LOL Sloopy Pottyshorts

bgeorge your too funny

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.


On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to t he counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each and he gently pinches them.

He pushes both together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze and then removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?


The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"


"I promise I won't." she says.


"I was behind you in line at McDonald's!"

What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

A blond was in her front yard using her hedge trimmer when the tail of her cat accidentally got caught in the blades and it was cut off. The women then took the cat to the closest Walmart store because she heard they were the biggest ReTailer

A clown and a little boy are walking through a cemetery in the middle of the night. They hear a weird and spooky noise off in the darkness. The little boy squeezes the clown's hand and says, "It's dark, and I'm scared". The clown replies, "Hey kid, you think you're scared? I have to walk back out by myself".

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be
millionaires!"

12> "Betty should be down in a minute...she's putting on her cold sore medicine. Say, son, you ever see a real hemorrhoid up close?"

11> It's difficult to set the mood with that distracting red dot from Daddy's scope on his forehead.

10> Mom keeps checking his head for sixes.

9> After quietly bailing you out, they didn't bother sending the Secret Service guys back to get *him* out of jail, too.

8> They just stare at him like they've never seen anyone with a pierced eyeball before.

7> "So, Chris, is it? Listen, funny-boy, if you want to keep dating my little girl, you're gonna have to get a REAL job."

6> You roll in around midnight, and your mother's there waiting at the door with a field sobriety test and a syringe full of penicillin.

5> They didn't even like him when he was *their* high school gym teacher.

4> Every time they smell him coming, they start whistling the "Old Spice" theme.

3> They insist that you go upstairs and change. Into a lesbian.

2> Your dad keeps attaching refrigerator magnets to his face piercings.

1> Dinner was going so well until your father said, "Tell your slut to pass the broccoli."

a guy walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says this is the pig I been screwing and the wife says thats not a pig its a duck, guy says I was talking to the duck