Life is all wrong!

When I get to heaven (notice I didn’t say if) I’m going to have to discuss the human life with the man upstairs. I’ve given this considerable thought and he’s got it ALL backwards. In my mind here’s how it should work:

We should start out old and get younger. Think about all the benefits of that concept.

1)You’d start out near death and the prognosis would always be for you to get better.

2)All those assisted living and extended stay homes for old folks would go away.

3)I’d have all this retirement money already saved up and I could spend it freely because I know I’m going to go to work in a few years.

4)Alzheimer’s would be a temporary condition.

5)My college grades would be immensely better because I wouldn’t waste all that time learning to shotgun a beer or rolling a tight joint (that’s what my little brother learned in college).

6)All that social security money would be calculated exactly because the government would know how many years I was really going to work.

7)No matter who you are married too, you are assured that they will get better looking.

8)As a man I’d know someday that I am going to get ALL my hair back.

9)There’d be a lot less need for plastic surgeons. Maybe that could do something useful for humanity as doctors?

10)I’d spend my teen years playing ball, sledding, learning to use a sling shot, and wreaking havoc on the neighborhood cat population.

11)Viagra wouldn’t exist because I’d know things were going to come back around and at the other end of the spectrum, well, young boys don’t even like girls.

12)When I do finally get to where I can’t take care of myself, I’d be a baby. Everyone loves babies and would rather take care of them than a wrinkled up old folks.

13)Everyone that lived to be old the other way would die the same way. Hey, I have no problem going out as an orgasm!

I asked Santa for a Black Hummer loaded with chrome.

He gave me a crack whore with braces.

Just my luck!

Bottle of Merlot


Being the gentleman I am I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman I spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," pointing at me.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply note to me. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and brought it to me.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CLS-600 AMG and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

You know the great debate is whether we (men) started out that different than our female counterparts or we evolved to it? I lean towards evolution being a huge factor.

You are a better person than I am. I'd have quit at the no hair and no teeth.

God bless ya!

Craig

I have a good friend that got into internet dating long before I did. He told me this story.

He met a woman online through match.com. They exchanged messages for several days and eventually worked their way up to phone conversations. After a couple of weeks he successfully passed her rigorous screening process and she invited him to her house for dinner. Remember this was several years back before we were all "scared to death" of each other.

She advises him that she'll be cooking an italian dinner so he buys the appropriate bottle of wine.

He shows up, rings the doorbell, and she greets him. They exchange pleasantries and she ushers him into her home. She tells him to make himself comfortable because dinner will be a few minutes. He finds a nice comfortable chair to sit in.

He no sooner plants himself in the chair than her little dog comes rampaging through the house dressed as Batman (cape, mask, ears, and all). He finds this pretty amusing.

A little later at dinner her cat jumps up on the table. The cat is dressed as Tinkerbell.

My friend inquires if her pets are dressed for the special occassion? To which she replies, "I dress my children each and everyday".

He should have left then. I think he married her? I better check on him, I haven't heard from him in a while. HAHAHA