Yours sounds the oppisite of my situation, that sucks =/ I'm sorry.

Yes but only because I cared and I had heard she wasn't doing so well, but it doesn't look like any good is coming of it.

Probably my ex, been a year and I don't feel a bit different. She's still doing damage to me to.

I'd have to say Drama is people that have emotional problems or aren't 100% healed up from there last relationship or aren't ready for one (Maybe jealous people, imature people, etc?). Baggage is bringing up topics from your past relationships and they don't want to hear about them because they only care about the present or some people can mean kids as well. People can correct me if I'm wrong but thats how I understand them.

Been a while since I checked in I guess, so I thought I better drop a line and give an update. Well I can say my meds seem to have helped a little. I guess my recent problems is that one of my roomates is moving out (less money for me), I'm pinching pennys cause I just helped fix my friends car and used some of my money, my ex is talking to me again but ignoring alot of what I say and just blowing them off (pretty frustrating), my ex is causing me a ton of stress and aside from that I'm really exhausted. I've been going none stop since my last post trying to keep my mind off of things. I think I'm going to take a long long break from the dating game for a while, not to be rude to all the women here or out there but you guys can do some serious damage to a man lol. Anywho that should some it up, I'm more or less trying to stay a friend with my ex but I don't want her as a close friend right now ether (after all she did do a significant amount of damage on me) so I'm trying not to be rude or mean but distance her at the same time. Hope your all well, I'm afraid I've still got a long bumpy road ahead of me.

Your not the only one :) so don't feel alone. I feel that way alot.

I can now officially say I have =)

Yea I've actually been to Kanab before, I did some work for a guy and he flew me there in his plane it was pretty cool.

Easier said than done, it was my fault that this happened. She hung on to me for three months after she dumped me while I was going insane and didn't want me to leave. Things don't feel right anymore, things I said I did not mean. At the very least I want to try to be my ex's friend even if it kills me, thats what she wanted the most from me. The sad thing is I've got friends bailing on me left and right, my heart constantly feels like its being squeezed, I'm ill and becoming worse. The therapists and psychiatrists are right, they can't perform any miricle to get her back all they can do is try to help me. The only way I can see to help me though is to apologize to her, to hear from her again knowing that she accepts my apology and to be able to say hi to her again. Everyone makes it sound so easy and maybe it is easy for some people but this one isn't easy for me. I'm sure I'm considered a stalker, a freak, a emo, imature, a loser and more. The only thing binding me to this world is what my mom told me, they are older and not in good shape. They told me if I was to take my life that I would be taking them with me as well because they wouldn't be able to handle it. I pray for my death to happen, I don't care who takes me. I don't even think I believe there is a god anymore. After I heard that the rumor that they had had sex, I fell apart and scared up my arm. One of my friends about two years ago, shot himself because his girl was cheating on him and he walked in on them. Another person after my hospitalization tryed to shoot his heart because his girlfriend dumped him and told him that they was taking a break. My ex told me that this is not a game, I'm not stupid I know this isn't a game. Love is serious stuff, she messed with my head real bad and she screwed up my heart. She didn't want me to leave, I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stand the idea of her dating another man it was really tearing me apart so I keep pushing her away, ignoring her plees, and told her off twice because my heart hurt so bad and I was in tears and out of control. I've told my parents to admit me, I've told my therapists to admit me, but none listen to me, they all think I'm fine and they think that it will make me worse. I appreciate all your guys help but this isn't solving anything, I don't want to be her enemy and I want to be on good terms with her even if it is just friends. I'm immune to what people think about me, everyone can say what they want but I really don't care anymore. I'm at the stage I really just wish my heart would stop beating or that I wouldn't wake up anymore. When she left I died, I did everything I could for her but in the end failed her again, I wasn't able to push my feelings aside or my jealousy and stay her friend and stay by her side. Everyone says to move on, everyone says to forget her but these are answers I do not want to hear. I want to be able to at least say hi, how are you doing? without her backing away scared or thinking I'm a freak. I don't care if we never hang out or date again, yea it hurts but losing a friend hurts worse and I caused it and that makes it ten times as bad.

What to do what to do... just as I suspected I didn't think the psyciatrist could help me ether. Heard a nasty rumor today that really tore me up and I did a stupid thing, I heard that my ex that I like so much has had sex with her new boyfriend and it hurt me alot and I started crying and didn't get to hear the other rumors that was being said cause they stopped telling me after that. Also went on a date when I was up there with a girl from here, it was nice for a change and I had alot of fun but I keep dropping back down into the same hole I crawled out from. I blame me for everything that happened and for her leaving me, I wish she would come back or at least say hi to me but I don't see it happening.

I'm pretty close to, we'll see how Thursday go's (if she can go that is) lol

Hang in there Twitch, I'm sure things will look up. You seem like a great person so I'm sure you won't have a hard time finding a job.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone thats been talking to me, RainbowTrout and Marie thank you. I'm still pretty burned out, I really wish I wouldn't of burned all my bridges with her. Even just friends would of been cool, to see how shes doing and to just chat with her now and then but I'm afraid she is going to never speak to me again. The last few days I've actually considered admitting myself to a mental health clinic but other stuff stacks on top of that and I don't want to lose my job. Anyways thanks for everyones advice and care, but sadly nothing can help me achieve what I want the most =/.

Huge Post coming...

Lisa's Parents,

I'm writing this letter because I don't want to leave with anyone thinking I'm a bad guy or a horrible person. I want to apologize for alot of things I've told your daughter and all the trouble that I've caused, I know it was wrong of me but let me also give you my point of view of things. Last December of 2006 before Lisa went off to College I asked her if we could be boyfriend girlfriend because I was afraid that she might fall for another guy at college, she agreed to it under one curcumstance and that was that I promise to work on my depression. I had medication for it and I am at fault for hurting your daughter during our relationship, I failed to take my medication I thought that being in a relationship would make me happy and would help my depression diminish. I was wrong it didn't but I won't blame myself for all of this, I like your daughter alot but theres been alot of times I've been told one thing then been let down my friend Cody can vouch for it. I was nice about it when things came up and didn't make it a big deal but it happened quit often and it started to hurt me and it caused me to get down in the dumps some. Well about Valantines day I asked her if she loved me, and once again I got shot down I had high hopes but not once during the whole relationship did she love me. I asked her about a kiss one time and she told me she wasn't comfortable with it so I told her it was cool and didn't force the subject and just backed off and wasn't going to bring it up untill she felt like it. What hurt me on this subject is recently her friend Stephany (whom by the way has never really liked me) came on after I got out of the hospital and told me "Lisa kissed Trevor already and is only staying your friend so you don't go and try to kill yourself again" well my heart got broken again and I lashed out that day, I wanted it to be over it felt like 10,000 needles peirced my heart. She told me that no guy had ever kissed her before and I was looking forward to making our first kiss special, because I had never kissed a girl in my life ether. I asked Lisa about it and she told me that Trevor had kissed her and that she got mad at him, then she also told me that I could of kissed her anytime... after she told me she didn't like it and wasn't comfortable with it so I didn't ever kiss her for that reason I respected her. Anyways back in September in the middle of the month was when she dumped me, she told me we both need to go work on problems and that this was just a temporary break up. What hurt me the most was we got in a argument about Trevor on myspace, I seen them flirting back and forth for quit some time so I got scared and a little concerned so I asked her about it and was kinda heart broken about it, if she would of just told me it was a friend and nothing to worry about I wouldn't of stressed so bad. I know it was wrong of me to get upset for that reason but thats one of my problems is jealousy, I've got a huge heart and I'm very sensative and it doesn't take alot to hurt me bad. That night I guess she had some midterms she was studying for and I didn't know it or I wouldn't of even brought the subject up but anyways it lead to a fight and she dumped me, I was upset so I told her to go do what she wanted and go see other guys like she wanted to (I thought we was done, I was crying and hurting and I didn't really want her to but told her to cause she wanted to). She told me she felt guilty at dances and stuff and didn't dance, I told her she shouldn't of and that I wouldn't care if she went and had fun, thats all I wanted for her was for her to be happy and to have fun. Anyways about a week and a half later after the breakup I got curious and asked Trevor on myspace if he knew Lisa (The guy I seen her flirting with and was jealous over) and he responded saying "Yea I know her we are tenatively dating" and I fell apart. A while later I sat down with her in my car before we went into my house and I asked her "Do you want us to work out?" she said "Yes" then I asked her why she was dating Trevor and she said it was something she had to do that she had to fix for herself that it would scare me away if she did it with me, so I got confused and upset and couldn't figure out what Trevor could do that I couldn't so I got hurt. The same night I leaned my head against the steering wheel and started to cry because my heart hurt and I was crushed, I love your daughter very much to think of her getting in the car with another guy, hugging another guy, kissing another guy, anything just rips me apart and I start crying. I tryed to be stronge, I tryed to overcome my jealousy and I bothered your daughter with alot of questions and she would reassure me over and over that he was just a friend and that I had nothing to worry about. She told me that he was an athiest and that she wants a temple marriage so that she didn't think it would work out. No matter how hard I tryed to not think about it it still hurt me. When she dumped me and started seeing Trevor I became ill, I couldn't eat, couldn't play, just became horribly depressed. Eventually I started to try to back out of the relationship and everytime I tryed to Lisa would tell me "The doors always open, I'll always be here as your friend even if you don't want me as a friend" that would kill me and I don't have the heart to do that to her, I couldn't leave on my own no matter how hard I tried but staying knowing she was seeing him was making me ill and was really tearing me apart, I've cryed almost every day since she left me. You guys probably think I'm obsessed with her, its not really that its just that shes basicly my twin and everything I do reminds me of her. I loved history, shes majoring in it, I love japanese animations, she loves them, we like the same type of games, music, movies, and food. When she would come over I would always go buy root beer for her and would usually get pizza or something she liked and would clean my house and do my yardwork before she would come over just to try to respect a ladys presence. Now I'm going to be totaly honest here. When I first met your daughter I had the hardest time getting a date with her because of her previous relationship but I still hung on because shes one of the coolest people I've ever met. I hung out with her at the monroe library and at gamestop. There was times I would bring her lunch and just drop by to say hi, we would play email tag and talk when I went to work. Now about my Job, I have been working for the State of Utah watching systems for them as a computer operator for 5 years now, this job is like one of the worste nerve wracking jobs out there, this facility is manned 24/7 even on holidays and we have been under employed for a while now. Theres always only one person on shift so when your working your alone and when nothings going on your usualy free to do what you want as long as you still do your job. I stay at this job even though its bad on my nerves and is very lonely because I know that someday it will be a great job to have to support a family. It has killer insurance, benefits, and all those are the reasons I stay here and it has allowed me to buy my own home with my pay. I work Sundays for 12 hours 11:30-11:30 and thats why you havn't seen me in church, I work M-W from 3:30-11:30 and Thursdays from 3:30-7:30. When overtime kicks in there are times here at my job where I can work two weeks straight with no time off, my job can drive anyone insane if you don't have anything to keep you busy or anyone to talk to. Now to show you guys my problem and why I've been down in the dumps alot and why I pushed your daughter away from me, by heart I'm a good kid I love the church but when I was growing up I've had a rough childhood and a rough time in school. Kids would tease me and words would get said on the schoolbus and I didn't know what they meant so I looked them up and found out... well they wasn't anything good. One time in my keyboarding class in highschool I was ahead of the class and was just browsing the web, well a kid I knew came over and wanted to show me something and he showed me a real skimpy site with girls on it. From there out I fell and I fell hard, I got into the thing the church talks about alot and says its very bad, I fell into porn. The problem here is I learned alot of what I know from Steve Robertson, after he taught me the basics in computers I took off like a forest fire and now I've become to smart for my own good. Anyways I've been struggling with this problem since I was about 14 or 15 so about 10 years of my life, I told Lisa about this in the very beginning because I felt like a bad guy but I didn't give any details as in how long I have been fighting this issue. And later I had some girls in highschool pick on me and say stuff bad about my family and thats when I fell apart and broke the word of wisdom and picked up a bad swearing habit and told them off. My problems are: Low Self Esteem, Shyness, Pornography, Swearing, and Caffine. I had a dr.pepper habit for the longest time lately I've been trying to shy away from soda and the pornography I know both is bad but let me be honest with this and I don't want to sound better than anyone but I have two friends that went on missions, one came back and got married and brought his laptop to me to fix, I found pornography all over it when I was backing up his system to fix it. Another friend got into a relationship on his mission and when he got back got her over here in the states and married her. My therapist has also told me that Bishops and higher people in the church has had problems with the same things. But heres the difference with me and them, I knew and acknowledged the problem and have been trying my hardest to fight them but havn't really won yet, I didn't go on my mission because of these, I don't pertake of the sacerment for this reason, I don't pay my tithing or go to church till I can shake this stuff off and feel better about myself. I really do love the church, I wanted to go on my mission, I wanted to be married in the temple, I wanted to be sealed to someone special someday I was hoping your daughter was the one for me but I've goofed up way way bad and I don't blame her for what shes doing. I'm sure you guys heard about my suicide attempt(s) or my threats to. I'm really sure I've lost alot of respect with you guys and I wouldn't be suprised if you don't like me anymore, I won't blame anyone or hate anyone ever in my life. I'm like my Dad my barks alot bigger than my bite. The whole reason behind my first suicide was because of the decision I got put into, I love your daughter alot but also have my limits, my heart is sensitive and I can only take so much pain and not to be rude and I know she didn't mean to but she locked me in a circle I couldn't get out of, I was hurting so bad and crying at work one night and going insane that I overdosed on 30 extra strength Tylonal. Heres the choices I had: 1.Cut all communications with Lisa, she gets upset and becomes sad that I leave, then she trys to keep a one sided friendship open. 2. Stay and try to overcome my broken heart, depression, and jealousy. 3. Neither and do what my childhood friend did and kill yourself over a girl. I didn't like choices one and two and I couldn't do ether of them and trust me I really didn't like choice number 3 but after Lisa's mom told me I was hurting Lisa and that Lisa told me I made her suffer for 5-6 months in our relaitonship my heart got crushed and I loved Lisa so much that when she would tell me "My doors always open and I'll always be your friend" I couldn't leave, I couldn't do that to her but staying was killing me to so I was in a no win situation. I wanted out of my pain and I admit I did the stupidest thing by trying to commit suicide. From there on out things only got worse and worse and Lisa started to get real tired of me and I'm sure you guys did to, I had her gifts bought because of a bonus check I got a while back and had them planned from October up to Decemeber, I thought our relationship was over and that I wasn't wanted anymore cause she was seeing Trevor and wasn't doing anything to stop me from hurting, so I gave her it all and was going to pull off that night. I know its not that great of a friend of me to ask and wasn't my place but going from being boyfriend and girlfriend to friend status after 9 months hurt alot, I thought I could handle it but I was wrong I'm not stronge enough. I've talked to my bishop about my problems, I've talked to my parents, had my uncles give me a blessing to help me try to overcome this and have been doing alot of praying. I asked her to please stop seeing Trevor and to give me one more chance, I didn't say she couldn't talk to him, hang out with him, or anything like that but the word "Date" can lead to many things and after he called me immature, jealous, and told me I don't stand anymore chances with Lisa it hurt me and I didn't like him and the other thing I don't like and I'm not trying to be a problem but hes 30 and hes an athiest. I'm not sure how you guys feel about that and I know its not my area to judge but he don't believe in anything the church really does so he scares me. I trust Lisa I do but shes kinda blowing my socks off at the same time, I thought she wanted a temple marriage and stuff, what is she doing with him? Thats what I've been trying to figure out. He probably don't think porn, sleeping at ones place, or anything like that is bad. I know its all bad, but he doesn't and thats what scares me. Anyways I've told your daughter off twice now and I said alot of rude things, I wanted to ether be her boyfriend or be done with our friendship. I know she meant well to stay friends but where I am so in love with your daughter it hurts to just be a friend after being a boyfriend, I wanted to be let go so I wouldn't feel guilty about going but she wouldn't do it, she would always tell me "I'll always be here as your friend and my doors are always open" I couldn't go, my heart wouldn't let me and I got stuck in a loop that keep throwing me through alot of hurt. She told me I have problems, yea I know I have them and have been working to fix them. I wanted to say sorry to you guys and to her for everything I've done and said, I lashed out honestly because I had a broken heart and wanted her to go away since she wouldn't stop seeing Trevor, I did it to try to get her to hate me and de friend me, it was wrong but keeping me as a friend was also wrong espeacially if she knew she was hurting me. I've taken your daughter, her sister, and roomate steph to Denny runs a couple of times when I was broke, taken her to Orem for valantines day and got her some real nice flowers, taken her to Cedar City for dinner and a movie, bought her pizza and soda all the time on weekends and cleaned my house, tryed to respect her with all my heart, would jump in a heartbeat to do something for your daughter, broke my own laptop to repair hers, spent my whole weekend recovering her laptop's data and repairing it and stayed up till 4 in the morning sunday morning fixing it and had to be up at 10 for work and delivered it that day, bought her games, payed for a games subscription, payed for sirus radio for a while that she never used, offered her my second car when her car broke down, and offered her a promise ring once and got shot down. Money, Possessions, and everything seriously means nothing to me, I could care less about them all and would trade anything in the world and give my shirt off my back to someone just to be loved, thats all I care about is love and to find someone to make happy and to be happy with, I would trade everything I have to be with a girl like your daughter, I wish I was stronger and would of been a better man before I met her. Lisa is an awesome person, I love her to death and I seen everything she tryed to do for me and she tryed to reassure me but I was to heartbroken and upset she was seeing Trevor it was breaking my heart. I deserved it though, she said I made her suffer, I broke my promise to work on my depression, and I tryed to push her away because of my problems was causing me guilt and I would tell her to find a better guy. The things that hurt me the most in the relationship was she turned me down on the promise ring ( I thought it was a friendship ring but goofed up ), didn't want me to kiss her, let me down on alot of planned activitiys, and said things then other things happened and was a let down. I know she tryed but there was a lot of little things she could of did to make me feel wanted and to get me out of my depression, she never once seen me at my work, never bought me lunch or even anything simple (she bought me one thing and it was some mints that said heartache medicine or something for valantines day), never came over on her own and suprised me, missed my birthday, got my hopes up alot and got me excited then smashed them. I know she didn't mean to but it all adds up, she just didn't seem to try all that hard and I got depressed and hurt alot, I got my heart broke alot so not all of this was my fault. I like Lisa alot I do but dumping me was something I never seen coming, that hurt the most I didn't know we was having any problems at all, we lacked communication. I wish you guys the best of luck and you all have my best wishes, and I don't mean to get Jerad in trouble but he honestly did say that about his sister and I did call her that also, when my temper gets released and my I'm confuesd, upset, heartbroken and jealous its a bad combination and I said alot of rude and harsh things. I just wanted to come and tell you my side of the story, I'm sorry it was a novel, and at the very bottom of my heart I'm very very sorry for swearing at your daughter and hurting her like I have done, I promise you and swear to you I never wanted to but having a heart and being tender sucks, it fogs my decision making skills and where I liked her I didn't want to leave her especialy when she tryed to stay my friend and told me it would hurt her. At the end she told me that everything I did was for me and not for her, and that hurt me alot. I never ever had just me in mind, I loved Lisa very much and I still do and lately I havn't been a good friend at all and have been being a jerk, I've been stuck in a situation that has completely devistated me and to this day I'm still heartbroken, cry, and am hurt by my own actions and hurt that I lost such a great person like her to another guy but then again I deserve it. Goodluck to you all, it was very nice to meet you its been an honor your all great people and I'll miss you all. Once again I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused and sorry for hurting your daughter, I wish I was a stronger and better guy, Trevor is a lucky man and you are lucky parents to have such a great daughter and family. Take care and best wishes, I hope you don't hate me or think bad about me.

-Lance


Thats something I wrote her parents. I went in and talked to a different therapist today... I don't think I'm fixable. They guy was right the thing I want to change the most I don't have the power to do, neither does he or anyone else.

Me

I'm down in the middle of Utah, not alot going on here. If anyone even knows of Richfield lol.

PS2:
Final Fantasy Series
Dynasty Warriors Series
Megaman Series
Contra
Mortal Combat
Need for Speed Series

Nintendo 64:
Zelda
Mario
Mario Kart
Smash Brothers
Metroid

Wii:
Zelda
Metroid
Mario Party
Mortal Combat

PC:
Call of Duty 2 and 4
World of Warcraft
Final Fantasy 7,8,11
Pirates of the Burning Sea
Everquest 2
Need for Speed Series
Battlefield Series
Age of Empires
Supreme Commander
Etc... etc..

Single and heartbroken.

I've hit rock bottom a few times. I'm actually suprised I'm still floating or am alive. And I think I have gave up on hope for me, there is no way I can describe the pain I'm feeling.

In 2006 I met a girl that worked with my sister, I had just got out of a rough relationship that hurt me pretty bad. (Yea bad idea I know). Anyways this girl had just recently been hurt, the guy broke her heart by cheating on her. I wanted to show her I was better, I wanted to help her and care for her. We always played email tag and talked to each other at night by msn messanger. I would try to bring her food over everyday before I go to work (and I would be late most of the time to my own job). I eventually took her with me to the pet store, I got a kitten and named it after one of her favorite words. I wanted a cat and well I wanted her to feel more at home at my house, she had a house cat as well. To cut the story short, I screwed up. I made a promise to her that I would work on my depression and start taking my pills or getting some help with it... Well 6 months ago, (1 month off from being together for a year) I seen another guy flirting with her that she worked with, and I got upset and was scared I was going to lose her. So I confronted her about it, she claimed she wasn't flirting but it felt that way =/. So she dumps me. She told me she was going to give me another chance... I asked her for one. Well one week later I got nosey, I asked this guy if he knew her. He told me he started to date her. That day it felt like millions of needles pierced through my heart and I started to lose it. She told me that I had nothing to worry about, she wanted us to work, that I was better.. but yet she didn't care that she was hurting me. She blamed me for my hurt and said she wasn't causing it. Two months later after being drug through hell and my heart was breaking, she stopped talking to me. Within those two months I had told her off twice, been guilt tripped alot by her, felt helpless and defenseless, and ended up in the hospital because of my own heart. She didn't want me to leave, I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to be hurt ether. I asked her to give me a second chance to please stop seeing him, but she told me I couldn't ask her to choose between two friends. I didn't mean it that way, but now I feel like total crap. She told me I was selfish that I didn't care about her, that my love wasn't good enough, that after I had told her off that all I could ever be was a friend. And now here I am totaly lost, hurt, and way gone. I've tryed medication, I've tryed therapy, I'm going to soon try a psychiatrist. I still can't let go of her, I still love her, I feel horrible for what happened I feel I am to blame for everything and feel like a total loser now. She dropped some of my things off yesterday and all it did was renew my pain and drop me a level down in my depression. There probably is no help for me, I'm sure I belong in a nut house now.