I innately knew God before I was old enough to be influenced by logic or reason.

However, my parents were of the Christian faith, so as I grew they taught me the Biblical view of God, and Jesus. I had no reason to doubt them as a child. After all they were telling me this stuff as though they knew it was true so why shouldn’t I believe them? I trusted them to be honest and know what they are talking about.

I didn’t see this as a change from the God I already innate knew. I just figured that this was additional information. I thought I was simply being taught the known history of God. Something I obviously could not innately know. I always was taught that Jesus was the Son of God, which again didn’t seem to be a problem at that young age. So God has a Son. That’s interesting, but didn’t fly in the face of my belief that I already knew God anyway.

However, as I grew and learned more and more about the religion, and even accepted God’s Son, into my life. Things started making less and less sense. I was taught that the more you study the Bible the more you will learn about God. Well just the opposite happened for me. The more I studied the Bible the less sense it made. In fact, it got to the point where it became utterly absurd. I finally had no choice but to cast it aside as being totally unbelieving.

Innately on the deepest level this was not devastating for me. I knew God before I was introduced to the Bible. So when I finally realized that the Bible was the wrong picture of God that’s precisely how I viewed it. Quite simply the wrong picture. Nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t mean to imply that it was this easy. I was introduced to the biblical picture for about 10 or 15 years of my life. I swallowed it hook line and sinker. I was convinced that it was the true picture (not because of the story itself, but because this is what other people were telling me) People I trusted!

It then took me another 10 or 15 years to recover from the disaster. It wasn’t by any means an overnight thing. We’re talking basically the first 30 years of my life being spent on this whole mess.

But when I was finally cleared of it I still had the same God with me that I had before I get into the mess in the first place. It was just never the Christian God to begin with. It was my real actual creator. The Real McCoy.

Then I continued to search for other religions and philosophies that best describe the God that I innate know. I found pantheism to be the closest term to describe the real living God. However, I even hesitate to use that term because so many people use it in so many different ways.

I probably should just say that I have found some pantheistic pictures that best describe the God I know. I don’t think it’s important to have a perfectly clear intellectual picture of God anyway. I’ve always known God as spirit not as intellect anyway. The only reason we try to find intellectual pictures is for the purpose of explaining the idea to other people.

I don’t need an intellectual picture of God to know what God means to me.

The only thing I can say with absolute confidence is that the biblical picture is definitely not the correct picture of God. And the only reason I even bother to mention this is because that was the picture I was deceived by.

I just listen to the voices in my head.

Makes a lot of sense. You don't have to goto church to know that you are close to god and know he's real.

Early childhood: 1. Went to sunday school. 2. Also to library programs, read children's books about myths and legends of other cultures. 3. Had an strong connection to the moon even then.

Jr. High: 1. Moved on from myths and legends to archeaology, anthropology, sociology. 2. Also started reading other historical texts from around the world.

High School. 1. Moved on to comparative religion, interest in alternative ideas and theories of various things.

College, started reading about Wicca and Paganism and attending church services. Realized some things made more sense than others. That I believed that the shape of religion is different based on cultures and environment of the area they developed in.

Came to believe that 'religions' are man made to try to explain common spiritual truths. Recognized that 'religions' were used as a basic 'governmental' structure to control societies.

I eventually went from christianity influenced by other beliefs to paganism influenced by christianity and finally ended up with my own set of beliefs that make the world make sense to me.

I'm surprised at the goddesses and gods that became most influential and important to me. Not what I would have thought if I just sat down one day and decided to pick my own.

I was raised by a devout mom whose 7/24 lifestyle is that of a christian.

When the time came to choose I looked around, studying every faith that was in reach. Disillusion in organized religion set in and kept me away for years, though I lived my life trying to do the 'right thing' as she'd taught. you know "raise up a boy in the way that is right, even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it'.

Well, . . . let's just say that several oats, and wanderings from the path later, HE found me when life was balancing debts the hard way. For the very first time in my life I personally felt him.

I still don't go to church every single day, and still don't think there is one religion, and I don't thump bibles on anyone head, but I do strongly believe there is but one god and though life is filled with both challenges and rewards - He is still in charge with his universe proceeding well according to His plan or by His hand.

" It's my tears "


I awoke this morning,only to find so many questions in my mind,
I couldn't help but wonder,I couldn't help but ask,
Lord why the war,why the suffering, why the pain,
Why have you forgotten us,
Can you see us through the rain,
I heard him answer clear as day,
I gave you perfection,you threw it away
I gave you my prophets,you sent them away,
I sent you my son,you put him in a grave,
I gave you a brain to use your imagination,
You made weapons and caused destruction,
I gave you health, you chose wealth,
You chose your path,you chose your way don't blame me if its gone astray,
I haven't forgotten you,I help you everyday,
I'm the forgotten,
It's my tears that is the rain.