A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*st*rd bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you ****head, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

A bus full of Nuns is along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, all of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."

Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?"

the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks...

"Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"

"Yes" replies the cop.

He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"

"No" replies the cop.

"Well then," says the man, "I think you're a c**t!"

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her beaver

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked" comes the reply

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Fock" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Sh1t!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c*ck like that."

I fired my secretary the other week . It was my birthday. We went out to lunch, had a few drinks and finally she whispered she had a lovely surprise for me back at her place.

We got there and she told me to wait while she disappeared into the bedroom. She came out a few minutes later holding a big cake followed by my wife, mother in law and three kids all singing happy birthday to you.

There was I, sitting on the sofa. Stark b*ll*ck naked.

The organisers of National Orgasm Week have today suffered a major disappointment.



They discovered that the majority of women who'd participated had only pretended to celebrate.

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."