Hi, so.. the last several years have been just one big emotional roller coaster for me. In 2018-19 time, my ex and i split.. but we hadn’t even been sexually active with each other for a couple years at that point.. it had just run its course. Since then…I’m now going into my later 40s. I’ve denied and completely ran from any kind of emotional connection with anyone since. (I was hurt in pretty much every relationship I’ve ever been in.. so it all hit me at once).
I hide behind my computer all day. I game. And that is literally my social life for years now. It’s safe. But i don’t know if something is wrong with me or what. I get my flirt on with gamers.. but the minute they start saying, i want to meet you..i unfriend them or find a way to just not talk to them anymore. I have such a fear of being intimate in any way. And frankly i don’t really care about it but at the same time i question why i don’t bc it was so big for me back in the day.. but for me now.,i haven’t been with anyone intimately since Nov 2017.. not even a kiss. I’ve been depressed for years now but the thought of trying to start something with someone makes my anxiety go thru the roof and i just go and hide behind my computer again. Yet, I’m so alone and i know that’s causing or not helping my depression at all. I find myself making excuses of why i can’t be with anyone.. but what it all boils down to is I don’t like myself i think and i don’t want to put that on anyone else ever again. But why the 0 sex drive??? Why do i have no desire/or why do i have such a fear i should say…of the thought of being intimate with someone to the point where i just feel like im wasting away in a pit of hopelessness.. i was never like this before. I was your typical Leo, talkative, bright, center of attention type of girl who just always wanted to have a good time. And now I’m not even the same person.. all bc of the trauma in my past relationships and life in general that i had a breakdown.. but 5 years later?? I can’t snap out of it. I honestly don’t know what to do.. I’m scared. I’m lonely as hell in every way.. and ya, i just need advice. Or something.
Sorry this was so long.. you only got the tip of the iceberg but thanks for reading :)

Jayme