I stood in the light, burning, dying a little more with each caress

Layer by layer the skin sloughed away

And twirled like peeling paint in the rancid waters that swirled around my feet

Firmly planted in the gutter

Cigarette butts, dirty condoms and my flesh swept into the sewer

Racing out to sea with the vermin

And the myths of alligators feeding in the putrid depths

What had I hoped to find, perched there on the fringe of humanity like a broken doll

What had I hoped to find, souring above the city on broken wings

Hurtling to the ground only to crumble like an unwanted toy

My shattered pattern reduced to dust on dirty streets

Unnoticed


Blind I curl in a womb of dark amber liquid

Pickling my brain in some false hope of finding meaning to this life I've all but thrown away

My sightless eyes squeezed shut, blocking out the light

Reality, the moments of true happiness that burst around us

Like fireflies waiting to be captured in tiny palms

My nose twitches, scenting cotton candy at a summer carnival

Cappuccino brewing in a venders stand

Sweaty skin and the spicy musk of abandon

Jack Daniels and Cognac, my soul's core

When my music use to be, and the lights

Blues and greens and reds spinning over me

Forcing beams through the smoke and pyro

Calling me back home.

I remember the crowds, the stage i stalked each night

Head held high, guitar poised, body pulsing with adrenaline

Now I walk it a wraith, less than half what I used to be

Misplaced by my own laziness and apathy. I'm too young for that

Too young to be so jaded, too young to sit here giving it all away

My heart, my drive, my very desire sitting on the curb with a price tag for a ribbon

A cheap present to anyone wishing to destroy me

I've forgotten how to stand back up again

Forgotten what it meant to have honor, to use the skills I was given to find something more

Forgotten what it was like to build myself up

Instead of tearing myself down a little more each day

Till I found myself here, sitting in the gutter beneath a glowing, crimson moon.

Have I already defeated myself, have I already sold myself down the river?

And for what? A moment of warm bliss?

A second to dance with my liquid mistress, my ominous friend?

I suckle from bottles filled with poison and shrivel instead of grow

My reserve weak, my body weaker, muscles reduced to flab, leaking power and day old beer

I shudder to think how they must see me, those who once thought I had a chance

And the laughter, they no longer wait till I turn my back

Where do I go from here?

Do I follow my ragged flesh into the depths

Do I burn and drown in the hell of my own making, one step above the boulders and chains?

Do I knock on the carved door, do I touch the inscription knowing it was meant for me

Or do I pay my way across the river Styx to see the future

Than lie my way back out again with false promises to say away from the glass and the spirits they contain

Does it even matter? The bottom is there, all I have to do is reach out and embrace it.

I find myself living from one brown bag to the other

When I should be feasting off every night on the stage

Off the endless miles between arenas

The feeling of strength, invincible power coursing through me

A wave, like this ocean of filth and my own bodily fluids sucks me under

I'm drowning again

Drowning and burning and puking and screaming and trying to remember someplace I'd rather be than this

Profound,enlightening , a very detailed account of soul searching.Thank you for sharing.