Does being on this site apply?

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm
129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning........

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?'
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear
who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them
their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a
Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass
to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Canadian girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she
says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice!!

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little o ld lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..


(This is great)

* *********




'THE TEETH.'

Dear Tech Support,
Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,Desperate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Where do you see a statement being made about a stop sign or street light being on the highway?

The real Ontario Driver's Handbook.

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through
Toronto, the 2008 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with Quebec or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prevent other drivers from entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which aligns pot-holes and man-hole covers in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome .
Cat Scan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure. ...................... Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then, you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and

went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'Damn, This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'So I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy.
Don't mess with them.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.


She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
much will you charge me?'

The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, 'How about
$50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, '... and I even had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her along with a $10 tip.


'And by the way..., ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

Little Johnny went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Can you help me?'.

The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.

Little Johnny replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. But 'realistically', ......... We're living with two sluts and a fag.'

Interesting, the word was that guy's are the bad ones,

She would have to attractive in my eye's, honesty, compassion, integrity and must let me in the kitchen from time to time, lol.

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Takeout the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized".

Now, closeyour eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson".

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS...

Smoke another one..

Good advise.
So true, it does go away in time.
It's unfortunate for some that keep it deep inside and let it resuface from time to time in new relationships, that caution sign doesn't go away.
People just need to realize not everyone out there are the same.

Oh bex, you know how the story goes.

Little pink never hurt anyone...