can offer me some hope that "tough love" works? If you can, I really need the encouragement right about now.

Those of you who know me know that my daughter and I have been through some really rough times these last two years.

To make a VERY long story short, I choose to no longer accept her disrespect and the disrespect of her older brother, my son.

I admit making some poor decisions in their early lives, but is there ever a time to take me off of the cross and cease to throw my mistakes up to me over and over again?

We all carry scars of one degree or another from our childhood, but I believe there should come a time to forgive our parents for what they did, or did not do.

There are exceptions, however, I believe for the most part, we, as parents, do the best we know how to do at the time. When we know better, we do better.

By not accepting the abuse (as I see it) my children have alienated me and will most likely try to "guilt" me into my old way of reacting....lying down and being treated as a door mat.

Dear JSH,
Can these relationships be saved....

Crying alone....

Whispers

Any love is better than no love.

It is painful either way.............

Granted, I don't know the whole story, but generally when folks keep bringing up the past deeds of others it is to take the focus off of their own deeds and the guilt trip allows them to continue to do so. Time to break the pattern. Best of luck to you.

I don't know what to tell you than to give you a ray of hope, because if I could rebuild a relationship with my parents, I believe anyone can find a way if their heart is in it. I truly believe that.

(((Whispers))) Tough love DOES work. You have to stick to your guns. Don't let them guilt you into something you don't want. If you do, they will have won, again.My best friend went thru A LOT with her daughter while she was growing up. Too much to put here. They were estranged for a while, but now get along and the daughter understands, now, that she was a pain in the a$$. Good luck to you, hang in there.

Tough love does work as long as they know that they are loved. You are not alone.

Unfortunatly there is no time limit on how long it takes for them to get over whatever it is they are dealing with from childhood. I wish I could tell you something that would make it easier for you to deal with also, but you can be the rock in their life that they need no matter how or what they do. Don't look at their actions as abuse look at them as testing your love for them, that's why they act out.

Thank you so much, lilbug. I so appreciate your comment. They say time heals all wound, but even time cannot heal a wound which is continuously broken open.

No1slove: I pray through tears as always that we can become a healthy family and love one another, warts and all. Thank you.

Dearest Whispers ...
A child absolutely MUST know that you will love them NO MATTER WHAT!! Vrying degrees of parental acceptance, including lack of it, have pushed our youth into crime and self destruction for as long as there's been history.
They MUST know you respect them as people. Respect is one of those things you cannot just expect others to give - it must be earned. I believe parents forget this when it applies to their own children. If you are pushed into some sort of reprimand, remember to sandwich any negativity between two applicable positive statements. EX: I understand you are not feeling well today dear. Your room has to be clean BEFORE the party tonight - or you will not go. I did notice you've spent some time tidying your bookshelf - it looks great! <kissesnhugs>
No backing down, no exceptions. Positive reaction creates positive pro-active behavior - while the firmness they will see and the steadfastness of your love, will allow them to rest emotionally. They will be able to relax knowing you will not change - they'll know what to expect - and never doubt you love them.

Just MHO

Wishing you luck in this - it's worth the effort!!!

First off let me start off by saying that if you have hurt your children in an abusive way (whether hands on or by exposing them to drug abuse or alcohol abuse, and they haven't reached a point to where they are ready to forgive, then you will have to wait until they can do that.

However if they are using it against you and throwing it up in your face just to get what they want, then you need to put a stop to it. Just because you have made mistakes in the past, doesn't give your children the right to disrespect you and throw a guilt trip on you so they can get what they want.

As you stated already "I believe for the most part, we, as parents, do the best we know how to do at the time. When we know better, we do better." And that is absolutely true. And I also think that you know in your heart what is the right thing to do, but it you're just going to have to buckle down and do it. But I think you can.

Good Luck!!

hang in there sunshine. Yes there is a time to forgive your parents, but they have to be mature enough, on their own and make some big mistakes of their own first. Then they will realise that you did what you did for the best at the time. They are testing you and pushing you to your limits. I hate to say it this way, but its just a game to them. Dont take it personal when they try to guilt you in to being a doormat. They will be angry and some day they will get over it. Or not, a counselor once told me," You are the parent,you make the decisions, end of story." I am praying for ya.

Have been doing tough love with my daughter for over 30 yrs. Can't respect me, don't ask for money. Yes it hurts, but I am what I am.
Son turned out great & she just won't get the message.

all you can do is hope that your kids realize you are a person too and did the best you could with what you had, and yes you are human and as a human you make mistakes. all you can do is learn from them and make better choices in the future, the kids need to know that what you did or didnt do was because you thought it was the best for them at the time. hang in it gets better, as they get older..

you certainly can save your dignity......


the relationship...???? only time will tell

I cannot thank you each and every one for your kind words. I have read your comments/suggestions/experiences over and over. This is so painful. I just wish I could hold them in my arms as I did when they were little.

I'm afraid that a kiss from Mommy just doesn't do the trick any more. I wish it did.

They will prayerfully understand before it is too late. I am not trying to be a drama queen, but seriously, because of my love for them, I don't want them to realize how much they love and need me when I am no longer here. That does happen all too often.

Oh how true the saying, "When they are little they step on your feet. When they are grown, they step on your heart."

Oh time........please rush............

The thing about tough love that you have to remember is boundaries. Respectful boundaries are needed in all situations in our life. Tough love requires that you put those boundaries to the forefront until they are respected and then you can move onto other issues.

You cannot be afraid that the children will not love you for the tough love, you cannot be afraid of losing their respect in tough love, you cannot show any fear at all of what you do.

It is as basic as you can get. You will respect me or you will stop recieving from me all that you do not even realize I do for you now.

It works. I did it for mine. It still took a long while for them to get it but it was the only way I could get from them the respect that I deserved. Some children will continue to blame you for whatever they can lay on you and make stick so you have to have a ducks back and let it slide off, realizing they don't know what they are talking about anyway, they are not seeing clearly. If they can rattle you they will say just about anything to push your buttons, that is why you have to take that weapon away from them.

Dragoness: Thanks for the encouragement. I sure need to hear the success stories over again. It is just extremely hard to be objective at this point.

I get stuck on the defeating Shudda, Couldda, Wouldda's. Wrong, I know. One cannot look forward if always looking behind.

Funny how I can give advice all day long, but find it difficult to take even the BEST advice...my own.

I have always said, "Take the advice that you would give your very best friend." I need to heed my own advice and have faith it will all work out as it is supposed to in the grand scheme of things.

I believe that God is STILL in control, though I am not.

Listen you can not change other people and the choices they make.There are times where you have to put your well being 1st.It sounds like the people you are speaking of are not beibg a positive influence in your life.I've experience people like this you just move on knowing you tried your best and maybe oneday they will wise up and understand just how much it hurt the way they treated you

if she's old enough to not be your legal responsibility anymore, throw her out. she'll learn to appreciate what she had when she discovers the world isnt going to put up with her $hit the way mommy did.

my two cents....