I stood in the light, burning, dying a little more with each caress

Layer by layer the skin sloughed away

And twirled like peeling paint in the rancid waters that swirled around my feet

Firmly planted in the gutter

Cigarette butts, dirty condoms and my flesh swept into the sewer

Racing out to sea with the vermin

And the myths of alligators feeding in the putrid depths

What had I hoped to find, perched there on the fringe of humanity like a broken doll

What had I hoped to find, souring above the city on broken wings

Hurtling to the ground only to crumble like an unwanted toy

My shattered pattern reduced to dust on dirty streets

Unnoticed


Blind I curl in a womb of dark amber liquid

Pickling my brain in some false hope of finding meaning to this life I've all but thrown away

My sightless eyes squeezed shut, blocking out the light

Reality, the moments of true happiness that burst around us

Like fireflies waiting to be captured in tiny palms

My nose twitches, scenting cotton candy at a summer carnival

Cappuccino brewing in a venders stand

Sweaty skin and the spicy musk of abandon

Jack Daniels and Cognac, my soul's core

When my music use to be, and the lights

Blues and greens and reds spinning over me

Forcing beams through the smoke and pyro

Calling me back home.

I remember the crowds, the stage i stalked each night

Head held high, guitar poised, body pulsing with adrenaline

Now I walk it a wraith, less than half what I used to be

Misplaced by my own laziness and apathy. I'm too young for that

Too young to be so jaded, too young to sit here giving it all away

My heart, my drive, my very desire sitting on the curb with a price tag for a ribbon

A cheap present to anyone wishing to destroy me

I've forgotten how to stand back up again

Forgotten what it meant to have honor, to use the skills I was given to find something more

Forgotten what it was like to build myself up

Instead of tearing myself down a little more each day

Till I found myself here, sitting in the gutter beneath a glowing, crimson moon.

Have I already defeated myself, have I already sold myself down the river?

And for what? A moment of warm bliss?

A second to dance with my liquid mistress, my ominous friend?

I suckle from bottles filled with poison and shrivel instead of grow

My reserve weak, my body weaker, muscles reduced to flab, leaking power and day old beer

I shudder to think how they must see me, those who once thought I had a chance

And the laughter, they no longer wait till I turn my back

Where do I go from here?

Do I follow my ragged flesh into the depths

Do I burn and drown in the hell of my own making, one step above the boulders and chains?

Do I knock on the carved door, do I touch the inscription knowing it was meant for me

Or do I pay my way across the river Styx to see the future

Than lie my way back out again with false promises to say away from the glass and the spirits they contain

Does it even matter? The bottom is there, all I have to do is reach out and embrace it.

I find myself living from one brown bag to the other

When I should be feasting off every night on the stage

Off the endless miles between arenas

The feeling of strength, invincible power coursing through me

A wave, like this ocean of filth and my own bodily fluids sucks me under

I'm drowning again

Drowning and burning and puking and screaming and trying to remember someplace I'd rather be than this

:) thank you very much, it's good to be here.

I hate docotrs, so haven't gone the blood work route, but the breaking up the meals does sound like an option to try, the one meal a day is more convienance then attempt at diet. As for the more execrcise, im not sure how much more i can add, when i'm not walking, or running carts down the hall, or chasing large animals down the corridors, or fighting to put them in pens, Im chasing and catching the baby animals. I am going to try breaking up meals and taking food into work for a bit and seeing if that helps, thank you :)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? not after anyone, but after a song, crystal blue persuasion

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 days ago, after getting slammed by one of the animals at work.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? yes

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? yes, 2

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? yes

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? no

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? yes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? lucky charms

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? no


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? yes

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? vermonty python (ben and jerries)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? eyes

15. RED OR PINK? neither.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? weight

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST at the moment, no one


19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? black and black

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? turkey wrap

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? something on the TLC chanel to do with cars

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? any shade of purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Jasmine, cedar, mint, camomile, dogwood,

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? a telimarketer yesterday, i dont answer the phone often, most itmes just let it ring

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? wrestling, football, hockey

27. HAIR COLOR? brown with highlights

28. EYE COLOR? brown
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
30. FAVORITE FOOD? crab
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? scary

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? smoking aces last night

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? black
34.

SUMMER OR WINTER? summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? choclate mouse
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? none at the moment, i'm in between books.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? i dont have one
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? nothing, had a movie in
42. FAVORITE SOUND? thunder
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? neither, The Doors

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? home is wherever i am, but if i were to consider the town i went to high school with home, then Guam.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? writting and graphics

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? york, PA

The problem with being overweight is that the weight isn't easy to lose. People constantly say well, it's inactivity, ect. I work ten hours a day on a farm, and not behind a desk either, and yet, in five months on the farm i've only lost five pounds and i only eat once a day so it's not over eating, i'm not sure what it is but the weight stays on.

Thank you :)

We wallow in the dust and mire

The glitter of our wings

Coated

Shrouded and choked till but a speck remained

Like a lone star in a desecrated sky

The others have fallen

But that last light clings to our tattered wings

Like a beacon on crushed velvet twilight

Always glowing

The image of hope

Revealed through a long tunnel of exhaust and neon

Weve crawled here so lone

Weve forgotten the sun.

Perched on the edge of hell

In the village of remorse

We stare

At the last of our brethren, dangling by garrotes of barbed wire

Ropes of braided steal, twisted metal

In the hand of mortals feigned devotion

Preying for Gabriel to blow his horn

But the horn is lost

We stole it when we fell

The impact left the bright gold dented and tarnished

Ruined

Like the crushed, torn wings of Gabriel when we ripped them from him

Theyre buried together now in the first great crypt

Our penance

For trying to prove that we were gods.

What a shame

Our existence a novel of petty feuds to rock the heavens

Myths and legends

Stories of our descent diffused by tall tales and urban legends

Our aspirations

Mirror images of yours

Only were lacking the basic promise of your free will

Now we look up

At the pained glass portraits of life

Hells glass ceiling

Trampled by mud soaked feet, smeared with bile and vomit

The excrement of dogs

Brightened by the blood of lifes victims

And the ash white dust of those forsaken by fate

Lady death, cackling in her infinite dance

We laugh at all you've thrown away

Then we weep, because we cant join you.