well it is give and take

the problem i see is it takes commitment and work too make a relationship last and most people lately are too lazy to commit or even understand what commitment is

Agreed. And, the commitment, or priorities need to be in order, too, I know.

if both of you are not working towards a common goal then you are destine to not succeed

yea
i have no doubt that i try
i give a lot i just cant commit to anything longer than a month or 2 if that
that and when i girl says i love u i **** my pants and run

peekinin is trying to e-mail me and its not showing up here at mingle2.....

awwww

You Sometimes there can be a difference between the express goal and the implicit. The implicit is not always communicated to the other partner.

You are young. Perhaps it is far too early for you to be entering into long-term relationships at this time? Just a thought.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm 'high maintenance' in the attention department too -- if my expectations for regular contact are unrealistic and unfair. I give so much of myself to every new relationship (platonic or otherwise) and often feel let down b/c my efforts do not seem to be reciprocated. I've started to require more of the men who want to be in my life - and while I'm not sure if that will pay off long-term, I just know I can't continue to feel disappointed by their lack of initiative. I got out of a marriage b/c I was ignored ... this time around MUST be different, or I'll choose to be alone - much easier than being lonely in a relationship, imo.

Maybie try a differnt approach then?

I'd your input ... seriously! (male perspective always welcome and appreciated)

I can relate to much of what you say. I made that same promise to myself, years ago - and have stuck to it.

And, just to clarify for purposes of the thread, I wasn't talking about excessive attention, just a daily call and a reasonable amount of visits for any couple planning cohabitation and/or marriage.

Emotional unavailability. Yes it is lonely....been there done that got the t shirt!!! I dont think you have to be in constant contact with the person, as they can have different things on the go, but being ignored everyday.......I dont put up with!!!

I agree with so much of what you write, angel, and always appreciate your honesty and gentle manner on the forum. I'm not looking for someone to dote on me and shower me with non-stop affection/attention, in fact, the slightest, smallest efforts often are the most heart-warming ... a 2 line email to say "I'm super busy, but you're never far from my thoughts" would put a smile on my face and be all the reassurance I'd need.

I'm afraid that in the past I've taken 'understanding, flexible and accomodating to ridiculous lengths -- and then wondered why I feel used; that's a pattern I'm trying to break. I see the best in people, I treat people the way I want to be treated and I'm ridiculously hopeful that things can/will work out - so too often in the past I've settled for much, much less than I want and need. Balance is key - and I'm working on it ... learning, learning, always learning!

Oftentimes, we keep repeating patterns that feel like "love" to us because that is what we experienced or witnessed early on in life. Or perhaps our very first love relationships were like that. Who knows why people repeat patterns. For some, it may be that they are trying to "make it right or fix it this time" - the repetition compulsion; to others, it is what feels familiar, safe, passionate, like love at first. Many of us are emotionally unavailable ourselves, so these kinds of partners seem "safer". They seem to give us the space we need. Unfortunately, it is not the mutuality that genuine love springs from.

Many of us are older. We are not changing anytime soon and we must adjust our expectations to what is realistic for us to attain and give in terms of mutuality. In terms of interdependence. Finding that balance is so precarious. Not too much dependence, not too little. Some of us aren't changing our ways any time soon. Too much time has passed. How do we strike a happy medium? Find a satisfactory balance. We are all perfect in our imperfection. It is really just about finding the best fit, the best match for each one of us in our perfect imperfection. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Whether or not we ever find them is the question.

Well, i think most girls that are considered 'goth' are hot. Thing is, almost all of them have tons of issues. Every time i talked to, dated one, the issues would come up. I could try to be supportive, and understanding, either way, in the end, it fell apart. I dont go for goth chicks anymore. It's much safer to find a girl who i like, and doesn't have those types of issues, and just ask her to dress up like that once in a while. Even if she didnt, it wouldn't be that big a sacrafice.

I dont think girls are any differnt then guys in this. If a girl goes after quite guys, chances are he wont talk to them. Either find something else to do where you dont feel lonely, like have lots of a friends you hang out with and keep the type of guys your attracted to, or try a differnt type of guy. Case in point. My friend is a model. She's always dated cute guys who wear baseball caps, or older refined men. She kept getting her heart broken. A couple of our friends and I joked that she should try dating a nerd. She tried it for the heck of it. They got married within a year, have 2 kids, one on the way, and are all in all very very happy. She use to vent about guys only wanting sex, and always hanging out with there friends, now she complains about him not going out as much and that he acts like a know it all.

I once asked her if she was happy with the trade in flaws. She just smiled and said even though he doesn't go out that much, it means i never have to be home alone.

I'm not exactly the typical guy. So i'm not sure if that helps. I hope it does though.

I was researching love one time (yea total nerd) and came upon this essay on love vs infatuation. It seems with infatuation girls tend to find guys that posses the negative qualitys of there father, where guy find girls that posses the negative qualitys of there mother. It got me to thinking, because some of the girls i've talked to, i've heard myself or them saying wow, you sound alot like my mother/father, instead of 'thats new, i defently respect that'.

Ah, but isn't it ironic that we can feel loneliest when we are surrounded by others, yet be perfectly serene and content when we are alone in life.

I never felt lonely many of the years I was alone. I have felt very lonely in my past marriage and in certain relationships.

Peccy had a thread on whether intimacy was vital to a relationship. I cannot go for months and years without touch (any kind of touch); and, I cannot go for days or weeks without emotional interconnectedness on some level. Basic human needs.

Nay, I am still in one. We both don't give one another the attention that we deserve.