(Takes a deep breath)
-------------------------------
Desiderata
(Found in St. Paul's Church; Baltimore 1692)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations of the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is, many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do no feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrending the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul~With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you say goodbye to a friend, assume that one of you
is going to die before you ever get to see each other again.
If you want to leave something unsaid, fine .. but be
prepared to leave it unsaid forever."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
----------------------------
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
-----------------------------
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

-Mark Twain
-----------------------------
There are people who have an appetite for grief; pleasure is not strong enough and they crave pain. They have mithridatic stomachs which must be fed on poisoned bread, natures so doomed that no prosperity can sooth their ragged and dishevelled desolation.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-----------------------------------
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly what is essential is invisible to the eye
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-----------------------------------
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
-------------------------
A lot of people wonder how you know you're in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?"
- Ronnie Shakes
-------------------------
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
~ Steven Wright
-------------------------
Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
-------------------------
"I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone." -Anonymous
-------------------------
"Can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
-------------------------
The essence of balance is detachment. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful is to lose one's balance afterwhich no action can be trusted. Our burden is not for the dependent of the spirit.
- Mayar, Third Keeper
-------------------------
"When I die, I want it to be like my grandfather - peaceful, asleep and smiling...... Not crying and screaming like his passengers"
Unknown
-------------------------
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
-- Jean Paul Sartre
-------------------------
"The more I learn of men the more I like my dog."
Frederick the Great
-------------------------
"It is sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs" - Jack Handey
-------------------------
"If your enemy has two alternatives, he will do the third."
Napoleon Bonaparte
-------------------------
"Betrayal is a matter of dates"
Cardinal Richelieu
-------------------------
"Oh man, I got Orang-gina all over my pants."
Me
-------------------------
We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv' -The Knights Who Until Recently Said "Ni"
--------------------------------
"I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog" -Anon
--------------------------------
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
--------------------------------
I do not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - François-Marie Arouet Voltaire
--------------------------------
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)
--------------------------------
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. " -Napoleon Bonaparte
--------------------------------
"Tribal sovereignty means that -- it's sovereign. You're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." ~ George W. Bush
--------------------------------
"A witty saying proves nothing." -Voltaire
--------------------------------
"what you risk reflects what you value" -Anon
--------------------------------
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
--------------------------------
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you ****ed a pirate." ~ Dave Attell
--------------------------------
"The illusion of freedom [in America] will continue as long as it’s profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater."
- Frank Zappa, musician and cultural iconoclast
--------------------------------
"I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes! " ~Dark Helmet "Spaceballs"
--------------------------------
"i've got a big big thirst for human blood!" slurm machine - futurama
--------------------------------
Donnie to Frank:"Why do you wear that stupid rabbit suit?"
Frank to Donnie:"Why do you wear that stupid human suit?"
- Donnie Darko
--------------------------------
"...And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. So I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man."
Martin Luther King Jr., April 3, 1968, the day before he was assassinated
--------------------------------
"I'm sad that i'm flying." - Strongsad
--------------------------------
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Isaac Asimov
--------------------------------
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” - Aristotle
--------------------------------
"Only the insane have strength enough to prosper. Only those who prosper may truely judge what is sane."
- Anon
--------------------------------
“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” - Mahatma Gandhi
--------------------------------
"There ought to be limits to freedom."
- Governor George W Bush, May 21, 1999
--------------------------------
***"Eighty percent of success is showing up."***
-Woody Allen
--------------------------------

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. My self is fabricated, an aberration. My personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. My conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago (probably at Harvard) if they ever did exist. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold onto one single bleak truth: no one is safe, nothing is redeemed. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human behaviour must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no escape. But even after admitting this-and I have, countless times, in just about every act I've commited - and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself , no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this.
This confession has meant nothing..." - American Psycho
----------------------------------
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
----------------------------------
"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired." - General George S. Patton
----------------------------------
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" Harry M. Warner (Warner Brothers, 1927)
----------------------------------
"This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang, but with a whimper."
-T.S. Eliot, extract from "The Hollow Men"
----------------------------------
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." Tom Clancy
----------------------------------
"time is the fire in which we burn." -Anon
----------------------------------
"Yes...Yes....I have the memo." ~ Peter Gibbons "Office Space"
----------------------------------
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Alva Edison
----------------------------------
"there is no success with out any consequent efforts" -Anon
----------------------------------
"Look after your body. You have nowhere else to live" - Aaron Stainthorpe of My Dying Bride
----------------------------------
CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power. - Arthur C. Clarke
----------------------------------
"Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." - John Lennon
----------------------------------
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
- T. S. Eliot
----------------------------------
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
- The First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America
----------------------------------
"I'd better put my pants on. It's formal." ~ Red Skelton
----------------------------------
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. "Margaret Millar"
----------------------------------
i never seek to defeat the man i am fighting. i seek to defeat his confidence. a mind troubled by doubt cannot focus [on the course to victory]. two men are equals - true equals - only when they both have equal confidence. FROM MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
----------------------------------
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "Steven Wright" - US comedian and actor -
----------------------------------
"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void. And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the water. And God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was light. And God saw the light. And it was good."
Genesis - 1.1
----------------------------------
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply
----------------------------------
"She's so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape!", they yelled "no!" " ~ Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------
There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun. "Pablo Picasso" - Spanish Cubist painter (1881 - 1973) -
----------------------------------
"E iti noa ana, na te aroha: Though my present be small, my love goes with it" -Anon
----------------------------------
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back,
The sun shine warm upon your face,
The rain fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
~~ An Irish blessing ~~
----------------------------------
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. "Nora Ephron"
----------------------------------
Society - designed by the weak to control the strong. -Anon
----------------------------------
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. "Samuel Butler" - English composer, novelist, & satiric author (1835 - 1902)
----------------------------------
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. "Mark Twain" US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 - 1910)
----------------------------------
"So let me get this straight... Osama Bin Laden kills 3,000 people and he's a villain. George W. Bush kills 1,000 Americans and he's a hero?" - Chris Rock
----------------------------------
All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. "Galelio Galilei" - Italian astronomer & physicist (1564 - 1642) -
----------------------------------
"The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities...It is best to win without fighting." ~ Sun-tzu "The Art of War". Planning a Siege
----------------------------------
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
----------------------------------
"If i were you......."
"If you were me then I'd be YOU! - and I'd use YOUR body to get to the top! You can't stop me no matter who you are!!!" - Jim Carrey [Ace Ventura]
----------------------------------
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon Bonaparte- "French general & politician (1769 - 1821)"
----------------------------------
Don't think...FEEL. It's like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don't concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory. - Bruce Lee - Enter The Dragon
----------------------------------
"it is better to be alone than being in bad company"
----------------------------------
If only a god would say "believe me" instead of "believe in me" -Anon
----------------------------------
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. - Unknown - quoted by Jim Horning
----------------------------------
"I'm afraid to travel. It's probably because my dad used to beat me with a globe." ~ Dave Attell
----------------------------------
At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas. - Aldous Huxley - English critic & novelist (1894 - 1963)
----------------------------------
Give me a place to stand and I shall move the earth.
~Archemedes
----------------------------------
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely." -Anon
----------------------------------
-Related quote-
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?" - Harry Shearer
----------------------------------
Our lives are based on what is reasonable and common sense;
Truth is apt to be neither. -Anon
----------------------------------
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -George Burns- US actor & comedian (1896 - 1996)
----------------------------------
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~
Douglas Adams
----------------------------------
Redvsblue.com
"But you made one crucial mistake, you left me my spoon".
"No!"
"That's right, I ate my way out. The soft dirt was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me."
----------------------------------
PROFT
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
--------------------------------------------
Useful Proft phrases for your career

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
-----------------------------------------
Dr. Thorpe: I don't want to be sued for libel, so I'm not going to come right out and use the words "ate a kid," but all I'm saying is that if you look into Roy Orbison's life a little you'll find out things that men shouldn't know.

(Somethingawful.com)
-----------------------------------------

Woof. That is a lot of quotes.

Feel free to contribute as you see fit.

hey that was awsome

wow!!!that was alot to read

Made me feel like I was studying English 501 again!

Rock on mate

I'm an English Major, so maybe it's for the best.