DAD: What's 10 plus 10?
SON: I don't know.
DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you. SON : Daddy, if you saw a 1000 DOLLAR note and a 500 DOLLAR note which would you pick?
DAD: 1000 of course
SON : Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose your mother took it,do you?

He said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!"

He sat down and wrote,

Dear mom,

After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing.

I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I'm not saying that you don't take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love,
Mom

A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to drag him to the village square.

Half way to the square, the thief said to the man, "Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I go and get them?"

The farmer obliged, "Hurry up! I would be waiting for you here."

He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled.

He went home and told his elder brother what had happened. His elder brother brutally slapped him and said, "You are extremely dumb! You should have told the thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!"

Get smart or Die foolish! Don't let worthless people rent a space in your life, Increase the Rent, change the Lock and kick them out!

PLS RATE ME

A man for get to zip up his. trousers,so a lady tells him politely,sir ur garage is open. The man gave her a naughty smile as he zip up and ask Did u see my BLACK RANGE ROVER JEEP parked inside? . The lady smile back and says no just one small KEKE-NAPEP with two flat tyres

Hahahah, so funny

While eating lunch, a husband, his wife and their son, the son was eating roughly and the following conversation took place between the father and his son.

FATHER: You're eating like a small pig.
SON: OK daddy.
FATHER: Do you know what a small pig is?
SON: Yes of course, son of a big pig.

DAD: What's 10 plus 10?
SON: I don't know.
DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you.

SON: Daddy, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick?
DAD: 1000 of course
SON: Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you.

Dear Sir,

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
I refer to the recent death of the accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead accountant.

Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so i quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying.

Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his obituary as proof of vacancy.

You can't swerve me this time. Give me the job.

Thank you,
Yours Truly,
Kweku Boateng.

ANGELS: Father! We are tired of these Nigerians in heaven.
GOD: What have they done this time?

ANGEL: Everything! They don't listen to instructions! They don't obey traffic rules! They don't wait for their turn in anything! They are completely reckless! (Exasperated) In fact they have made heaven a living hell since they got here.
GOD: Then we better send them to hell! (Calls the Devil). Hello..
SATAN: Hello God, call me later. There's an issue I'm trying to resolve.

Ten minutes later:

GOD: Hello Lucifer.
SATAN: I'll call you back. The issue has turned into a crisis.

An hour later:

SATAN: Hello?
GOD: What's going on over there?
SATAN: It's the Nigerians I have with me in hell! (He stammers), they... they... they have quenched the fire in hell and installed air conditioners!

A plane was about to crash and there were only four parachutes on the plane. Meanwhile there were five people on it. The first person, Lionel Messi, said, "I'm the world's best footballer right now, I cant die now!"

So he took one of the parachutes and left. The second person, Aliko Dangote, said, "I'm the richest man in Africa, I can't die now, I'm needed in Africa!"

So he took the second parachute and left. The third was the Nigerian President and he said, "I'm the smartest President in the world, so I cant die now, my people still need me!"

So he took one and left.

Then it was left with the Pope and a little school girl. The Pope said to the little girl, "Take the last one, I'll sacrifice my life for you."

The little girl replied, "No need for that, There are two parachutes left."

The pope asked her, "How come?"

The little girl replied, "The Nigerian President took my school bag."

There was a group of men gathered at a church conference on "how to live in a loving relationship with your wife".
The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?"

All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?"

Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn't remember. The men were then told to take their cellphones and send the following text to their respective wife; "I love you, sweetheart..."

Then the men were told to exchange phones so one can read the other wife's reply to the love message. Here are some of the replies:

1. Have you impregnated someone again?
2. That was then, not now!
3. Do u want borrow money?
4. What did you do again I won't forgive you this time?
5. Meaning??
6. Is that a new song??
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today!!!
9. You dis man! I asked you to stop drinking!!!
10. Pls who's this?

Anytime

A man is in a hotel lobby. He is about to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Two young boys were plucking oranges from a tree belonging to an old man, they heard him coming their way and ran away with the ones they had. While the boys tried to run into the cemetery, they found that the gate was locked and they decided to jump over the fence While jumping, two oranges fell from their bag and they left it. When they were safely inside the cemetery, they began to share the oranges. The boys started counting: One for you, one for me. A drunkard passing behind the cemetery heard their voices and ran as fast as he could to the church to tell the priest that he has heard God and Satan sharing Corpses. Then the priest came with the drunkard to the entrance of the cemetery to hear for himself. The boys were still busy counting: One for you, one for me. After they had shared the ones they had, one of the boys asked the other, "What about the two at the gate? Immediately the drunkard and the priest heard this, they took to their heels.

Dear Sir,

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
I refer to the recent death of the accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead accountant.

Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so i quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying.

Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his obituary as proof of vacancy.

You can't swerve me this time. Give me the job.

Thank you,
Yours Truly,
Kweku Boateng.

Akpos was called for an
interview by Chevron based
on his performance while
working for shell.
INTERVIEWER: What is your
current pay at Shell and
what are you looking at
with Chevron?
AKPOS: N9m per annum
plus medical and other
benefits. Considering the
position here in Chevron, I'd
be looking at N20-22m per
annum, a status car,
overseas vacation and
medicals.
INTERVIEWER: Today is your
lucky day! The position
comes with N35m per
annum salary, 2014 Range
Rover Sport as official car,
Mercedes Benz S65 AMG as
status car, overseas medical
treatment. A fully furnished
house here in lekki, health
insurance for your wife and
children, 2 houses to be
built for you in any town of
your choice and in your
village, annual overseas
vacation for you and your
family fully-paid first class,
N2m wardrobe allowance
per annum, cook, steward
and 2 drivers, country club
membership, and you're
entitled to keep all that the
company gives you if you
put in just 3 years of
service...
AKPOS: (in bewildered
excitement) HAAA!!!! Sir, you
must be joking!!!
INTERVIEWER: Of course
I'm joking! Were you not
the one that started it?

Akpos enters a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer:

BARBER: This is the dumbest boy in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a N50 note in one hand and two N10 notes in the other, then calls the boy and asks:

BARBER: Which do you want, boy?

Akpos takes the two N10 notes and leaves.

BARBER: What did I tell you? Akpos never learns!

Minutes later, when the customer left, he sees Akpos coming out of the ice cream store.

CUSTOMER: Akpos, May I ask you a question? Why did you take the N10 notes instead of the N50 note?

Akpos replied, "Because the day I take the fifty naira note, the game is over!"