My mother.....called me a drunk ***** 3 times tonight....because someone from the bar sent a text to her phone, she didn't know who it was, she answered, used all her minutes.

3 weeks ago she said she was gonna kick my ass.....


I didn't realize moms were like that...


and she kicked me out tonight...because of the text...



SHE'S INSANE!!!!!!

wow...that seems familiar...I feel like I may have posted that before
;)

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."








Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the
same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy
receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys
are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the
other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the
man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father
blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma
day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and
say, `How longa you gonna be?'"






I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:

They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.

I can't take credit for this...I stole it from Myspace.

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.





Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me.



Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.



I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.



My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.





Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

hehe
you guys are silly

has anyone heard of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum?

I recommend it to all of you...amazing musicians

what concert?

awake...watching the break-up with my ma

what's the position? I don't know MUCH about football, but it's the only sport that I watch religiously, so I may have something to offer....

single

hey hey...Im new to this crowd also...hope Im cool enough

some people just don't like to accept defeat...or however you want to put it.
I just know that weather I wanted to hear it at the time or not, if any of my friends (close or otherwise) have said someone wasn't right for me...and I didn't listen, I regreted it later.
At least if you get out while it's still civil there is a chance to salvage some sort of friendship...if that's what you want.

I personally don't think you should have to make a choice....one of two things are happening here...

1. you have a good thing going with SO...if that's the case, your friend will be supportive...

2. Your SO is a douche bag, and your friend is only trying to protect you....

either way, you can either have the time with each of them be seperate, or figure out what the problem is, and try to resolve it....

gee....you guys sure are swell


*I don't really talk like that....all the time