An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light
shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence
for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right
paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our
Lord, Amen."

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I < /FONT>really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your
good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

that was a good one

well..i just love sexy naughty girls

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were both set to square off for the
Olympic gold
medal.

Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, You're
finished"; The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel
hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream; then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him
making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked "how did you ever get
out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed "that's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about
that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me,
I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!,"
says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he
asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence,"says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

i used the patch and quit.but when my crazy wife left i said what the
hell and started again.stupid me.so now im goig to try it again.

they say milk does the body good...but damn girl how much do you drink?

highest=lowest

me+you=us

hen=egg

well it didnt turn out the way i would have liked it to

ok TxsGal..do you loke this one

ok..how about this one

ok..i'll find something else

i had to go take a stress test the other day and man that sucked.my
heart keeps skipping and they dont know why yet.

How is this

ok..ok...How about Willie.Do you all like Willie?

kick his ass killer