, but let's look at it on a case-by-case basis, shall we, instead of issuing blanket definitions that anyone who "orders" (as defined by not saying please and thank you) another person (assumed to be their significant other) is abusive. Half-truths are abusive! For exampe: "I am better than you", when "at scratching between my butt cheeks" is omitted. By the way, while loving yourself is a good thing, it is not a substitute for the love of another. You are so worth THAT! Usually it comes down to taking the bad with the good or giving them both up. Condsidering the staggering divorce rate, I think it's safe to assume that many people are removing themselves rather than addressing their problems. Guess you did miss something, missed the fact that this was not to be taken personally, just passing on information I received. Glad it didn't/doesn't pertain to you, on a case by case basis. To those which this does apply, good luck, you are so worth it (a lot of people lose either self value, self esteem). Worth time and effort to love oneself first; if unable to love oneself one is incapable of loving another soul. |
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WellHiThen,
The key sentence in the ordering part is 'It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.' Thats when it become verbal abuse. Asking someone to do something, is different than ordering someone to do it regardless if a please and thank you are involved. Yes, individuals needs to take responsiblity for their own actions. Not all divorces end b/c of abuse. Yes individuals say mean and hurtful things in relationships. And yes relationships become unhealthy and end in divorce. However, when one of the partners is using control tactics and humiliation then that is an abusive relationship. Granted there is a fine line between unhealthy and abuse, but those that are in abusive relationships need to know that they should never be abused, ordered around, or hurt. They are not responsible for the actions of their abuser. But they are responsible for their choices to remain or leave that situation. |
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate. Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!" Abusers have a need to control others around them, break the cycle, stop the abuse! Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Are we in Kindergarten learning something here ?. . Did someone get up on the wrong side of the bed? If you don't like what someone posts, then the simple answer is...don't respond to it!!!  This is your opinion . You owe me nothing and I owe nothing . The least I want from you is a piece of an advice . |
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate. Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!" Abusers have a need to control others around them, break the cycle, stop the abuse! Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Are we in Kindergarten learning something here ?. . Did someone get up on the wrong side of the bed? If you don't like what someone posts, then the simple answer is...don't respond to it!!! This is your opinion . You owe me nothing and I owe nothing . The least I want from you is a piece of an advice . now now either play nice or get out of the sand box  You're replying to a post on the internet makes it available for the public to respond, just as you did. |
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Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate. Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!" Abusers have a need to control others around them, break the cycle, stop the abuse! Remove yourself, love yourself, you are so worth it!!! Are we in Kindergarten learning something here ?. . Did someone get up on the wrong side of the bed? If you don't like what someone posts, then the simple answer is...don't respond to it!!! This is your opinion . You owe me nothing and I owe nothing . The least I want from you is a piece of an advice . now now either play nice or get out of the sand box You're replying to a post on the internet makes it available for the public to respond, just as you did. My point is very clear you do not have to like the topic to answer it . Look how rude she was and you said nothing at all . |
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correct one can respond to any topic
dont take things personally, shrug them off (she may have taken your comment re: kindergarden the same) |
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i have been in a verbal abuse relationship and it isnt fun at all
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i have been in a verbal abuse relationship and it isnt fun at all sorry to hear sexi_phat - how'd you cope? |
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 (((fran)))
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