Dear Lord, I long for the companionship of a woman, and it is getting so difficult. I don’t want to settle for someone who You don’t want me with. I want a physical connection so bad! I want to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle! I want hour-long conversations at night! But, I don’t want to settle just to have these things. Father, please hear my prayer to You! Guide me to a person who is right for me. Guide me to someone who loves You above all things. Lord, give me strength for today as I continue searching for a spouse.

For the first time, I feel like I am never going to find you. Love feels distant to me. It never has. It is not something I have been feeling just today but it has been a really long time now. I really feel that you are never going to happen to me. Maybe that is why I have not been able to write because your existence in the future does not connect with me anymore. In my own life right now, I am just spiraling down. The only way it goes is down, I try to go up but then I fall deeper into crisis. I lay down everything to God.

For the first time, I won’t be looking out for you anymore. It feels normal but inside I know it should not feel normal because all my life all I have done is look for you and now I just don’t. It should feel bad but I don’t feel anything at all. So why am I writing this to you? Hope.

I hope that even if I give up looking in every corner for you, you will find me. I hope that you would just happen to me. I have given up because there is no bliss, in this case, there is no reward in being so desperate (that’s the word people would use, right?) and there is no happiness in absence. I have had my share of disappointments in relationships and I am worn out. Maybe how winds change people, it would change me too. It is what I am hoping for with all my heart.

People keep asking me why I don’t search for you anymore and well, they know now. They also keep saying, oh you are so handsome, any girl would be happy to have you. A BIG NO. Nobody was ever happy to have me and I highly doubt handsomeness is what anyone is looking for. Everyone is looking very specific things and they just can’t tolerate not having something. In this world of instant gratification, it’s hardly their fault. No one wants to compromise.

I want a lot of things. I want to join hand and god to pray together, go get ice cream with you, long walks in lovely weather and just lay gazing at the stars. I want to serve the Lord with you at my side. How can someone not want little instances of pure blissful energy, a moment that can never be anything less than perfect? But looking at this outlook of the world, it brings me down. Being told at every corner that you are crazy gets your mind sometimes.