I wish I looked 48.

A little boy is sitting on the front steps of the church with a bottle of turpentine. He is swishing it around in the glass bottle, just watching the bubbles when the priest sits down next to him with a small bottle of holy water.

"Son, did you know this is the most powerful substance known to man?" the priest asks.

"Really?" asked the boy. "What can it do?"

The priest answers."Why, if you spread this on the belly of a pregnant woman, she'll pass a healthy child."

The boy replied."Sorry padre, but thats nothing. If you spread some of this on a cats a**, he can pass a motorcycle!"

Agreed, but being new here, I didn't want to walk in with the big guns blazin'. Better to test the water a little, right?

Two guys were sitting on the front porch drinking beer when one notices a dog licking his ba**s on the front lawn.

"Dang, I wish I could do that." one says

The other replies "You better not, that dog'll bite you!"

I'll not reveal my opinion regarding the death penalty, though I have one like everyone else.

If advocates of the death penalty started stating that it DID deter felons, I would ask them the same thing.

How can you know that?

Single malt scotch

Pink Floyd music

Single malt scotch...oops

Irish Spring soap

I would return to the scene of the crime, the offending thread, and poat an apology there. Seems right to me.

I can barely get along with one woman at a time, why in he** would I make it two against one?

Maybe she is a professional student, or a test pilot for "Hooked on Phonics" some one has to test that stuff you know

I think the word you are looking for is dinigraderate or perhaps dinigraderation

The funny thing was, she posted no pic.

Interests:
I never been truly in love; never met the right one (although thought I did once; in & out of love). I admit I was naive and just settled. I'm attractive, not overweight, and Italian/German. People say I look somewhat like Julia Roberts, Celine Dion, & Shannen Doherty. I'm content with myself, a positive person and make the best of any situation. I'm basically a happy person, but I can be happier with the right one. You should be too so you can positively, participate and share yourself in a relationship. Please, no babies which means NO: tantrums, spitefulness, anger problems, uptightness, bitterness towards women, numerous insecurities, or needs reassurance all the time. I just prefer a pleasant, simple, drama free life (so no drama kings); a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not create chaos. I'm not high maintenance nor a material girl. I have a daughter whom lives out of my home and goes to college. I'm not seeking someone perfect, but rather perfect for me. That said, I'm only interested in someone with hopefully most of "my" qualities, which means I have all of the following qualities too: NOT NEEDY OR SMOTHERING (you want a mate, but do not need one), INDEPENDENT, MONOGAMOUS/FAITHFUL (a one-on-one relationship), RESPECTFUL (treat one as you want to be treated, like I do), KIND, OPEN MINDED/NOT STUBBORN/EASY-GOING, VALUES/MORALS/TRADITIONAL, AFFECTIONATE, CARING, A GIVER, A SENSE-OF-HUMOR, FUN, not sarcastic, HONEST/TRUSTWORTHY, GREAT COMMUNICATION SKILLS, NOT OVERLY JEALOUS, NOT A CONTROL FREAK, NO MENTAL PROBLEMS (like bi-polar, schizophrenic, A.D.D., crazy, etc.), NO DISEASES, ATTRACTIVE, CAUCASIAN, not broke or in debt, NOT OVERWEIGHT (or oversize muscle man), 5'8" to 6'1"....if you are 5'8" no more than 160 pounds and 6'1" no more than 185 pounds (so just add 5 pounds an inch after 5'8" LOL),....NOT BALD or HALF BALD (nice hair), prefer no gray or white hair, kept groomed (no beard or mustache), no excessive body hair, NICE SMILE/TEETH, NON-SMOKER, NON-DRUG USER, NON-ALCOHOLIC, CLEAN (your body, home, car), NON-SNORER (no sleeping disorder), NOT SWEAT TOO MUCH (that disorder), GREAT IN BED (finish up), NO SEXUAL DISFUNCTIONS/HANDICAPS (like ding-a-ling or back problems), have STAMINA (sexually too), HEALTHY, MUST KNOW HOW TO (and want to) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (both inside and out), good hygiene, NO PETS, live alone, no ex's engaged in your life, somewhat ORGANIZED, capable of cleaning up after yourself, cooking for yourself, doing your laundry, and your grocery shopping. Sorry, I'm not into being my partner's Mom or Maid (I'm seeking a mate, not a child or job). I know this is much, but if you don't ask you don't get, and I don't need to waste anymore time with Mr. Wrong. :)~
If you lie about anything in your profile, especially if you smoke, your weight, height, or age (that it's so obvious); I will know when we meet silly. Not okay to start a potential relationship with deceit.
Now that I'm wiser, experienced, older and out of my 20's & 30's, I intend the next gentleman to be my last.
If you are not serious about finding "Miss Right" then please don't respond; I'm not here to play games or e-mail forever.
If I ever choose to get married, I will only do it once, that is "only if" I'm fortunate enough to find my "Mr. Really Right."
Sorry, I seem so blunt and my profile is so long, but since many people (especially online) are dishonest or play games, all this has to be said so I won't waste my time, and I rather be with myself enjoying my own company than with the wrong/fake person.



I wanted to stick my head in the oven and she wasn't even talking to me

Thank you diamond. Hiya there Kim.


Kim sent me flowers! Kim sent me flowers!

People kept telling me to get more pics. But when you get a bunch of dumba** guys together with a camera, it's like an egg in a monkey cage. Yeah, I think we broke it. But we did download the pics. What do you think?

At least a smaller beer

I went to college down the road from Austin. That took self-control.

Lostin Austin

Do any of you remember a show "Heartland"? It had Brian Keith in it. Only on for 1 season I think but it was a scream. Maybe I was the only one that thought so, hence the one season part.

lemonade

Mother mother ocean
I've heard your call
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall
You've seen it all.
You've seen it all.

Watched the men that rode you
switch from sails to steam
and in you belly you hold the treasures
few have ever seen
Most of them dreams
Most of them dreams

Yes I am a pirate
200 years too late
The cannons don't thunder
There's nothing to plunder
I'm an over 40 victim of fate
Arriving too late
Arriving too late

And I 've done a bit of smugglin'
And I've run my share of grass
Made enough money to buy Miami
But I pissed it away so fast
Never meant to last
Never meant to last

Now I have been drunk now
for over 2 weeks
I passed out and I rallied
and I sprung a few leaks
but I gotta stop wishin'
I gotta go fishin'
Down at Rock Bottom again
With just a few friends
With just a few friends

Mother mother ocean
after all the years I've found
my occupational hazard is,
my occupation's just not around
Feel like i've drowned
Gonna head up town.
Feel like i've drowned
Gonna head uptown.


A Pirate Looks at Forty

Jimmy Buffett