12> "Betty should be down in a minute...she's putting on her cold sore medicine. Say, son, you ever see a real hemorrhoid up close?"

11> It's difficult to set the mood with that distracting red dot from Daddy's scope on his forehead.

10> Mom keeps checking his head for sixes.

9> After quietly bailing you out, they didn't bother sending the Secret Service guys back to get *him* out of jail, too.

8> They just stare at him like they've never seen anyone with a pierced eyeball before.

7> "So, Chris, is it? Listen, funny-boy, if you want to keep dating my little girl, you're gonna have to get a REAL job."

6> You roll in around midnight, and your mother's there waiting at the door with a field sobriety test and a syringe full of penicillin.

5> They didn't even like him when he was *their* high school gym teacher.

4> Every time they smell him coming, they start whistling the "Old Spice" theme.

3> They insist that you go upstairs and change. Into a lesbian.

2> Your dad keeps attaching refrigerator magnets to his face piercings.

1> Dinner was going so well until your father said, "Tell your slut to pass the broccoli."