An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99".

The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99".

Again, the old guy says, "99".

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99".

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three..."

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists findings of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later, a local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Carencro, Louisiana, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to live in Louisiana, don't it?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road South of Basra, when they hear a voice call out from behind a sand dune, "One Louisiana Cajun soldier is better than ten Iraqi soldiers."

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune, where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out, "One Louisiana Cajun soldier is better than one hundred Iraqi soldiers."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Cajun voice calls out again, "One Louisiana Cajun soldier is better than one thousand Iraqi soldiers."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought, then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune, and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

"THE ELITE CAJUN COMMANDOS"
FROM FORT POLK, LA .

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon, a man pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The man guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later the man went back along with his brother and pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away the man said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

His brother replied, "No it isn't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

The Kentucky Department of Labor claimed a small Nelson County farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor Employee: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $ 400 a week plus free room and board."

“Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

Department of Labor Employee: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one."

Farmer: "That would be me."

Two friends were talking one afternoon, and one says to the other,

"You know, I think I'm ready for a lil vacation. But, this year I want to do something different. The last few years, I took your suggestions
about where to go.

Three years ago you said I should go to Hawaii. And I did and my wife got pregnant.

The next year you said I should go to the Bahamas. I did, and she got pregnant again.

Then last year you told me to go to Tahiti. Sure enough, she got pregnant again."

So his friend asks, "What you going to do this year that's different?"

His friend replied, "This year I going to bring my wife with me..."

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Want to find out who loves your more?

Lock both your dog and your spouse in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open it, guess who will be happier to see you?

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?'

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The frickin' undertaker would be my first guess.'

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...







OH, wait... I'm thinking of vodka. Never mind.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!"
Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something s***ty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the s***ty taste out of your mouth."

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. , radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the **** out of me.......


Have a wonderful day ~

This artist goes into the gallery and talks to the owner.

He asks the owner if anyone has inquired about his work.

"Why yes, he says. And I have good news and bad news."

"Oh really? Tell me!"

"Well, a customer came in, looked at your work and asked that when you die if the value of the pieces will go up. I told him yes and he bought every piece!"

"That's GREAT! But, what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is he was your doctor."

For decades, pundits said the New Orleans Saints were so bad that Hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.

On that same Sunday,Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.

This, then, firmly establishes the exact geographical location of Hell.

Geez.....

Years of Math 1959 - 2010

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2. Teaching Math In 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Math In 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990s:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)


6. Teaching Math In 2010:
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Been raising my son on my own for the last 9 yrs... wouldn't trade it for the world.....