Lex,

I have a better question for you. Instead of focusing on what others can offer, try thinking about what you want from them. I have had people come into my life bringing gifts I didn't even know I needed. Better or worse is so black and white don't you think?

The people that have come into your life have made it significantly worse? Really? They haven't taught you things? Opened your mind to different experience? Changed who you were or how you saw things?

Even my most painful experiences have taughte me things and made me a better me. Sometimes maybe that's all we get. And sometimes maybe the experience makes us better.

A world of black or white, better or worse, is to absolute and you really could miss the color.

Well. Im starting to feel that out of pure loneliness That im trying to regain and get back what I lost years ago. Thats a woman that truely loved me unconditionally. She was totally dedicated to me. Heart, mind body, and soul. Only woman in my life that truly understood me, put up with my many mood swings. always defended and protected my honor. Stuck with me through all my hardships. Even to the point of when I lost my job causing us to lose all we owned and a place to stay. she stuck with me living in our car for 4 months. A woman that after we finally divorced ( for reasons I wont go into) She waited for 14 years hoping that someday I would return back to her. In those 14 years, she turned down offers for a relationship. always hoping that I would return back to her . and once again marry her. Maybe im trying too hard to find the woman that will be just like her. And to go back to her is a dead issue. She died in 2008. I think about now. We must have had a stronger bond between us than I thought possable.I say that for the fact that as far as I can remember, Around the day she died, I got a real bad ill feeling that something bad had happened to her. And for the past 2 years that feeling never went away. Untill the day I got this pc and looked up death records in the town she lived in. And there it was. When I stared at it in black and white, Could do nothing but cry. And I cried up into the next day. Finally getting through my head, That no, she is irreplacable.

well. i wont have to worry about it from now on. From now on, if they say they want to be with me. Ok. Come on. But. Pay your own way. And make sure you have your own place to stay. And your own way back home.

I think I always operated under the assumption that one of the positive things about a relationship was that it created a scenario in which two people could mutually enhance the quality of each other's lives. I don't know where this idea came from, exactly, but it made a kind of superficial sense to me.

But the reality of it, for me anyway, is that everyone I've been with has made my life significantly worse -- not all the time, but, on balance, the scale tips far more toward the negative than the positive.

And, reading the threads about people putting up walls and such, it got me to thinking about the reality of "Better Vs. Worse." Because, as much as I'd like to think that this "mutual life enhancement/mutual support system" is a viable possibility, I have a hard time imagining what a partner could do for me that would actually make my life better.

I should clarify that statement -- it's not like I'm living any sort of ideal life -- quite the opposite! My life is something of a mess right now, in many areas. And there are certainly things that I imagine someone could do for me that would be helpful.

I just can't imagine anyone doing any of those things within the parameters of a relationship context. I just can't imagine anyone coming into my life with something to offer.

Not that I'm trying to be perfect or anything -- but I feel I have a LOT to offer someone, and it always seems that my relationships end up with me doing all of the offering....! So maybe I've just made lots and lots of bad choices of who to get mixed up with, and I think I'd have to admit to that.

But if there isn't anyone out there who brings anything to the table, if they expect me to do all of the giving, all of the listening, all of the caretaking, then where's my incentive to bother anymore? Isn't it supposed to be a 2-way street? (But then, who gets to rule on the "supposed to"?)

Because, in the end, if everybody I get involved with is only going to make my life worse, I'm better off staying single.

Update on the woman I kicked out yesturday. Right now as im typing this, she is in LA waiting for the bus @ 8:15am. She told me that when she left here, she seeked out a church, and they bought her a bus ticket to get home. I feel better now that i know she is ok. I did toss and turn all night with worry if she was ok , or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHB9Kb_nRkQ

Ummmm....I know it appears that way...however, 1 day does not maketh the site.

You have now moved into a great space within this site...the forums!..A community of amazing personalities...a wonderful way to learn more about people of interest.

Yes there are those on this site who are less than honest, mistresses and masters of deception...however, they are the minority...the majority within the forums are who they say they are...

ask some of the oldtimers on this site...who aren't on here to date...but to connect with people all over the world.

Give it a little time...chat in this section of the site, learn others...and allow others to learn you.

It IS a HAPPY FRIDAY...no work now until June 21st!!!

...someone who is manifestly insane? Without looking in the mirror?